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Whats the plan Stan

CLove's picture

ok, so I need some specific advice:

SD17

Powersulk has been a major truant, with some knarly grades in important classes. The reason, she states is that she has been having migrains, fatigue and nausea.

Today, Husband related to me that she would be completing her senior year online.

I asked "so how is that supposed to go, and you know she HAS to graduate".

He told me that he doesnt really know but was assured that she would walk with her class. She had it all worked out with a counselor.

I am at the point where I am disengaged until it affects me, but in my mind this affects me.

Am I wrong in thinking this?

And if not, I want a group discussion:

1. whose idea was this? What needs to be done to sign off on this?

2. What is the current plan?

3. How does this get set up?

4. What is your plan for after graduation?

I want to keep it all general so that its not like Im trying to ask "when are you moving to Beach Town full time, so you will need to start packing up your stuff".

My bio mom friend (who is also a stepmother) is telling me I need to be supportive and keep trying to be her friend and let her know that I love her etc...

Comments

JRI's picture

I can tell you are anxious, Clove, but its totally out of your hands.  My youngest GD, in Florida, a sophomore, is supposedly doing most of her classes online. So, it's possible but not your problem.  Lets say the worst happens and she doesnt graduate.  How different would her life be than it is now?   She will be living in Beachtown, not working.  The only difference is that your DH will be off the hook for CS.

Rags's picture

THe goal is graduation or a GED.  On time.

Beyond that, do not over think this.  A D is as good as an A for the goal that is at hand.

Cs get degrees. Ds get diplomas.  A diploma or a GED cert is the goal.

That said, I did my undergrad engineering degree at a brick and mortar school.  I did my MBA online.  Both were an insane amount of work. Online just as much as brick and mortar. Even more challenging when you consider that no one is taking attendance, turning in work does not happen under the hairy eyeball of a teacher  (Prof) or a TA, and if daddy and TT are not forcing PS to live under the hairy eyeball of school work oversight... she in all liklihood will not finish HS. 

If I were daddy, I would look at forcing a GED test out program to ensure that I am out of the CS business on schedule.

I would not get into it with PS at all. Just tell daddy that she is off the marital payroll on time.  18 or graduation whichever is first. If that is the rule in your State. If not... she fails to graduate on time, drive for forced emancipation.

No quarter.  

That said, I was on the 5yr plan for HS. I had 2 sophomore years.  Then, I was on the 11yr plan for Undergrad.  If I had been a Skid, I would have been so screwed.  Though for undergrad, parental support was for the first 2 and the a portion of the last 2 years. I covered the rest.  

Part of our position with SS was due to my experience in HS.  Fortunately his mom and I were in agreement.  

Take care of you CLove. Do not put yourself through more tension than the goal warrants. Beyond Ds. Grades do not matter in this situation.

Lillywy00's picture

^agreed. 
 

powersulk and her breeder can play around with hs education all they want but your spouse needs to make it crystal clear to them both that lackluster educational performance/aging out of CS system/etc means -> he is no longer financially obligated and any requests to live with you/your husband as a now adult will be discussed between you two and any resources expended on her are optional not guaranteed 

I would have several conversations drilling this point in (if I were y'all) so powersulk and breeder are fully aware and plan - to freeload elsewhere - accordingly. 

NotMeAnymore's picture

It is nerve wrecking when you hear those Skids say they don't want to finish high school. All kinds of thoughts like am I having a lazy ass couch surfer money pit adult living in?

You make sure SD gets at least a GED. So at least can get a job later.

Your bio mom friend... must be lucky with her step(s) and the BP must have given her authority to raise them. Easier said than done.

Rags's picture

It is mind boggling for sure.  I was a 2 sophomore years of HS kid myself.  My second 10th grade year through 12th grade were at Military school so I had little choice but to finish HS.  I certainly wanted to finish and I did extremely well. But I know mom and dad were a bit concerned there for a while.

Don't get me started on my 11yr, 7 Colleges/Universities, 7 different majors, Undergradute career.  Nearly 300 semester hours, one BS degree.

I pretty much still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I just turned 60.  Serious Peter Pan syndrome I guess.

Scratch one-s head

Cover1W's picture

My niece changed to online classes to finish high school due to a lot of personal issues going on that were effectively making regular school very problematic. 

