Adding the insult to the injury
Following your advice, I did not say anything to Feral Forger SD24 (yet) or any other family members, and thought about comments that were posted on my previous blog post.
Last night as we sat watching the new netflix series Griselda, I did however bring up the fact that I am angry. "Im not happy with Feral Forger right now" is how I put it. "I dont like how she bashes you to your own family", and proceeded to relate the few details I had and where they came from.
His response was amusement as he responded "Well thats on her, and her mother used to do the exact same thing, and look how it went for her". Yes, I had forgotten, Toxic Troll Bm, during their separation phase, had gone to a few family gatherings for something like Thanksgiving or whatever and she had spent her time bashing husband, telling them all the bad stuff - how he abused her verbally and emotionally. And that created a lot of drama because the family did not want her there bashing one of their own. Weird how I forgot that.
Anyway, Husbands next comment was "well now your going to be REALLY mad, because she just asked me for money last week"...
Yup. I thought of JRI, and the off-site subsidizing and the monthly cash grab. "How much?"
"800$, for rent. I told her I cant help her".
I aksed him, "so even when she bashes you then asks for money, you still dont tell her 'no, and you need to stop bashing me to my family' ?!? You dont create that boundary? Just because shes your child doesnt mean she gets a free pass to treat you like sh!t then bash you behind your back!"
I just will have to step back. I am not going to support this, but I cannot get involved.
**** Edited to Add****
Her asking for money isnt my issue right now, her patterns of getting kicked out for various reasons are my big stressor right now. She will be asked to leave somewhere, and will call crying and tearful, asking for a chance to move back in. Husband knows thats not something we can do and survive. He feels bad, feels like a 'bad father', and feels guilty for saying no, and then lashes out. Either by moodyness or anger. It will come out of nowhere (because Im not told this is whats happening until much later).
At least this time I know, and can prepare, and maybe things will be different. I do know that she has burned a lot of bridges with others.
She has a new boyfriend, maybe they can move in together. Hoping.
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Just let the bashing go
The important thing is, he said no. Side note: she will learn what lesser amount will get a yes.
As far as the bashing, his family will love him forever regardless, like he will love FF forever regardless. You would be doing yourself a favor to let it go since it won't change. "Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs".
Peace.
You could write a book
about how you attained that Peace.
Yes. Protect my own A$$ets and let it go.
Thanks for the sidenote. I actually wondered that myself. Briefly. But, let that go also.
Edited Post
Yeah, there are more important things afoot right now.
Just wow.
"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs".
So much truth. And so much more wise than just my .....facts are neither........
Great stuff JRI.
He might be a lazy, beer
He might be a lazy, beer drinking, only cares about his own comfort, failed-at-parenting mess of a pathetic human. BUT - he did tell you about the request and he did say no. THAT in and of itself is a positive imo.
Marital A$$ets
Yes, and Im hoping that he doesnt swoop in there behind my back, but will at least tell me. Im in California so thats my money too (ha) even though we keep our finances separate.
I should add that Im now afraid...
Start protecting your money.
Start protecting your money. If he is too broke to buy groceries, feed yourself. If he is asking you to buy something, take a page from the BM book and poor-mouth like you have to wait for your next paycheck.
He said no.
He said no.
Why would you have thought that it was an appropriate time for him to bring up whether she may have been bashing him? Did you tell him (again.. if you did.. that was not being disengaged.)? otherwise how would he generally know?.
You have to understand.. he is her parent.. and any parent is going to feel a certain amount of guilt for not helping their child.. no matter how much that kid is floundering at life.. even when that kid may have bashed him or his decisions.. people lash out when they are angry.. he likely understands that and what she says is a lot more to do about HER than the subject of her bashing.. and as he reminded you.. the people who hear it.. they know the deal.
He wasn't going to take the opportunity to give her some life lesson.. tbh.. the ship has sailed there.
He said NO.. he didn't give her the money... I'm not sure why you even felt the need to be discussing her with him.. why don't you spend your time discussing things you are interested in and fun stuff? He doesn't need to keep hearing what a turd his kid is.. it is his kid.. for better or worse.. be thankful he had a spine when it came to the rent request.
I agree you should probably go to counseling because your too addicted to the drama right now..
This is a little different
Im afraid. Based on the long history of her needing to be rescued constantly from places where she cant pay rent or is being asked to leave because she trashed the place. Its her pattern. He had to swoop in and rescue her 2 times from 3 hours away. Paid the back rent, and cleaned up 6 bags of garbage. That was the last time.
Since shes been back in town, shes lived in 1 other place, and thats when she called MY phone, told me she should be able to get her old room back, because its her fathers house, and I had to shoot that sh!t down.
Im afraid thats going to happen again and I want to be prepared: she calls him crying. He feels bad, and lashes out. And I figure out later hes lashing out at me because she called him crying and he is unable to rescue, feels bad. Then I get the nasty texting from FF "you horrible b!tch you took my dadeeeee". etc, because shes never come up with anything new or creative.
