I think it's time for some snooping. He's likely ramping up conflict between the two of you to justify him potentially wanting to chat with someone new. Or maybe he's just REALLY tempted right now, but resisting, so he's being extra needy and bitchy.

Are you being extra accommodating about watching what he wants to watch and listening to his stories in an attempt to meet his needs for attention so he won't cheat again? Can't be done. And it's NOT your fault.

A healthy person who wants a closer relationship and MORE attention will usually try to make plans with their partner or do things their partner likes to do.

If he's sitting on his behind wanting you to do everything he wants to do, then he's manipulating you like a helpless little baby.

Is he still seeing a therapist?

This is a soul crushing way to live. You are in no way responsible for your husband's crappy behaviour. He is acting like a baby. It doesn't sound like you are getting anything other than stress and anxiety from this relationship. I know it's easy for me to say, but I would walk. If that's not possible, I would do whatever the hell I wanted. He's already an AH and will complain no matter what you do.

Halo, I'm going to be blunt. ADHD is not his problem, he is his problem. And not only are you good enough, you're so much more than that. You deserve to be treated better. 

What exactly is he changing? My guess is not a damn thing. 

YOU. ARE. GOOD. ENOUGH.

YOU. ARE. STRONG SMART KIND and worthy of so much more than he is giving you. 

She wrote that book "Leave a Cheater, Gain A life".  She has a blog and an online community.  She's a fabulous.  I think you should spend some time on her page and read some of her articles about why people cheat.  It's not because you didn't pay him enough attention.  

It's not you, it's him. He's an addict. An attention addict. Some attention addicts are narcissists. He sounds like he may be one. 

One sided relationships never work, and he's making it clear nothing you do to accommodate will ever be enough. 

Has he been diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder??? Sheesh.

He wants your life to revolve around him and his need for 110% of your attention. This is unrealistic and unhealthy. Your H is the only one who can work on resolving HIS issues. And they are most definitely his issues; not yours. You are destroying your mental health being sucked into his swirling black hole of excessive neediness. How he manages to defecate without an audience is beyond me.

Your health is everything, be it physical or mental. Please put yourself first, halo. {{{HUGS}}}

First and Last and in the Middle.

Will ever be enough.  I've been married to those types before.   Chef is often like that as well.

"H has always treated my job, the one that keeps housed and fed, to be of lesser importance and less stress that his. "

OMG does that ever sound familiar!   Chef always implies that i am either too slow, lazy, time waster.   We've been on vacation for the last 1.5 weeks and he's actually been around to watch me keep up with my database.   Takes ages to enter all that info.  

I can relate to your job stress.  When I had my job supporting the county's 911 systems, EMS, sheriff dept  that was 24/7--no pressure there LOL.

I think he is gaslighting you to "equalize" the blame for his continued poor behavior.  Time to think seriously of jettisoning him.

You wanna hear some sick sh*t? My first husband, father of my 3 children is somewhat like your husband. He was NEEDY, lacked social skills and friends, and looked to me and our kids as his main social entertainment. He was so damned helpless and would say, "But you're so much better at planning things." Funny how he never failed to b*tch and complain about every damn thing. So the sick part is this. As we were going through our separation and before I filed for divorce, he said to me that he was always so jealous of me the times I needed medical care (3 c-sections and a handful of surgeries). He always wanted me to have to take care of him (tend to him like a nurse) and found himself hoping he'd get really sick or get cancer so I would fuss over him. WTF? How disturbed is that?

I think it is time for another "come to Jesus" talk with him. It sounds like some of his worse behavior is happening because he is no longer in therapy. I think you need to lay it all out for him, exactly how you are feeling and insist he get back in therapy and make some changes. If he doesn't, it is time for you to start planning your exit.

I have followed your story from the beginning and you have gone over an beyond to make this marriage work. It is time for him to start putting in the same effort.

I'd go with Door #2 - F8CK THIS SH8T. You have bent over backwards for this man, forgiven his affair,  tolerated his kids and his Beaver . . . and he has no appreciation. I would be done with him.  This isn't ADHD - it's selfishness.

Halo, your DuH should be crawling over broken glass (metephorically) to keep you happy.  You are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to make him happy.  The fact that he couldn't make the sacrifice for you to really enjoy the trip to the musuem is awful.  He could have sat and played with his phone in the gift store and let you really enjoy the visit.

I'd be tempted to speak to a therapist myself if I was you to help to figure out if you would be happier on your own.  

After all of these years , he STILL can't put you first.  After everything you have done for his family, he STILL can't put you first.  He's like those lamprey eels that invaded the Great Lakes, they sucked the life out of their victims. He is sucking the life out of you.  Twisting things to make himself the victim.  Projecting his so called inability to be alone as a problem for you to solve.   Manipulation. Gaslighting .  That's all he's got now.  

That level of neediness sounds exhausting.

There is not a magic formula to "make" your spouse happy. No amount of time or attention will be enough. You can't fix whatever is broken in him, but it sounds like maybe you both think it's your responsibility, at least on some level.

His need for attention and validation is a huge part of his cheating. He's got to address that within himself. But it's hard and it means he will have to change. 

I've been thinking about you. My ex-husband belittled me, insulted me, accused me, guilted me, and made me doubt myself. One day I realized how badly his need for attention was suffocating me. 

Is your husband's need for attention suffocating you?

His playing hide the pecker with whatever random snatch queen he can get his hands on is not in any way your fault. 

You did not hunt down his lovers for him, you did not take him by the hand and lead him to them, put them in bed together and insert his happy parts into hers.  He did all of that. Not you.

So, get that "it is (your) fault" crap out of your head.

I am so thrilled that you are now entertaining ending this crap life with this crap non man.

If I were  you, I would list the house, take the cash, and get on with  your life.  All while not contributing in any way to anything that comforts or cares for him.

ADHD is not what causes him to be an adulterous asshole.

Though not ADHD and to my knowledge not even dyslexic, my XW was hard pressed to read any word longer than 3 letters.  Which was very interesting considering that for our entire marriage she was working on her BSN from a top tier nursing program.  I wrote every paper she was assigned the last 3 years of her Undergrad.   I got nothing less than a B on any of her papers that I wrote and only one B at that. Every other paper I wrote for her was an A.  And I have never been a BSN student. 

She walked out of marriage counseling 6wks after graduating with her BSN and 3 weeks after we closed on buying a house.  She walked out of our home 2mos after that.

In hindsight, I am grateful to her for ending that travesty of a marriage.  Like your DH, she had a dating problem and as she said just before walking out of therapy "I don't have a problem with sex.". That was no lie, she just had a problem with sex within a marriage. Outside of marriage she was vaulting onto every Johnson she could reach.   Apparently that did not end when we divorced and married geriatric Fortune 500 executive GrandPa Sugar/baby daddy.  They met while she was scrubbing his weenus during a sponge bath on her post op nursing school rotation.  He did marry her after their second son was born.  She was knocked up with their first when she left our marriage.  He divorced her a number of years later when she got knocked up by a boyfriend.

Anyway, take your leave of this gonad Ranger and end your bangmaid career.

He is not worthy of you. His infidelity is not your fault. 

Take care of you.