She ended up graduating, barely. It took a lot of self study and discipline which she didn't really have, and there was a huge lack of oversight by her parents. Skated by.

She's now in community College, but much of the online high school classes didn't count as enough background. She's had to take additional tests for enrollment and has several makeup classes to do for pre-requisites.

Bottom line, it's not easy, and will not help her all that much. However she may be able to eek out a diploma...Clove do NOT get involved. The only thing you need to be doing is making sure your H knows she will not be living with you after graduating or flunking out, or quitting school.

Rags's picture

Oh yes. Remedial classes at CC/JC. The lott of so many who barely graduate HS with delusions of grandeur on going to college.

I do not lament anyone making an effort at a college education. Sadly, many who barely finished HS end up with huge school loan balances in college with nothing to show for it.

My SIL being one of them. To the tune of $100K+ counting penalties and interest for non payment of school loans.

I had about 30 semester hurs from JCs or CCs.  Much cheaper than the same class at Uni and it directly transferred to fill the requirement.fTX has a number of CCs that work directly with nearby universities to ensure direct transfer of credits.

 

thinkthrice's picture

SD (stb 27) lasted for about 5 to 6 weeks in Community College before dropping out.  All three of the ferals got terrible grades, were constantly truant, etc etc.  The Girhippo did not enforce homework nor classwork nor school attendance.   The last one skated aka the HousesHitter (YSS 21) because his work was supposedly done online during covid

 We kept getting notifications saying that the HousesHitter had not logged in for weeks.  How he graduated I'll never know.  Because you  have no control over it,  just be glad it's not New York state where they can graduate at 18 and still you have to pay CS no matter what their circumstances are until they are 21.

Cover1W's picture

The great thing is my nice is doing so good at her CC, she loves it. I think she'll do ver well since she's very motivated. Crossing fingers she finds something she loves to do!

Rags's picture

With the preditory lending issues and student loan debt not being forgivable under bankruptcy laws, finding what they love is IMHO secondary to completing a degree that has a viable market for jobs.

For many years I have worked with smart degreed people who struggle to advance their careers because their degree is in a field that is not particularly high paying or marketable to the broad job market.

I had this very conversation with my company's Safety Training Specialist today. They have a BA in Sociology and have pushing for conversion to a salary role.  We are in a high tech manufacturing industry and their flavor of BA is not conducive to movement to a higher income position.  We took some time this AM to discuss and for me to map out a path to a professional certification that may help.  

Pick the right degree and engage in a life long learning model to drive a notable career long income.  Loving it, is a bonus.  

I love what I do and have for decades.  However, love is action.  I followed opportunity when it showed up. The actions of doing what I do grew the love that I have for what I do.

Having any degree is a great accomplishment, having the right degree can have additional impact on what you can earn.

Good luck to your niece.

RockyRoads's picture

I know it is as hard as you as it is for me to not say anything. But you have to start trying.  I have found out that me saying things about the kids just causes me more agony. 

Rags's picture

Which is why I would say things directly to the Skid and not about the Skid.

KISS

Direct discussion with the Skid. Not complaining to the SO/SKid's parent.

"Did you log in and do your work today?  Show me."

 

CajunMom's picture

Whatever the "graduation" date should be, stand on that. Focus on what life will look like after that REGARDLESS if she graduates or not. What are your expectations? No long weeks of visitation? No more money being handed out? Crap behavior no longer tolerated in your home??? 

Figure out what you want and make sure your DH knows there will be NO compromising.

ESMOD's picture

I have some very personal experience with this.

1.  Kids will need an adult who is obligated to oversee and monitor their work.. that they are doing the work.  who will that be? praytell?  In my case.. it ended up being ME.. and THAT was a complete disaster.. trying to manage it mostly from a remote distance.. (SD lived with the Inlaws.. but they refused to monitor her work and husband was working offshore with no reliable access to phone or internet).

2.  THE COST... even if the classes may be somewhat free..there are often materials that must be purchased.. I believe we ended up spending almost a thousand dollars on books etc.. about 9 years ago.

