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Joining the update train.......long

Shaman29's picture

As some of you know, H and were separated during 2014. Mostly due to his continued habit of making decisions that affect me, without including me or despite my objections.

We spent 2014 in long distance marriage counseling. I visited twice in Hawaii to discuss matters and for face to face counseling. Then it came time to make a decision and I decided to move and join H in Hawaii.

We continued counseling throughout 2015. Then it happened again, H made another decision (a financial one) despite my objections. We nearly split up again but our counselor helped us work through it. Or so I thought.

What really happened; I caved again to keep the peace. But I can’t do that anymore.
In October, I sat H down to discuss two things. Our budget and the financial drain his kid’s car/insurance has been on our finances. She had been late every, single month with her payments to us. Then she started ignoring my texts and only responding to H.

I explained to H that enough is enough. He only agreed to pay for half of her expenses if she was in school (college). She kept stringing him along, saying she was looking into college, but never really doing anything about it.

I said it’s time to cut her off, that we can't afford this expense any longer. You should have done it last year. He reluctantly agreed, but he did agree. I said good, let’s call her and explain starting in December, she’s responsible for her expenses. He wanted to wait until the New Year. I asked him why? He responded that she may need money for Christmas and we shouldn’t spring it on her that time of year (keep in mind; we were discussing this at the beginning of October).

Seriously?? I said H, she is a grown up and we could use the money. It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, you will always find an excuse.

So he called her and explained starting in December, she would have to take on her own expenses for the car. The timing gave her around forty-five days to deal with her insurance and change the auto-pay on the car to her own checking account.

She waited until the very last moment to deal with the insurance, to the point the payment was deducted (and then reversed) from our checking account. I. Was. Pissed.

I asked him several times and texted her as well…..Did she take care of the car payment too?

H told me to lay off, he’d take care of it.

A few days before Christmas, I logged into our checking account and what did I find? Her car loan was still on auto-pay and deducted from our account. I texted both skid and H and said get to the post office now and put a check in the mail.

She ignored my text and H got pissy with me and said I was too harsh with her?? WTF H? What are you going to do about it? He said he wanted to talk to her to find out her side of the story. Her side?? What possible side could she have?? Again, what are you going to do about this? And it better be harsh or she’s going to continue this bulls**t.

He waited until the 24th, called her, wished her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Chatted about her trip to Disneyland with her mother and siblings (not H’s kids) and then nonchalantly mentioned she needs to change the car payment to her own account. To which she replied her BF has a friend (or cousin) that works for the bank, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Oh and that she "forgot" to change it in the first place.

(side apology from her)

He then says “Oh and drop a check for the car payment in the mail to us when you get a chance.”

A chance??? A f**cking chance?? Son of a bitch!

I turned around and said, loud enough for the both of the idiots to hear “NO. NOT WHEN SHE GETS A CHANCE. NOW. TODAY. SHAG ASS TO THE F**KING POST OFFICE AND PUT A F**KING CHECK IN THE MAIL.”

As of today, January 14th, no check has shown up. H has not done anything about it. In my opinion, inaction is a decision. I told both H and the counselor I am done with this crap and if it doesn’t change, then I’m out.

The crap on this particular cracker is twofold. One…I’ve been out of work since I moved here for health reasons. I have been on extended sabbatical and taking online courses to change careers (former was too stressful). Now plans have changed and I'm job hunting and will get through school so I can establish myself financially once again. Two…I moved my incredibly stupid ass all the way to Hawaii and away from my support system. While I love it here, I’m debating if it’s wise for me to stay on island or move back to the mainland.

That’s it in a long winded nutshell. I’m so frustrated with myself for putting up with H’s crap for this long. I can only blame him to a point but the real responsibility lies with my need to be successful and not wanting to give up. It’s time for me to own up to the fact, I can do no more and failing at this doesn’t mean I’m a failure. But man….it sure feels like it right now.

I saw a meme last week that fits my situation perfectly.

What’s hardest for a woman isn’t losing him. It’s forgiving herself for falling in love with his potential, knowing damn well she saw the warning signs and his inconsistency.


Shaman29's picture

She's twenty.

