Joining the update train.......long
As some of you know, H and were separated during 2014. Mostly due to his continued habit of making decisions that affect me, without including me or despite my objections.
We spent 2014 in long distance marriage counseling. I visited twice in Hawaii to discuss matters and for face to face counseling. Then it came time to make a decision and I decided to move and join H in Hawaii.
We continued counseling throughout 2015. Then it happened again, H made another decision (a financial one) despite my objections. We nearly split up again but our counselor helped us work through it. Or so I thought.
What really happened; I caved again to keep the peace. But I can’t do that anymore.
In October, I sat H down to discuss two things. Our budget and the financial drain his kid’s car/insurance has been on our finances. She had been late every, single month with her payments to us. Then she started ignoring my texts and only responding to H.
I explained to H that enough is enough. He only agreed to pay for half of her expenses if she was in school (college). She kept stringing him along, saying she was looking into college, but never really doing anything about it.
I said it’s time to cut her off, that we can't afford this expense any longer. You should have done it last year. He reluctantly agreed, but he did agree. I said good, let’s call her and explain starting in December, she’s responsible for her expenses. He wanted to wait until the New Year. I asked him why? He responded that she may need money for Christmas and we shouldn’t spring it on her that time of year (keep in mind; we were discussing this at the beginning of October).
Seriously?? I said H, she is a grown up and we could use the money. It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, you will always find an excuse.
So he called her and explained starting in December, she would have to take on her own expenses for the car. The timing gave her around forty-five days to deal with her insurance and change the auto-pay on the car to her own checking account.
She waited until the very last moment to deal with the insurance, to the point the payment was deducted (and then reversed) from our checking account. I. Was. Pissed.
I asked him several times and texted her as well…..Did she take care of the car payment too?
H told me to lay off, he’d take care of it.
A few days before Christmas, I logged into our checking account and what did I find? Her car loan was still on auto-pay and deducted from our account. I texted both skid and H and said get to the post office now and put a check in the mail.
She ignored my text and H got pissy with me and said I was too harsh with her?? WTF H? What are you going to do about it? He said he wanted to talk to her to find out her side of the story. Her side?? What possible side could she have?? Again, what are you going to do about this? And it better be harsh or she’s going to continue this bulls**t.
He waited until the 24th, called her, wished her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Chatted about her trip to Disneyland with her mother and siblings (not H’s kids) and then nonchalantly mentioned she needs to change the car payment to her own account. To which she replied her BF has a friend (or cousin) that works for the bank, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Oh and that she "forgot" to change it in the first place.
(side note....no apology from her)
He then says “Oh and drop a check for the car payment in the mail to us when you get a chance.”
A chance??? A f**cking chance?? Son of a bitch!
I turned around and said, loud enough for the both of the idiots to hear “NO. NOT WHEN SHE GETS A CHANCE. NOW. TODAY. SHAG ASS TO THE F**KING POST OFFICE AND PUT A F**KING CHECK IN THE MAIL.”
As of today, January 14th, no check has shown up. H has not done anything about it. In my opinion, inaction is a decision. I told both H and the counselor I am done with this crap and if it doesn’t change, then I’m out.
The crap on this particular cracker is twofold. One…I’ve been out of work since I moved here for health reasons. I have been on extended sabbatical and taking online courses to change careers (former was too stressful). Now plans have changed and I'm job hunting and will get through school so I can establish myself financially once again. Two…I moved my incredibly stupid ass all the way to Hawaii and away from my support system. While I love it here, I’m debating if it’s wise for me to stay on island or move back to the mainland.
That’s it in a long winded nutshell. I’m so frustrated with myself for putting up with H’s crap for this long. I can only blame him to a point but the real responsibility lies with my need to be successful and not wanting to give up. It’s time for me to own up to the fact, I can do no more and failing at this doesn’t mean I’m a failure. But man….it sure feels like it right now.
I saw a meme last week that fits my situation perfectly.
What’s hardest for a woman isn’t losing him. It’s forgiving herself for falling in love with his potential, knowing damn well she saw the warning signs and his inconsistency.