I don't have any bio children but there is no way I would let them go if I did. I don't think that biomom's house is safe and the adults there don't supervise the kids very well.
I wouldn't even allow biomom to take care of my dog(she is like my baby)!!

Dawn

One time my son did go inside her house for about five minutes to see his brother's room while we were there to pick the kids up for the weekend and it made me very uncomfortable. For one thing, they enjoy a much higher standard of living than we do - new car every other year, country club membership, name brand clothing, every toy in existence, etc. - and it was a downer for my son to see how much his brother has compared to how little he had. He couldn't understand, since they are brothers and supposed to be "equal." Also, I know that the ex's husband has been arrested several times for assaulting her (choked her in front of the kids once) and is a drug/alcohol abuser who has been in and out of rehab. The ex has adult ADD, so she can barely concentrate on taking care of herself, let alone an extra kid. No, I don't think it's a good idea. I wouldn't let either of my kids go. Now if the ex invited my kids to a birthday party or something - like THAT would ever happen! - and it was at a neutral location, like Chuck E. Cheese or something, I'd certainly have no problems taking them to that. But my kids aren't going to visit her home unsupervised by me or my husband and since neither one of us will set foot inside her house, it's just not going to happen. I am a huge believer in setting boundaries and two of those boundaries are the threshold to my house and the threshold to hers.

~ Anne ~

but bm surrounds herself with pretty questionable people..and doesn't supervise children too well. So my answer would be no. Like Anne stated, if there were a bday party in a neutral location, that would be another story. I would go, take my son, and leave at the end no problem.

Bm does love children, she likes to hold my son and hug him and kiss him, and I love that, she does love children when they aren't work, but she is irresponsible and a superflake, and as a responsible parent, I just couldn't send my son over there without myself or dh.

It's so sad, but I could never ever ever let my daughter go to BM's house to see her big sister. I shudder at the thought. She can NOT be trusted. She is so vindictive, I'd be afraid she'd poison her or something. I'm not even exaggerating!

SD even brought this up to me once. She said she was thinking about the future and that she was sad that her little sister would never know her mom. (Interestingly, my daughter bursts into tears in BM's presence. What a great judge of character! I believe this is what brought on SD thinking about this because my daughter has started to be uncomfortable around most strangers.) Anyway, SD really wishes she could have her baby sister over for play dates, show her her room, let her get to know her mom...

SD wants so badly for everyone to be friends and get along. It is her dream that we all live in a twin (a duplex), with one of her families living on one side of the house and the other on the other side, with her bedroom connected to both sides. We fantasize about it together and I never say that her mother's a lunatic and it could never happen, I just go along with her happy fantasy. It was SD herself who eventually said "it could never happen. Mommy would -- well, it just could never happen."

I have a feeling she shared that same dream with her mom and her mom trashed the idea. Would it kill her to just PRETEND she doesn't hate us in front of SD? I do it for her!

In a perfect world, I would love to send my children to see their older siblings at the BM's house. That is, if we were dealing with a reasonable rational loving mentally stable human being.

(I guess in a perfect world, there wouldn't be divorces and exes and stepkids, but you catch my drift!)

I wouldn't be very comfortable with it, but if both of us (me and hubby) went with our children then I wouldn't oppose it. Knowing the BM though,
I don't think she'd want to even see our kids, so she probably wouldn't let them in.

I am in that situation times two.

My husband had two children, and I had two when we got married; in the beginning, I let mine go over to the step siblings when they wanted/were invited...BEFORE I understood how psycho BM is.

That stopped....except for 'nuetral location' events, but one of us, usually stays; although, there have been a couple of exceptions (I was very uneasy, and swore never to do it again, both times)
IE: My 16 year old daughter (very mature/responsible for her age) went to 11 yr. old SD's B-day sleepover-didn't worry at all- she knows exactly 'what's up' (in fact, enjoyed the 'inside info.' I got when she came home-like what a jerk my husband's ex's 4th husband is!)
HOWEVER, with all of that said and done, introduce mine and my husband's 5 year old we had together into the picture...HELL NO!
He will never (over my dead body) be alone with that crazy woman.
He can spend the time with his bro and sis at our home/with us!
Aloha, MJ

How about this.

DH and I had planned our annual camping trip for the summer, and BM- out of the blue- invited HER new SS to come on OUR trip, as if because her son was going, his SB should go to! EXCUSE ME?!?!? Boy did we have to do some explaining on that... I mean, talk about back peddling. I was furious that she even gave it a thought, and just popped out with it to the boys, matter of fact while SS was at her house... WITHOUT even asking us FIRST! Now, if we had gotten to know this child, we might have considered offering since we know that none of her children ever get the oppertunity to experience that. (But we wouldn't invite her two youngest...just the oldest because we know that SS and he get along.)

Okay, I have read the posts here and I don't know. I for one, see something that is a little biased, but you are talking about your own children. It seems okay for us to have other children in our home, but when it comes to reversing that, seems to be a double standard. Granted alot of issues are involved with personalities, mental states, etc. We all have alot of experiences with 'psycho/lunic' BM's, but think how they think about us... it's just the same. lol.

I don't know what I would do. I was pretty upset about the little stunt she pulled this summer. I suppose I won't.

I think she was totally out of line to invite the kid, she should have waited for you to offer. If you didn't offer, she could have suggested it to you first, offering to pay for the kid's expenses, but before she mentioned it to the kids. She was totally in the wrong to do this. But think about it this way... if your son wanted to invite a friend from school to go, would you have let him? If so, then maybe it would be okay to have this other kid go, too. But I would let her know that next time she needs to talk to you FIRST, before talking to the kids.

~ Anne ~

Honestly, I'm not sure....

Daughter came home from the weekend and was very excited to show me sketchs that she & GF had worked on together...

I'm glad that they are getting along. I've worked towards that because of my own nasty experiences in the step-family world. But there was a tinge of 'something else' mixed in there too... Maybe seeing her move closer to this woman made me feel threatened on some primitive level.

It doesn't make any sense...and it was a 'fleeting' feeling that quickly passed....

Are bio-moms hard-wired to react that way.....? Because she isn't a threat.in any way.I know that logically. It kind of surprised me.

hhhhmmmmm Very good question..!! I'd be interested in hearing othre comments as well.....

PS

Just to clarify...I think it's better for the kids to be close than to have ambiguity or animosity towards the step-parents..and I do encourage that..regardless of any discomfort..I may experience from time to time...as their relationship grows...

I'm still kind of surprised......that I would feel that 'tinge'...I don't know where it came from. I didn't expect it...that's why I answered 'not sure'.. I know it's best for the kids so I'll 'suck it up' 'deal with it' and 'move on'...if it happens again....

When I was married to my ex he had a previous marriage and son. And although things were very rocky with his ex and I in the beginning. After I gave birth to my daughter things got really cool with her and I. We would all drive to her house for sons birthday party at her house. My kids have stayed with her and things were very good. They have always considered her family and she has them. I even stayed the weekend with her and we went shopping and stuff together.. It was always very good for the kids. All involved. She was a very clean person and really does love my kids. And to this day my ex-ss loves me and talkes to me and visits with me.. But I agree the circumstances have to be good all around.
Now that me and my husbands ex are on a good level, if my SD wanted my daughter to stay over there I would let her. It only teaches my daughter to be comfortable with situations. Maybe I would hold off for awhile to make sure that things stay good.. but yeah in the future if things continue yes..