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Well that trigger came out of nowhere...and its Stepland related

halo1998's picture

Whew...so we are six months out of d-day (discovery day).  For those just joining this party...six months ago I found out my not so DH has been having online affiars with women he met on a fetish site. Oh boy....lucky me.

Now...6 months later we are both working on ourselves and our marriage.  While things are very good between us now...there still is the occasional trigger that hits me.   Most of the time I can work through them..and reason out why the trigger is happening...and how to respond.  I can also by this time see triggers as they approach and deal with the incoming flood of emotions. This happens more times than DH knows...because I'm working on dealing with this in my therapy. 

This morning..I didn't see this one coming.

So..I work a job that I don't particularly like...as in I almost hate it.  I like the project work..but after 20+ years..I am WAY over being oncall.  The last few days I have been dealing with people not from my home country that cannot and will not accept that I do not support a particular server/application.  This morning said people called me and got me out of the shower for the same freaking issue that I have told them no less than 8 times..I AM NOT THE SUPPORT FOR THAT.  I have no access..as in can't log in, don't know what it is...AND I CANNOT HELP even if I wanted to.

DH came home from picking up SD just as I was dealing with said people....and got all pissy because I was dealing with work.  And that led to a trigger that was the size of a semi..and it ran me right over.

Why is this a trigger......

I have worked this job for the last 8 years...the amount of time that DH as messing around online.  I have not liked this job from the beginning but I stick it out because it pays really well.  Due to DH's divorce and Beaver's never ending court cases..DH was BROKE as joke for about 12 years.  Add in his being laid off from two jobs.(not his fault)..well I always felt like I had to keep my job no matter what since one of us needed to put a roof over our heads and food on our table.  I persevered in this job because I thought I was working for a better future with DH.  So this morning...when I rudely interrupted by work and DH was pissy..the rage I felt was akin to a megaton nuclear bomb.  Why...because I felt like...really I have wasted these years on this job to support you DH all the while you were out chatting up other women.  In that moment I was PISSED I was still dealing with this job and pissed because I felt like I was taken for granted and advantange of by DH.

I felt like DH took advantage of me supporting him and for granted that I kept stable employment.  I was also pissed because most of the reason I feel I had to keep the stable job was because of DH and never knowing what court thing Beaver was going to try next.  I never had the security of being with someone that was stable enough to allow me to lean on them.  Plus I think in my head....WTF DH I was busy working a very demanding and sh*tty job, taking care kids (his included), our house, all of our bills(DH 's money went to lawyers, cs and the martial debt he got in the divorce) and you were over here checked out and chatting up other women and I'M STILL WORKING this job I hate.

I know I need to let this go and move past it.  But whew....what a large trigger I didn't see coming.

 

Comments

CLove's picture

That you were triggered makes perfect sense.

And this is something to work out with therapist and maybe for new year turn things around and get a new job?

halo1998's picture

I have one more year to go..and then I can reasses the situation.  Most of the time I can roll along with this job..but damn this week has been rough.

Plus in 17 months SD will be 18 and I will be able to jetison the Beaver shackles.  I will never have to worry ever again that Beaver will take DH to court again.

Trust me when I say..I will be celebrating that day

DPW's picture

I do not blame you for feeling this way. I've always been the secure, higher income earner in relationships and the responsibility wears you down at times but especially when you feel taken advantage of. 

halo1998's picture

I'm worn down being the stable one.

That being said..DH is finally out of the hole with Beaver, court and martial debt.  However, he got that way by me working this job.  So, yea....there is that.

Yesterdays's picture

You have done a hell of a lot and should be hella proud, lady! You amaze me. You've kept it all afloat, even admist turbulent times. I can certainly understand your triggering feeling and the feeling of being upset for holding it all together while he was not acting appreciative of all of your hard efforts. You have been his rock. I hope that he can now become that rock for you, eventually as you work through things and I know that is hard. 

halo1998's picture

Its been interesting as I have been stepping back and making him stand on his own.  

 

Shieldmaiden's picture

How you feel makes perfect sense to me. You sacrificed for years to support DH, and he can't even support you for two minutes. Why are you still with this man? Quit him, and quit this job. Find another way to do what you love without the on call BS. I'm sure you haven't had the time or energy, due to DH being an energy sucking vampire, to look at  your career options, but I guarantee you have options. You just have to put all that energy into YOU, not him. NOT the Skids. Just do it, and don't listen when he whines. He has no right to whine. He is a turd. 

