DH and I had a talk yesterday that I wanted to share--we had a rare free moment to talk alone, and I mentioned an incident that occurred a couple of weeks ago when we were cleaning out the hall closet---the last vestige of Former Family stuff was hiding in there--I asked for it to be packed up in tubs and put away safely in the garage, for the kids when they are older.

He found an invitation to SS's bday party when SS was about 5, after he and BM had been separated and living apart for a year and a half. BM had written on the invitation "We'll see you there, Daddy!". DH was looking at the invitation and repeated the sentence "We'll see you there, Daddy!" and went "awwww. isn't that sweet?" with this dreamy look on his face. I was pretty on edge at the moment--been waiting and asking for this closet to be cleaned out for a long time--and couldn't restrain myself from turning and saying, "It is NOT sweet. SS didn't write that!!" (meaning, I know how a person could think it was sweet but did he have to be STUPID enough to say it out loud to ME, for crying out loud? HOW DUMB IS THAT?) Like, I want to hear that he thinks that BM does cute and sweet things. ARRRRGGGHHH.

I let it go after saying that, but the incident came to mind time to time, and while there's nothing I can do about the sentiment (and I can grudgingly accept that), I couldn't get over his lack of judgment in saying it to *me*.

So I raised it yesterday, and let him know that it has been bothering me and in the future could he exercise better judgment? And he turned to me and said: "I totally see what you're feeling. And you're right, it was very poor judgement and you have every right to be unhappy. But, let me tell you something. I wasn't actually thinking about what BM wrote and that it was cute or sweet. I was actually thinking about how sweet my boy was at his bday party and I saw all his bday parties flashing in front of my eyes, and I thought about how quickly he's growing up, and it just made me all misty and gooey. So I didn't say exactly what I was feeling, but that's what I was feeling." He said it's the same thing that happens when he uses a particular tone of voice with BM that I HATE, it's kind of a baby-talk tone of voice. He's thinking about the kids. He's said this before, but somehow yesterday I kind of "got it" more.

That doesn't make it not hurt, but it sure does help me see a bigger picture. And my DH is just the greatest for being able to articulate these things and for, frequently, being on my side. While I wish he could control/temper his behavior/reactions in the moment, better, in order to protect me, I love these sentimental feelings of his and his support of me, and it makes me love him more. And I just leaned over and kissed him and told him I loved him and thank you.

Perhaps, another insight into why DHs act as they do. It's not always guilt, and it's not always about the BM, even when it's action taken toward or around her.