Update to the Trade Off

SO told me today that he is keeping nephew8 from Friday until Tuesday. SO is also working 12-hour night shifts that entire time. I told him i do not want to end up babysitting that whole time, and I don't want the kid at my house when i'm working. SO said that SS17 will be watching him. However, SS17 will be sleeping at my house due to their custody battle. I told him that SS17 needs to watch nephew8 at his house, and SO agreed.

I also brought up to SO that i see a pattern with him and both of his brothers. SO feels like he is this great guy, because he helps his brothers so much, but i see a dysfunctional mess and SO just has his role to play like everyone else.

SO has 2 brothers. One brother has 4 kids by 2 BMs, and the other has 2 kids by 2 BMs. About 10 years ago, one nephew by his older brother's BM1 started having problems with his mom, went to live with his dad, had problems with him, then moved in with SO for a few years. About 5 years ago, his other brother's oldest with his BM1 did the same. Last summer, his older brother's 2 girls with his BM2 came for what was supposed to be a 2-week visit. By the end of the summer, SO's brother was offering to pay SO child support to take custody of the girls.

I told SO i would not live with those 2 (violence leading to police being called, false sexual abuse allegations against their dad), so SO said no. I think if i hadn't been there to stop it, he would have taken them in. Now there is this nephew. SO's younger brother's son with his BM2. The cycle is repeating, and SO isn't even doing the work. SS17 is. The only child this hasn't happened with is SO's older brother's oldest. He is autistic and the mother lives off his disability.

This is some kind of dysfunctional cycle. I asked him last night if either of his brothers was capable of reproducing again, because this is a pattern. SO said "well at least i'm not like my brothers", like he wants some kind of recognition for being the family child care martyr. He was like that with BM2 as well, making a big deal about how he will "never turn away his children." SO also "rescued" his youngest from BM1 in a very dramatic way after they had an argument and she is now 21 with severe emotional problems. None of this "martyring" seems to have lead to any success, just more dysfunction.

I think this craziness goes much deeper than just needing to set limits with SO's BMs. Plus, none of SO's "rescuing" seems to even help, because by rescuing these kids from fighting with their parents, he allows them to escape rather than deal with their issues and almost all of them grow up to have major issues of their own. It's a compulsion and i think it will never end, and i'm not going to be SO's childcare workhorse so he can keep being the family martyr.

Rumplestiltskin's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

I do hope he's going to pay

I do hope he's going to pay SS17 for looking after his nephew for him...

He started giving him a

He started giving him a monthly allowance, because i told him SS17 does a lot of childcare and transport. I don't think it's fair to have him do so much.

Shouldn't the uncle pay him

Shouldn't the uncle pay him for watching his cousin?? Why is SO paying for his kid to watch him?

Yes, your SO has some kind of

Yes, your SO has some kind of martyr/hero thing going. It's fine to take in a stray niece or nephew here and there, but this is a pattern.

Good for you for pushing back on watching the nephew. Let BM bring "evidence" of SS17 being left unsupervised to court, they will think she's insane. Unless he's intellectually disabled or chronically suicidal, he's fine to be left alone and to babysit his cousin.

It's literally all of both of

It's literally all of both of his brothers' children, minus the one whose BM lives off his check.

But you are his childcare

But you are his childcare workhorse.

SS17 is staying in YOUR house due to SO's dysfuctional relationships with his family. You know if there is an issue over the weekend with Nephew that you'll be the one he leans on.

You are overcompensating for his inability to fix his own problems. You two don't live together, aren't engaged, and don't have mutual kids. The depth of conversations you two should be having are "where are we going for Valentine's Day?", not "hey, I'm manipulating you into taking on my responsibilities so I can look like the good guy without doing the work."

Yeah. SS17 will still be

Yeah. SS17 will still be sleeping here, but just going back to SO's house during the day to watch nephew8, whose parents will drop him off in the morning and pick him up at night.

There's more, too. I have problems with SS10 every time i try to take care of him alone. 2 days ago, SO picked up an extra shift and i had to get food for the kids. I told them i was going to a certain fast food place that i know they both like, and asked what each wanted. SS17 told me, but SS10 said no, he wanted a different place. SS17 wanted food from the initial place i picked. I had a lot of work to finish so i said i'm only going to one place. They both like food from each place. I said i would flip a coin to decide where to go. SS10's place lost, so i went amd picked up food that i know he likes. When i got back, SS10 had squirted barbecue sauce all over the floor. O asked him why he did that, and he said "you lied about the coin! It really landed on the place i wanted!" I told him i did not and would never lie to him, and next time i will just get something i know he likes and not make it a choice. Thay was my mistake. I did make him clean it up. I told SO about it and he didn't really do anything but say i will have to learn to assert my authority better with SS10. I then told him i'm not comfortable watching SS10 alone. He has made false CPS allegations against my SO before and i'm not putting myself at risk. It's been a lot and i know i need to just step back. The

I too wonder why you take on

I too wonder why you take on so much of his burden for him. I know this is the worst time ever to suggest this, but if he can't watch SS10, he needs to either send him to BM's or have SS17 or someone else watch him. This is not your job. AND that would be the last time I got any takeout for SS10. He can have a peanut butter sandwich.

Yeah. I'm so over it. Every

Yeah. I'm so over it. Every time i'm reaponsible for SS10 and he doesn't get exactly what he wants, there is a huge issue.

I guess my point in this os

I guess my point in this os that they are not easy kids to even watch (minus ss17.) I don't mind helping with him, but i don't think i can separate it. I can't just help with him, but not the other son and al the neices/nephews. If i were just responsible for ss17, i could deal with that, but SO keeps adding more, and probably always will.