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My thoughts over the last 5 months...whew...Changes all around

halo1998's picture

Almost 6 months ago...my world came crashing down around me.  Discovery Day (D-Day)was certainly an eye opening day.

Ah...so as many know...after much thought I decided to give DH a chance to make things right with us and to move forward and stay with him.  

This was done with the knowledge that I would try to reconcile and that I would give myself permission to walk if I thought DH wasn't putting in the work to make things right.

Dh, and I will give him credit, is certainly putting in the work.  Its not easy for either of us...but we are both putting in a 100 percent. Our marriage counselor is amazing and we did get lucky with him.

That being said I've learned a thing or two about myself, DH and our relationship.

1.  Boundaries...good lord I need them. I suck at them with DH, with my kids and with my parents.  I've let these people run rough shod over me way too long.  

2.  DH...while he likes kids..he does not like parenting them.  He really doesn't like having to deal with tough emotional/stressfull situations period.  I realized he put all the kid raising, home stuff, etc all on me.  He noped out of all responsibility and left it to me.  That made me an anxious, bitchy mess.  90% of the stress was not from me, my kids or even my ex.  IT WAS ALL DH, his kids, his ex, his work, etc.  Then he wondered why I was tired, bitchy and very very resentful and ball of anxiousness.

3.  DH likes to escape from reality to avoid the above. Games, TV, other SUPER inappropriate things....anything to NOT deal with things at home.  Things that include me.  Then he wonders why he doesn't have a connection with me, the kids, etc.....kind of hard when your trying to escape and only be there for the good stuff.  We notice and we all knew we are not the priority.

4.  I react to stress/anxiety by trying to control everything and anything.  I want the control to feel safe...and yep that is an illusion...because you can never really control anything.  

5. I learned I have a really hard time telling people my needs.....(thanks to my mother) and thus I don't tell them and then I resent the hell out of people for not meeting my needs.  Can't imagine how that was going to work.

6.  DH since he avoids emotional stuff like its COVID, while wanting a better connection with me...basically did everything to not have one since it would mean he had to be available to support me through rough times.  He only wanted to be connected if everything was happy and good. There is that pesky emotional thing...not everything is happy and good 100% of the time.

7.  Just because DH, SD and Beaver want to make their problems my problems.  THEY ARE NOT MY PROBLEMS.  I get to walk away from them and their problems.   Just because they want to hand me their problems, doesn't mean I have to accept their problems and run around trying to fix them.  

8. SD....not my kid.  I can't control her and her decisions.  I can't parent her.  Its up to her parents to guide her and mold her. How she turns out..that is on them, not me.

9. Good lord my mother has issues..sheesh..if anyone needs therapy its her.  I've learned I need to put up some boundaries there and its not my job to make her happy at the expense of everyone else and myself.

10. I need to get back to my hobbies, etc.  For too long DH, SD and everyone else sucked the life out of me...with my permission.  I need to stop and pay attention to me and the things I like to do.

11.  Instead of telling DH what to do with Beaver and SD..I need to just be a sounding board and not dive in head first to give solutions. I need to let DH decide and then just stand back and watch and listen.  (OOFFFFF....this is hard for me)

So..while D day SUCKED..in many ways its been good.  It has made me reevaluate myself and how I manage my relationships.  It has made me look at myself and fix things with in me regardless of what happens between DH and I.

 

Comments

JRI's picture

Sounds like you lucked out with your counselor.

Maybe with all these changes, you'll be back to the fun person DH was attracted to as he sought to escape reality.  Lol.  Not funny, I know but you've learned a lot.  Continued good luck!

Survivingstephell's picture

I hope HE has the fortitude to face his demons and realizes that he will spend the rest of your lives together making amends and being a better human.  It's not your fault that he did what he did and  its great how you are now aware of the dysfunctional traps you fell into.  I hope you both can form an authentic and loving relationship out of the ruins that  lay at your feet now.  

Rags's picture

I truly hope those in your life who need to step up do and that they remain commited to engaging with you successfully.

Or, I  hope that you can cut them loose and get on with a toxicity free life.

Take care of you.

halo1998's picture

has made me realize that I have a few relationships that need to be re worked. Its been quite a learning experience.

caninelover's picture

I hope that things continue to get better for you.  You certainly deserve it.

strugglingSM's picture

Seems like you and your DH are on the right path. Many of these resonate with me.

halo1998's picture

and for a first time in a long time I have hope that we will be ok.  I think so many of use fall into the traps that I did in our step life.

halo1998's picture

I do appreciate the encouragement.

thinkthrice's picture

You could be my twin!