Block that twatwaffle. STOP
Block that twatwaffle. STOP subjecting yourself to this toxicity. You have the power to revoke her access. BLOCK.
Someone pointed out
That her bashing of us gives us an "easy out' from helping her.
She already knows she cannot call me and get back in the house. Block block block.
That's one way to look at it.
That's one way to look at it. However, in your situation, you have long been justified in blocking FF. Primarily due to FF's craptastic behavior and treatment of you, but also because you allow her to take ip space in your head, which negates your peace of mind. BLOCK.
You can't control what he
You can't control what he does with his money... and if he chooses to bail her out.. you need to decide what your response is to that.. would you leave him? He knows you don't like her.. he knows you don't want him to help her.. but.. it's his kid.. what do you think he will do? I do hope your own accounts are separated.
Bank accounts, finances
All separate. His money and my money.
HOWEVER, if he is short money, then I pick up things like groceries, entertainment, bills. Hes rarely been short cash, but if she pushes hard enough, Im hoping and praying he doesnt cave, and then Im shorted.
In the end.. this is his
In the end.. this is his child.. and it's likely that he will never want to stop helping.. whether he is in a position to.. that is different.
And when he is shorting you his share of the groceries.. keep track of it.. and get it from him next paycheck.. maybe he will not have money to 'spare" if you hold him to his share.. and if you do.. it's his business what he does with the rest I guess..unless you decide to make a rule of spending your own money and discussing anyting over a certain amount?
Dynamics
The dynamics of the continued pattern. That she will need something, he is unable to provide it, I get blamed. He lashes out. Typically I find out later, that this is what is actually happening.
At least this time I am prepared. $800 is a lot of rent to be short. For someone with no car. EGADs.
I will be keeping track of things...
Nothing you say or do will
Nothing you say or do will change this pattern.. she is always going to blame you because your SO likely puts you under the bus wheels.
all you can do is set boundaries for your own money.. but I have a feeling you will be stuck with her for life.
La_dulce is right. Opinions
La_dulce is right. Opinions only matter if you let them. I cannot begin to describe the freedom I felt after finally realizing that. They're entitled to their opinions - even when they're wrong.
CLove, you know FF is a horrible person. Don't address her toxic horsepuckey by trying to "clear things up". You're better than that. You're waaaaaay above her sewage level. Just be you. Those who matter will see the truth. Those who believe the bullshit are not worth your time.
See my reply to ESMOD
I have a bigger worry now, than people opinions.
CLove. Darlin'. I'm going to
CLove. Darlin'. I'm going to be blunt. FF and TT are pieces of shit. Don't be affected by shitty lowlifes with shitty behavior. You scrape that shit off and move forward with your head held high and the shit left behind in the gutter.
Oh you should see how my
Oh you should see how my steps talk about us to anyone yet turn around and have no problem asking for "money" or "help". Their reasoning is that its what their father is for and they are entitled to his help/money because they are his kids
You cant change that. Your husband will probably help her bury a body if she asked to even if it means catching a charge or being talked badly about to anyone who can hear it....They are bound with entitlement and guilt trip
SS here has told SO on
SS here has told SO on several occasions you must do anything I ask and give me anything I want because I am your son. SS must be right because that is what happens.
They will give in and can you
They will give in and can you blame them? This is their kids and most center their lives around doing anything to not feel guilty. The issue is when you offer these parents to end things so they can focus on their children, most of them do not accept it or try to get you to stay by other traps....This bewilders me
If i was a child centered parent, I would be single and focusing on my children but they refuse to do that instead they want their partners to be child centered and feed into this stupidity while doing 0 actual parenting
Cant count how many times I offered to end things amicably for the steps and my husband would lose it and beg or become conflictual to make my leaving difficult....this is bizarre
This. I have said to him that
This. I have said to him that it is fine if he wants to be there and do anything for his kids. That he can parent (or not) any way he wants. I will walk away. I can't be kids centric. I don't agree with that way of raising them. And he does what your does just won't let it happen. That is why it is going to make it hard because I am ready to go and not play games anymore.My cousin stayed single until her daughter was in college because she was all about her daughter and she knew it.
If these kids are adult age..
If these kids are adult age....this would be a h3ll NO for me and a hill I'd be willing to end my marital relationship on if I was not consulted
Probably wouldn't even get married to that person if I forsaw this pattern.
I don't do kid-centered relationships. And if these bio parents raised their kids properly while they were under 18 they wouldn't have to worry about the cash grabs when they're fully capable adults
Its one thing to help adult kids every blue moon if they are respectful, actively trying to improve themselves/their financial status, doesn't affect the household financials, and the spouse agrees to it (which if all of the above conditions are met then the spouse would have an easier time agreeing)
But it sounds like Powersulk and Feral Forager are very disrespectful, aren't trying to develop themselves, negatively impacts your household finances, and your husband should financially cut them off since they don't meet these criteria and especially since they have no respect for either your nor him.