Hang in there, Halo!  You are awesome!

halo1998's picture

and then I can reasses my life...it may or may not include DH.  Right now...I'm commited to working through this with him....and working on myself. So...we will see..

But damn I was pissed...so very pissed.

Merry's picture

Understandable. You carry the load, he has the secret fun. Damn. Did you tell him about this big trigger? He can share the emotional load. 

halo1998's picture

and I will say this.  He has come a very long way in dealing with this and other emotional things.  He listened to me and understood the why and how badly it affected and that things still affect me.  He "finally" is getting the idea that while things were difficult for him ....they were also difficult for me and I didn't have any support from anyone.  

You described it very clearly.....and I did steal your line to convey my feelings to him.

I carried the load and he had the secret fun.  Its a kick in the teeth. I know its not what is happening now, I'm pretty tramatized by the whole thing.

Merry's picture

Sister, you know I've been where you are. If I can ease your load even a little bit, I'm glad to.

Sounds like your DH was pretty supportive. That's huge. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Your DH is very lucky to have you considering his baggage and his .... ahem.... "transgressions". Granted, he's not going to turn into a saint who never does anything wrong. He will still have those off days where he makes you mad. That just him being human. I have the utmost respect for you - the strength it takes to forgive someone who cheated and to try to work through things. It can't be easy. I would definitely recommend sitting him down and saying "look I carried the load all these years while you climbed out of debt. Now it's time to turn over some of it to you. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I think I've earned this". I believe you said he has been trying harder to please you so hopefully he should have no problem with this and if he does? Who cares. 

halo1998's picture

and honestly I have some much more respect for those that decide to work through this. 

We have had these conversations.....and DH is aware that I'm tired of carrying the load.  My time is up....whether that be with him or with out him.  My time line is a year...2 tuition payments for DD.  

DH is wiling to carry the load at the point DD is done with school.  Right now he carries the load of paying for the condo we purchsed for the kids to live in.   At the point DD leaves for grad school in Scotland and SD graduates high school we will determine what to do with the condo and the house we live in.  At that point...it is the plan right now for DH to take over.  

Birchclimber's picture

Oh Halo.  I do believe you when you say that you are traumatized.  Just trusting him now must be a huge hurdle for you to overcome.  I hope that he proves to be worthy of all of your efforts.  You also have a right to be angry and have the occasional melt-down.  Your reactions and emotions are very justified.   Even the strongest of buildings turn to rubble after an earthquake.  On the Richter Scale of relationships, yours just sustained a pretty high score.  Take the time you need to "rebuild" yourself and don't be too hard on yourself when something does trigger you.  

"Right now...I'm committed to working through this with him....and working on myself." 

Make "yourself" the priority here.  Make sure that he understands exactly how egregious his behavior was.
 

halo1998's picture

since I put myself on the back burner for so many years.  I'm not willing to put up with much anymore..and I certainly not willing to keep quiet.

I'm working dealing with my co-dependancy and my people pleasing issues. I'm also figuing out what I want to do in the future...

 

thinkthrice's picture

I've ALWAYS been the breadwinner across three relationships.   I'm always almost shocked that there are women out there who rely financially on a man exclusively.

And I hear you about your DH being broke due to CS.  Chef had literally nothing but the shirt on his back yet he still fails to appreciate me.  He has expressed many times that I'm lucky to have him.   At which point I'm tempted to ask "for the impoverishment or the aggrevation?"

Now that I'm officially retired after almost 45 yrs straight of supporting men and/or other women's children, the dynamic is somewhat changed.   I'm still managing his business and the rentals.   I'm enjoying household duties such as cooking and grocery shopping that Chef had taken over while I had my main gig which too was terribly stressful albeit fairly well paying.   I had been doing "on call" for the past 15 yrs across two jobs and that can be exhausting!

Chef is now acting like the Lord of the manor... coming home and putting his feet up while I prep dinner, cleaning as I go (he never cleaned as he went leaving a huge mess usually) stoking the woodstove, etc.  I've always done all the laundry and 95% of the cleaning so I often think now HOW I got our all done! 

He has made it clear that he basically intends not to cook since I'm home now!  He cooked once since I retired and he went into a rotten mood which is weird since he usually loves to cook. 

Glad to see the end of the tunnel is coming up for you and you can reassess.  We still have 12.5 months to go before Chef's youngest turns 21 and the Girhippo is finally off the payroll.