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I just need to talk for a minute (or 20)

Sassy's picture

I should have no real complaints these days...really. My first marriage was horrible!!! My husband abused the crap out of me, drugged me, taped me while I was drugged and finally OD'd in a bathtub where i could not save him. His ex-wife was Satan herself-I am not joking. She would tell the kids I was a whore, attack me physically and verbally in front of all the kids and even tried to belittle MY son once. She would come to my house when I was at work and talk smack while my hubby was on the ohone with me. I could always hear her in the background at my house. After he died I found out they were sleeping together and he had anothe mistress while we were married-a real gem I know. So when he died it broke my heart, but it also set me free.

Enter hubby number two. he is wonderful, fabulous absolutely nothing bad I could ever say about him. Poor thing-his ex cheated on him numerous times and he finally left her. I am so damaged by the seven years of torture and he was damaged by his undying loyalty. We were made for each other. Our life together is beautiful and wonderful.

One problem, and I do think it is my problem. I have so much hate (actual hate) pent of from the past ex wife, I can't get past it with this one. She is a tramp and she did abandon her kids, but she is not abusive to me and I am happy to raise her children. I wish she would help financially but whatever. I have them all the time now. She visits on weekends when its convenient for her....whatever. We will claim all of the kids this year (as we should have been doing the last few years) so i should feel better right? I still have this hate and jealousy toward her. I know she's a filthy pig (you cant stand to smell her house more than a minute) but why does she get a maid and I don't. i have 4 boys here and she just has her and her hubby. Why do I kill myself paying bills and buying EVERYTHING for these kids when she spends thousands on herself for clothes and shoes? I am struggling just to take em to a movie or dinner and she has tons of money. She could easily take them to a nice place when she sees them, but no, they get McDonlds instead. Then I feel bad and try to take them out once in a while. I hate her for having money she should be using on her kids. I hate her for having a housekeeper I so desperately need. I really really hate her for leaving her children in the wilderness like a lame wolf mother. Then there is the harder side of things. We set punishments for the kids, all fair, all different based on what each child can do. She immediately gives all their stuff back at her house then has the nerve to call and try to get us to do the same. We tried to explain that we have rules and cnsequences to teach these children values, but she doesn't care-she doesn't like it. Whatever-I think my rant is done for now but thanks for listening...I should be happy right? I have a wonderful hubby-all my beautiful kids full time now and a great life. I just wish their mother cared more about them. I can see the hurt in their faces and it kills me. I guess she's done-she thinks her job her as parent is over.

Comments

ExCoolMom's picture

But I think that you are the best thing that has happened to these kids and they are very fortunate that they have you in their lives! Don't feel bad, yes kids are extremely materialistic! but when it comes to cruch time, who is there to comfort them? Who tucks them in at night?, who is the stable one in their lives? Certainly not the BioMom! You should pat yourself on the back just for being prepared to take on such a huge responsibility. It's not easy, I know. But hang in there. Kids need much, much more than money, fancy meals etc etc. They need time...your time and your understanding and love. If she wants to give up on being a parent...let her. She will forever regret it. Keep the faith and hang in there!

The Principlist's picture

Our situations are similar as in that we are raising another woman's children. My BM actually behaves as if she is the fun aunt and I am the mom. She rarely wants to take the time for them and feels that she can only spend time with them when she has money. :shocked: Yes, money is the basis of their relationship. You can always tell when she is BROKE because she is quiet as a church mouse. No see or hear from her as she is afraid they may GASP! want to see her. I totally understand the fast food crap. Mine will not take ours to a restaurant either. It's okay though as DH and I make it a point to do dinner out on Fridays with the family and some days it is casual dining and some days it is NICE restaurant. Thing is we do what we can when we can and don't let the rest stress us. It is better for a kid to have love over THINGS. They've got that with you.

I am sorry for the abuse you suffered in your first marriage. You have got to let it go and maybe even forgive the wretch of the ExBM. It will do wonders for your soul and relationships. I assure you that even without a past like yours with a BM you would more than likely STILL have some hard feelings for BM. Especially when looking at the unfairness to her kids. BUT the sad truth is that the only thing that you can do is be a mom to the kids because they deserve it. Don't worry about the BM and what she is or isn't doing when the kids are with her as YOU can't control that. If she is not abusing them...let it be. They will eventually grow up and SEE who is doing for them.

As far as the punishments. KEEP doing what you are doing. It will not be easy and before long you will be placed in the dreadful "hated evil SM" category but I would not change it. I've been a member of that club for a long time now and am finally ok most days with wearing the TSHIRT. If it makes me mean and evil by expecting my kids to have consequences and boundaries and respect...so be it. BM can give back whatever she wishes at her house but what she can't do is make you do the same at yours. Clearly there will be two sets of rules one for your house and one for hers. DH and you should sit down with the kids and go over the rules and expectations and explain how things will play out. If I ground SS and he decides to go visit with BM to get out of said punishment (or as I say...HOUSE ARREST) then when he RETURNS...he finishes his sentence. No ifs, ands or butts about it. THere is no running from it. I can tell you that with me doing that he no longer tries to circumvent and manipulate the punishment. He sucks it up, does his time and works at not landing there again.

Give yourself a break and FORGET about the BM. Don't allow her influence in your home and make it known!

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P