Adult kids especially have to understand the SPOUSE comes first and that their wants as adults will not negatively impact / supercede the marriage.
And if my husband did respond with anything other than "yeah and this is my WIFE!" .... he'd be sleeping in the basement indefinitely until he figured ot out.
No it's not right. Imo. Your husband has it backwards
Hey Clove. Just wanted to
Hey Clove. Just wanted to stop by and say that I too am often my worst enemy and bring up step kid topics and get involved when I probably shouldn't. It's hard not to say what is on your mind, to have no one in real life to bitch about this stuff and to keep quiet about things coming up in the future when we can see that there is going to be an issue and our partners seem oblivious.
This stuff is tough and complete disengagement must be some rare state only achieved by those truely zen step parents. I doubt I'll ever get there. It just isn't how my brain works. But I slowly, slowly make progress.
I can see how you have made a lot of progress over the years too. I remember how involved you used to be in raising your sd when she was younger. You have disengaged a lot since then.
Thanks!
Wow, so we have some history on here together
I was going back and reading my past drivel. EGADS.
After 12 Years of Hell...
and another 3 of recovery for the damage done to my mental state by allowing such toxic behaviors to impact me....I finally learned my lesson.
-I do NOT get involved with DH and his kids UNLESS it will directly impact me. That's a mutual agreement between us set in counseling.
-I have limited info about DHs kids....don't want to know, don't care to know...UNLESS it impacts me.
-I could care less what they say about me.I I laught at their lies. Truth be told, those who know me, know those are lies. Those who believe those lies don't know me and don't count. I don't concern myself with what they say about DH. That's HIS battles. I know who I am, I know my worth, I know what I've done for that crew and I'm good...I sleep very well at night.
-While DH does not send a red cent to any of them, if he wanted to, that's his business and his money. Don't care as long as in doesn't IMPACT me or my finances.
-As kids are all adults now, there will NEVER be a time they will live with us. Heck, when they visit DH, they stay at hotels or with BMs family.
With these mindsets in place these past two years, my relationship with my DH has blossomed into a beautiful partnership. Through counseling, I have reconciled my deep dislike of DHs kids - they are humans that I would not be in relation with in my own social world and just because I'm married to their father does not FORCE me to be in relation with them. If I see them, I'm civil and superficial, kind of like the cashier at the grocery store.
I share this with you to encourage you to find a good therapist to help you process your anger. With a clear mind, you can then decide if you want to continue in this relationship with your DH or move on. I will say this...anger and bitterness ONLY hurt YOU (ask me how I know). Best to deal with that crap, establish some safe boundaries for yourself and make decisions that benefit YOU.
Big hugs, CLove. While we are total strangers to each other, I DO care about you, CLove...probably because our journeys are so similar. Big hugs, Sista.
((Big Hugs Back))
Thank you for your intentions of positivity and solid advice.
Because of you CLove, DH said
Because of you CLove, DH said no. What a huge victory.
He also is recognizing that FF is a POS and even though she is his... POS, he recognizes that she is a waste of money.
As others have advised, invest in your peace of mind, keep the message forward that in CA, any money spent on THEM, is your money as much as it is DH's and you do not agree to a single Cent being spent on THEM without prior discussion and agreement. That epiphany, that you mentioned above, was an eye opener for me. In a few short months, you will completely out of the subsidizing the Harpy squad business. Forever. Keep the prior notification and agreement message front a center and quit undermining your own peace.
Worrying about what ifs, is giving them space in your head and it steals your bliss. Please find a path to get past that. When the crop up, cut off their heads and get back to living your best life and investing in your peace. Kind of like Harpy whack-a-mole though with surgical precision that skins them alive until they crawl back into their cesspool to recover from the fileting.
I had my version of what you are going through. When SS turned 18 and there were no more visitations looming, no more whining and crying over CS by SpermGrandHag, and no more looming drama, I had what I can only classify as withdrawals. I was so tuned to attacking what invariably came next from the SpermClan that I was always ready. It was odd.
They did try to refocus their targeting of our son by trying to guilt him into repaying the CS they had paid to DW. They tried to leverage the three younger spermidiot spawned half sibs. That ultimately was the death knell of them as a consideration at all in SS-31's life.
Deep breaths, focus on you, and don't degrade your own peace by worring about what might could possibly happen next.
So, do what I say, not what I did.
t took me a while to detox from the 16yrs we spent under the CO, having to defend ourselves and SS from them at the drop of a hat. But, I did get there. Eventually. I progressively detuned over a year to 3-ish. Give or take.
Do not torture yourself ... like I did.
Take care of you.
PT(SD) Detox
Ive been working on the taking care of myself portion. And let go of that need to worry about what might happen.I still want justice and hope for that but knowing that part of it is probably what you said - having to detox from the need to be hypervigilant.
Thank you!
I don’t look into people bank accounts
But $800 a month. Because next month will be the same . Is a big amount of money. $10,000 a year. Hope you are getting everything you need.
Attn CLove:
CLove, I just replied to you on your previous blog titled Long Con.