3.  SD's aptitude/abilities.. Look.. if you already have a kid who is doing marginal in school.. being lazy.. procrastinating.. this absolutely will be a disaster... I see ZERO chance of this working if anything you say about your SD is remotely true.  My SD was an honor role student.. but she struggled with time management.. because she had no one to direct her day.. and she spent hours on snapchat.. not doing her work.. it took 2x as long to get through the classes as she originally said it would take.

4.  REALITY of it working?  Well.. we also discovered when she was part way through.. that oopsie.. there is one more class she had to take.. at yet another cost.. so what she thought it was at first.. turned out to be more.. more time.. more money.. more aggravation.

Bottom line is that the chance that a child who has been lazy about attendance (no diagnosed conditions.. just vague malady complaints right?).. who has been lazy about turning in assignments on time for anything.. even courses she likes like ART? .. Who resents anyone looking over her shoulder.. putting a boot in her behind.. gets accused of abuse.   She will bomb out of remote work.

I guaranty that the reality is that she is probably having some social issues at school... and stress over not doing well.. and she is trying to opt out of the experience.. vs buckling down and actually doing the work.  

I mean.. remember..you are married to a guy that can't even figure out how to log onto a school portal to check progress even when he is given full instructions on how to do it.

He won't be able to monitor her.. it will fall to you.. CLOVE will be ENEMY number ONE.  

I know you are disengaged.. but I would tell your husband that this is the stupidest scheme they have come up with yet.

AgedOut's picture

I'll give you the answers they'll give you if you have a sit down.

 

remember these ate their answers not mine. 

1. whose idea was this? What needs to be done to sign off on this?  I/we am/are the parents, this isn't your bees wax, butt out. 

2. What is the current plan? none of your business, she's my kid not yours. stop trying to control her.

3. How does this get set up? keep yourself out of our business

4. What is your plan for after graduation? Daddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy she's scaring me and trying to kick me out of our house. She's mean and I hate her and you need to protect poor wittle meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ESMOD's picture

1. whose idea was this? What needs to be done to sign off on this?  Really doesn't matter too much who's idea this is.. but I'm guessing that your SD is the one who cooked this up.  Her guidance counselor will likely be the one to manage getting official school approval...and setting out the course requirements.. (that will have to come from approved programs online).

2. What is the current plan?  The current plan is for her to sit around all day.. procrastinate and not finish her degree like she claims she will.. oh.. I mean.. what are they telling you the plan is?  .. that is to take X online classes and then graduate with her class.

3. How does this get set up?  hahahahaha.. you will do it. you will pay for it. .you will manage it.

4. What is your plan for after graduation?  that's not part of this discussion really... that is something your husband should be able to tell you.. but he won't.. cause he is lazy parent no 1

PetSpoiler's picture

As long as she and your husband know that she will not be living with you, it's not your problem.  I know it's hard.  It seems like the parents don't care.  You can't help but care about her and worry that she will try to move in with you permanently.  Who wants an unemployed adult skid freeloader living with them?  Nobody.  

I doubt she'll graduate.  I hope I'm wrong.  It takes discipline though, to be able to do online classes without parents or anyone who will hold them accountable.  Her parents don't care enough to do it so in all likelihood she'll fail.  Again, not your problem, as long as everyone knows that she won't be crashing at your home.  She can stay in Beach Town and be Toxic Troll's headache.  

 

Harry's picture

You have no control over SD. and what SD does. DH just repeat what his DD is telling him. You know it BM delusional and dysfunctional house no learning will take place.  The school wants SD gone.  They want to stop spending money on her. If she does some school work. They will pass her just not to have a bother drop out.

 
 Your main concern is the future. To stop paying CS  after graduating.  To get SD out of your house and take her dysfunction with her.  Community College as long it's not costing you money.    To let your DH if he continues to pay for his kids. Then he needs to get a second job to fund this.  You will not pay for this for the rest of your life. Because that is in the cards 

Lillywy00's picture

Powersulk has been a major truant, with some knarly grades in important classes. The reason, she states is that she has been having migrains, fatigue and nausea.

Today, Husband related to me that she would be completing her senior year online.

Is she pregnant?
 

Not that  I need to know but I'd get an answer to this before agreeing to anything in her terms - which could be the gateway to permanent freeloading roommate/3 generations in one house/inadvertently disrupting your retirement to become free built in babysitters