Merry's picture

Triplets.

Especially the control thing. Ouch.

halo1998's picture

 :)  I think there are a lot of us that fall into this just due the nature of a step situation.  Its like having at least 3 people in a marriage and one of which is unhinged.

Kes's picture

Good for you.  You sound like you know where you are going.  About 6 mths ago a similar thing happened to me - after about 8 yrs of relative peace, SD27 sent me a vile email accusing me of all sorts of things from her childhood (I was completely disengaged), and DH initially seemed to be wanting me to appease her.  I came perilously close to doing so, but stepped back, laid down some boundaries and told DH he could do what he wanted (divorce me?) but there was no way I was going to be bullied by him and SD27.  Since then, he has been in therapy and making a lot of progress.  I've been there, done that - I said no to joint therapy since I think he needs it more. I am still prepared to separate if he backslides but hopefully it won't come to that. 

halo1998's picture

The couples therapist has been absolutely great. He pins DH down on things and forces him to think about how to change things..not just "oh I need to change" nonesense.

My own counselor has been really good at helping me address my anxiety disorder. That has been invaluable..since it had gotten out of control.

thinkthrice's picture

It never ends, does it?  I'm just waiting for that sort of stupidity as well as OSS just turned 26 and is now married.  I wouldn't expect it of him but I can see the youngest two who were horrid monsters, doing something like this or even putting OSS up to it.  

Stick to your guns!

justmakingthebest's picture

I like your counselor! Those are all great discoveries about eachother and now you have your place to start making your life better! I really hope your DH puts in the work and you guys can pull through! Personal growth is hard but worth it!

halo1998's picture

he clued into how DH's works pretty quickly and helps DH address the issues that led to a lot of our problems.  

You are so right its not easy...but for the first time in a VERY VERY long time I feel peaceful, despite all that has happened.  The personal growth for me has been amazing. While I DETEST how we got here..I think both personally and as a couple we needed to get here.

ESMOD's picture

This is great insight... while you should never accept responsibility for the poor choices other people make.. that doesn't mean that you can't accept that your own actions and reactions have contributed to a less than healthy relationship....(and life.. these things go beyond just marriage).

A big one I see here is people not having boundaries and another is not being able to ask for what they need and want.  Women tend to be especially bad about telling people they want things and telling people NO.  People can't read our minds.. and people don't know that they are asking for more than we want to give/do.. if we don't push back.  I have gotten a little better at this myself.. Now, if we are going to see people.. or do things I'm not super excited about.. my DH knows that.. I tell him.. and he ensures that we keep our time there to a reasonable amount.. AND.. he is less likely to accept invites from these people...   I also finally told him that it kind of hurt my feelings to not get a present at my birthday or Christmas.... even when I logically know we have been tight on funds at times.. that is not the time to be the scrooge..lol.  so now I get a thoughtful.. even if not super expensive gift... holidays aren't a big deal to HIM.. so he thought I felt 100 percent the same.. how would he know if I didn't tell him?

halo1998's picture

I'm not responsible for Dh's actions and he fully admits that it was not my fault...it was his fault completely.  I, however, realized these issue didn't occur in a vaccum and while DH's actions SUCKED on the highest level....my own actions and issues helped create an enviroment that was less than healthy.

DH also has realized that while he thought I was "happy" and that the status quo worked......it was not and I was not happy.  I just didn't say it to him or anyone really.

I'm working on not trying to make everyone happy with dividing my time. I have realized that my kids like to monopolize my time when they want.  Its not always convienent for me...and plus I genuinely want to spend more time with my DH.   I have to learn to say No to them..even when my daughter pouts and tries to guilt me into changing my plans.  I can see where I put DH's and my time on the back burner alot for my kids.   Outside of my anxiety..this is probably the biggest thing I need to work on.

reedle2021's picture

Sounds like you're all on the right path.  Your counselor also sounds like a good one.  You have clearly gained some valuable insight regarding the problem, your DH too.  I wish you the best and I hope everything works out for all of you! 

Please keep us posted - we are here for you!  Smile

Birchclimber's picture

Add me to your group of twins!

I can relate to pretty much every point on your blog!  Even #9.  My mother.  As though having two toxic adult SDs wasn't enough, now she is starting to throw her bit of crazy into my already overflowing pot.  I'm working on the boundary thing with her too, but some days it can all be just too much. 

For you to have had these revelations and to be able to articulate them so well, I'd say that things are definitely going in the right direction for you.  Thank you for sharing these.  It's given me food for thought.