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Well my time as step mom may be coming to an end - trigger warning

halo1998's picture

I found out today H because he certainly isn't dear has been having online affairs for the last 5 years. So,yea this has been a fun   That Mack truck came out of nowhere and just ran me over.

 

lots of decisions to think about and to decide. I guess my dog was right and I needed protecting from my not even close to dear h.

Comments

Rags's picture

And my congratulations on the start of your new life adventure.

Now, go for his throat, leave him in the gutter, and have no qualms about it.  In your past is where this POS belongs.

Take care of you.

halo1998's picture

I'm pretty numb right now.  I have to think of my strategy.  I did let all of his affairs know...that he is a liar and cheater, so there is that.  Not so much to get to him but to warn them....and to get back some power,

Cover1W's picture

Oh no! No! Dammit EFF him. Seriously. Do you have a friend you can go to? I'm so pissed at him for you. Just stupid. Maybe your last post needs to be corrected....

Felicity0224's picture

Oh no. I cannot say how sorry I am for what you're going through. I've been there. A few times, unfortunately. So I know exactly how devastating it is. Emotionally, physically, mentally...the pain is unlike any other. And I'm so sorry you're having to experience that.

As many people as you tell, there will be that many opinions on what you should do and when. Take it all with a grain of salt and remember that people give advice because they care about you, but that doesn't always mean they know what's best. You're an intelligent, strong, and successful woman. You have it within yourself to make the right choices. Just be patient and give yourself as much grace and time as  you need. If you ever need someone to chat with about this wretched experience, please feel free to pm me.

P.S. It should go without saying, but just in case, please know that you do NOT deserve what he did. It doesn't reflect on you one bit. If you choose to go scorched earth in him, he deserves every bit of it and more. 

halo1998's picture

I'm guessing there will be a whole wave of emotions.  Relieved as I have suspected for a while but couldn't prove it.  Anger because really who the h3ll would put with this step shite if you didn't think you had a good partner. 

Kamore's picture

*sad* But I had to to wish you well. I know what you're going through is hard and will undoubtedly get harder before it gets easier, but we have positive thoughts, good vibes, and/or prayers for you over here! 

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I am so sorry! I know how you feel, my ex cheated on me and I don't think I will ever forget the moment I figured it out. I have no personal experience with this site, but lots of women who have been cheated on recommend chumplady.com for some great advice. Hang in there, it is tough - but so are you.

floralsm's picture

So sorry to hear! What a POS. Sending good vibes and well wishes on your new self adventure. People who cheat are just the worst! Keep your friends and family close to you and give your pup lots of cuddles. My dog got me through my last breakup. She was a GSD and her energetic nature was the only thing that got my a*s out of bed each day. Rest her soul now, but theres a reason these dogs have a human connection with those that love them. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

WUT!?? I am so sorry to hear this.

Plan your next steps carefully, Halo. I hope you make that fool suffer for betraying you.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'm so sorry.  What he has done is awful.  

As someone else mention chumplady's site might be a good resource.

Can you take some time for yourself while you figure out next steps?  

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

This happened to me once too.  My now ex husband left his email up and I was 7 months pregnant with our third daughter.  He was having all kinds of affairs and had been our entire marriage.  I had to go get VD and Aids tested with my OBGYN.  Talk about embarrassing.  The stress of it put me in the hospital and my baby was born underweight.  I had to get divorced with a newborn.  That baby is now 13 and I have a happy life now but I know the feeling of total betrayl and devastation.  I hope you don't leave our community.  I love reading your posts.  Giant hugs to you.  and Yes, Chumplady got me through a lot over the years.  Her books and site and blogs are so healing. 

stepmomnorth's picture

So sorry to hear this. You are an amazing and strong person. Sorry you have to go through this. We're here. Sending long distance hugs <3

Stepdrama2020's picture

Good riddance to this class A LOSER.

Glad you found out what a sleeze he is, and high five for notifying all these women so they know too.

A good lawyer should be in your future as well as peace and happiness once you clean house.

Blessings

justmakingthebest's picture

I'm so sorry. I was cheated on in my previous marriage and the violation of that trust was gut wrenching. 

You are a strong woman and I have no doubt that you will come out of this and be better off in the end! 

advice.only2's picture

Oh no Halo I am so sorry to hear that.  Damn he really screwed up!  Whatever you decide to do with this, no judgement from me, just support.

ESMOD's picture

Wow.. I'm sorry to hear this.

I was also cheated on by my EX DH.. and to be honest?  It actually was a relief when I found out.. not only did it vindicate me in his pee poor attempt at gaslighting me.. but it also gave me that really good reason to ditch him for good.  It was quite ironic.. found his IM messages to her telling her how "I" was cheating on HIM..??? (totally not true btw).  That's how I found out.  It was really a last straw for me.. and at that point I had had it with him and his BS.  We had moved across the country for his career within the past year.. he had horrible employment  history even then.. was a jerk and just overall.. I was well better off without him!

