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how did you let you're DH know?

notahappystepmom's picture

Submitted by notahappystepmom on Sat, 02/18/2012 - 9:01am

How did you all let your DH know that you won't take his any more crap because of his " guilty daddy" behaviour? (see my previous posts) I'm tired of having his disrespectful kids over for 3 out of 4 weeks of the month (having extra costs because of that!) and he still pays BM the fuyll CS. I feel as if i'm the babysitter for DH and BM's kids! I'd like to say something to DH to snap him out of it and realize what's going on.

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imthewife's picture

Submitted by imthewife on Sat, 02/18/2012 - 10:03am

I think you make an appointment with an attorney and have these current visitation percents refigured through the child support system in your state.

It sounds as though the extra time is not exactly whats in the CO?

Then you take the print out to your DH and tell him that unless the kids start going to mom you may file a motion.

I find it ridiculous that CS is going to someone who does not have their kids.

We had a BM that wanted every last second with her kid...so it was never a problem. She didn't interfere with our time, nor we with hers.

If it is now costing YOU extra money...then you need to do something about it. Most attorneys will do a free consult. Ask around...chances are someone knows somebody who may see you gratis for this one thing. It think it is worth it.

I went tot he attorney many times on my own simply because I was not going to deal with certain issues.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Sat, 02/18/2012 - 12:57pm

I think it all depends upon how previous discussion have been received by him?

Personally from experience if your man takes no notice of your reasonable requests regarding the finances (adjusting the CS because of the amount of time you have the skids is entirely sensible as is the fact you are pointing out you are feeling taken advantage of), promises things will change and or reacts badly to your broaching this subject - then all you are doing is wasting your breath and causing yourself undue stress is repeating yourself YET AGAIN! Why do it to yourself?

What do they say...the epitome of stupidity is to carry on the same course, time and again, expecting different results...this is what you are doing. I know because I did this too.

There is also a great reason why "action speaks louder than words" is so true, because at that point the other person HAS to take notice what you are saying because finally they are experiencing consequences for their ignorance of your needs (and as your partner thats their job, to meet some of your needs otherwise whats the point?).

So if you feel the absolute need to tell him enough, then do so ONE final time and tell your DH this calmly and pleasantly - regardless how badly he reacts or not - "DH I have asked you to consider me and our family when it comes to the CS BM receives. Its absolute craziness to continue pouring away money, that we havent got, to a woman that is spending it on herself. I refuse to fund HER lifestyle as that completely cancels out the point of CS. We needs that cash for the skids here and for US. I also am tired, its hard having expectations piled on top of you without being asked if that is ok and I feel like a glorified babysitter. So from now on I am splitting the bills, if you cant manage them because you refuse to man up and address the issue of the CS then I am afraid I am not supporting that poor decision anymore. I am not paying for things for the skids, why should I when we are doing so twice while their mother doesnt even do so once. I am also disengaging from the responsibility of your children on the weekends you continue to have them, even though we cant afford them. So I am not doing their laundry, picking up after them, doing homework with them or helping you out with them. You will have to look after them and be both parents now, because I am going to be otherwise engaged."

Then DO this, make plans on weekends, go out and have fun. Your OH needs to learn he has two choices 1) he can have his children on these weekends so long as he stops being a coward and adjusts the CS OR 2) he doesnt get to see them as much because he cant afford to pay for them TWICE.

Stop enabling his decisions for him, why make them easier and support them when you dont agree with them and have to endure the hardship of your OH's selfishness!

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Sat, 02/18/2012 - 5:15pm

i just completely disengaged. i stopped bitching about sd skipping school with fdh's approval oncer or twice a week, i stopped trying to get her to do things that at 16-17 she shouldn't have had to be told, like brush her teeth before bed and not drink pop or juice all the time with no water or milk, i stopped buying gifts for her, (because he would always say "i don't know if sd will like that" and she always had some comment to make and never thanked me), i just kept my mouth shut unless something affected my kids or me.

he didn't like being responsible for buying her stuff. suddenly anything i picked out would "be fine". too bad. i still didn't do it. after months of not listening to me about her skipping school, he waits until i've disengaged to ask me what i thought, even though i had been telling him for months what i thought. (i guess he sensed me not giving a shit anymore and wanted to pull me back in). i told him he knew what i would do if it was my kid, but he can do whatever he wants to, i don't care. how odd, that is the first time he made her ass go to school when she didn't want to. she didn't get a Christmas stocking in 09 because, even though i told him before we split up in the store to get what he wanted her to have for stuffers, he forgot and i had been done doing anything for her for over a year. not my problem.

i don't know if that's a common theme amongst these dads or not, but for fdh, he didn't step up until i stepped down. my opinion wasnt' wanted until i stopped giving it. my thoughtfulness was never appreciated, but it sure was missed when i quit doing stuff for her. f'g idiots.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Sun, 02/19/2012 - 8:41am

To his face, and with specific examples.

He doesn't like it, but tough shit... I don't like how his "guilty daddy" stuff encroaches on everyone else in this family.

In fact, just last night we had another revelation... my DS had a sporting event, 2 games back to back. He started the first game, but didn't play the 2nd game (2 kids share the same position).

I told my DH exactly what time the games were. And being that it was Saturday, it was his day to go get his kids.

Soooooooo. The game my son played was almost over when my DH and his kids show up. First thing I said, "What took you so long?" Instant pissed off look. Did I care? No. He promised my DS he'd be there to see him play. Wanna know what happened? His kids didn't really want to go to my DS's game, so tooled around and kept putting off what time they wanted DH to pick them up. And apparently DH was okay with that even though it meant he would miss my son's game.

It's still not resolved.