They had an agreement on the car. He would pay for car and insurance through summer after her senior year in HS. Then he'd pay for half of it as long as she was went to college. When she didn't enroll after HS, he said....well...I'll pay until the end of the year.

The end of the year came, she claimed to be "looking into" classes but nothing came of it. At the first of the year I said....okay....seriously?

So what did he do? Told her he'd pay half and she would send us a check for the other half. Didn't make her payment in January. Set up payments for every month, including a part of the January payment. Was late every freaking month.

Now she's dropped the ball again. He's allowing it and I'm done.

Thank you Lady. I appreciate your kind words.

Shaman29's picture

Thank you. Echo told me the same thing the other day.

I'm trying not to go down the beat myself up road. More analytical so I can pinpoint my own mistakes, my own error in judgement and my own responsibility in this mess.

There have been times when I was not clear with him. There have been times where I did not practice what I have been preaching (regarding my boundaries and the consequences for breaching them).

I know I've changed over the last nine years. That part is not his fault. But what sucks is his inability to accept those changes in me.

Shaman29's picture

As always when I come to a crossroads in my life, I look back to see where I went wrong with my decision making.

I seem to have an MO when it comes to this very thing. Looking at the potential in my partners, rather than at who they truly are showing themselves to be.

I will not make that mistake again.

Actually, the thought of getting involved with someone after this is over is giving me hives.

thinkthrice's picture

"The thought of getting involved with someone again is giving me hives"

Damn straight! NEVER AGAIN. I personally have been fooled three times.

DPW's picture

Sorry you're having health issues - that's tough.

I don't even know what to say about your DH. The level of disrespect for your marriage and the recent extra effort to make it work astounds me.

Shaman29's picture

Thank you DPW.

I'm doing everything I can to get stronger. The emotions I'm feeling right now are holding me back a bit, as it's mostly stress related.

I've always had a lot of patience for people, but he has empty my well.

Now it's time to get back on my feet physically, mentally and financially.

In fact, today I had a headhunter contact me and I applied for a job locally.

notasm3's picture

It's not really about the car payment. It's the fact that your DH consistently lies to you. He'll say anything to placate you - knowing full well that he has no intention of following through.

I could not be married to a man who tells me bald faced lies to my face over and over again.

Shaman29's picture

notansm3....nail, meet head.

That is exactly it. And would have made for a much shorter blog!!!

Shaman29's picture

My name isn't anywhere on the loan. It was taken out at the beginning of our separation, without my knowledge.

The loan is in H's and skid's names only.

While we now have a joint account, I do not have any legal say in the loan itself.

Shaman29's picture

Sueu2 - "Calm yourself because there's really nothing else you can do at the moment since you're in no position to leave. Just continue to get yourself together so you CAN leave later. See him for what he is, rather than what you wish he could be, and decide if you can live with that. If not, you'll be working toward financial independence and your freedom.

This is where I am at right now.

I'm getting my ducks in a row by getting a job and gaining financial independence again. It will be nice to have my own money again. I have been going without on a lot of things because I've felt guilty about spending his money. Which is weird when I think about all the money he's spent on his kid in the last year.

Regardless, thank you for your thoughts. I have been seeing him as he is for a while now and I already decided I cannot live with him any longer.

Adinah's picture

Don't be hard on yourself. You gave it another shot so now there are no regrets.
You have a lot on your plate right now with job hunting and being so far away from your support system.
Focus on you and get back on your feet. SD is an adult and needs to learn consequences for normal life stuff like paying a bill on time. She'll get nowhere with bio parents who keep doing everything and making excuses for her.
Best of luck to you.

Shaman29's picture

Thank you! I powered through worse than this in the past, I can do it again now.

And you're right. I can't do anything about H's kid. Her parents have done nothing for her to function as an independent adult. But that isn't my problem.

Shaman29's picture

Sally - H was the only one really excited about moving here. I moved to save our marriage. Sigh.....

You're sort of right, H kept making noises about his kid moving to Oahu (we're on the Big Island) for school. Which is now a moot point as she's not interested in it at all.

I'll take the hugs! Smile