But, the advice on taking him to the cleaners is right.  I was so anxious and happy to leave my DH that he ended up with a much better settlement financially than he would have otherwise gotten.. I let him have things because I just wanted out.

Don't do that.. get everything you are entitled to.. and in the end.. if you feel you got too much?  you can give some back.  Get yourself a good lawyer!

halo1998's picture

because I have suspected over the years..and yep I now realized that was I was being gaslighted about.  At least now I know I wasn't crazy or just being over suspicious due to my previous marriage.  

AholeH told these woman he asked for an open marriage but I said no but was ok with him being discreet and my ignorance.  Yea..nope not even remotely close.  

What a waste of time and effort on my part...

lieutenant_dad's picture

Big hugs to you, Halo. You've put up with a lot of BS from the Beaver Clan, and your AH squandered the gold he had. You'll bounce back from this in no time while he keeps wallowing in the cesspool he has helped create.

skell76's picture

I am in shock and processing so many emotions in your honor. You are an amazing person, all that you've done.  smh asshole. 

ndc's picture

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Halo.  You are strong and I'm sure you will figure out the best path for you. I will be rooting for the karma bus to flatten the AH.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I'm so sorry you're going through this. ((hugs))

It wouldn't matter to me - an affair is an affair - but I'm curious about how he was conducting online affairs. Did he actually meetup with these women?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That bloody JERK! Halo, get all of the proof you can, hire a shark of an attorney, and take his cheating arse to the cleaners. 

We're here for you, lady. {{{HUGS}}}

CLove's picture

Im so sorry you are going through this. Youve been suspecting for a while, but nothing compares to actually KNOWING. Your whole life just blew up, and I am so so sorry.

All the chumplady.com references are spot on:

https://www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

Im married to a chump and Toxic Troll was the one conducting online affairs. He was told by someone she had confided in about them. When he found out he moved her out (can you move him out? See a lawyer, grieve later). It took a while because two young children and depression (get thee to a lawyer, see a therapist later) and he found her on the phone and saw her texts for himself, then destroyed said phone (dont destroy anything, just start making copies of all documentation and important papers and keep them somewhere safe like a self-storage facility).

Toxic Troll SWORE up and down it was ONLY online. Yeah right. Your AH will try to get you back and swear this too. Husband made a fake online profile, struck up a relationship and made a date with her ("bring a few boxes of condoms youll be using ever one of them!" she told him) Imagine her surprise when Husband showed up...yeah are you expecting someone different? 

If you can go no contact, do it. While you are shell-shocked is when he will take advantage. Get thee to a lawyer, and interview a few others so AH cannot utilize them also, its a conflict of interest. If your finances are joined, start a separate account. Get all your accounting ducks in a row while he still thinks things are ok (did you tell him you KNOW?)

Gosh I am so sosososososo sorry. (hugs again)

 

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Everything Clove said! From this point on, you can't believe anything he tells you as he has proven himself a liar.

I know it is the last thing you want to think about, but make an appointment with your OB and get tested for STD's. Then start making appointments with lawyers to find out where you stand.

CLove's picture

Make a list:

1. Lawyer appointments

2. STD/STI check

3. Paperwork/banking

4. Take care of YOU.

simifan's picture

I'm going through this too. My STBeX wanted sister wives and has been chatting up his ex every day for a year. I recommend Chump lady & the FB support group. https://www.facebook.com/groups/1534591900017294 . It helps. See a lawyer - now while you are processing. Most do consults for free. You don't have to commit to anything but you should know what your options are. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oh simi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're a class act, and absolutely deserve the best.

CLove's picture

I read chump lady every day. It helps me to understand things, and I love the humor. Narcs gonna be narcs.

JRI's picture

So sorry, Halo.  Please don't leave us.  I always look for your wise, funny comments.  Hang in there. Dear.

Merry's picture

Total gut punch. I've been there. Emotional affair with my "friend" was a total betrayal.

I felt like a total fool. I found a terrific therapist and DH had the option of finding a therapist or finding a new place to live. Several hard years, and we're still together. And genuinely happy. Not everyone would have made the decision I did, but for me it was the right one.

You are not alone. PM any time. 

hregal2011's picture

I'm so very sorry. This sucks beyond words.  Honestly..can't even think of what to say.  It may take some time but eventually the fog will clear and you can get a game plan.  Best of luck

LittleCloud9's picture

I'm so sorry. No one, especially someone who sacrificed and endured as much as you, should be treated so terribly. Hugs and best wishes. Take care of you one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Get a therapist if you can. Whatever people may suggest in the end it's really about what you personally need to do for your own mental and emotional health. No nightmare lasts forever- I really wish I could do something for you, I'm so sorry.

One thing my therapist had me do that helped when someone hurt me very badly was write a letter (NOT TO SEND) to them about what happened and how I felt and burn it with a pile of their leftover junk I was cleaning out of my home. It was symbolic but it helped- I did it a couple times when I found even more evidence of their lies. It just was an emotional release that let me think more clearly.