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How can I be more understanding?

stepmom92's picture

So me and my husband coparent great with my husbands ex wife and her husband. Her and her husband have a one year old together that me and my husband have watched. Some days it’s with just him and some days it’s both of us. When we are together it seems like she wants to be around him more than me. She is around me a lot though and has wanted me to pick her up but it’s more with him I feel like. Like I was waving at her and she looked at my husband and waved at him. She waves at me some too but not like him. She’s seen him with the kids and how he is with them. How can I be more understanding?

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advice.only2's picture

I hope some day you can find your Dorothy who can help you on this yellow brick road and who can help you find the answers to your many many many many many many questions.

Evil4's picture

Do you and your DH really co-parent "great" with BM and her DH? Personally I would not tolerate such closeness to the point that my DH and I would watch BM's brat. I don't care what excuse there is such as, "well it's SD's bio sibling" or "it's for the sake of the brats" etc. That is way too much enmeshment for me. In fact, early in my marriage I had a come to Jesus meeting with my DH that it's either BM or it's me. He cannot have both. 

Why do you think you're the one who has to be more understanding? Is your DH gaslighting you when you mention that there's too much closeness between you, your DH and his ex and her DH? Who put the onus entirely on you to like it or lump it?

I've commented on your previous blogs and I say this with concern in my heart. It's not criticism. It's concern. Please go to therapy. No one has to know. You don't have to tell your DH. You second-guess every little nuance and you seem to feel like you come a distant last place to everyone. Please go for counselling. You can start to feel better soon. I know because I've been there, done that. Your continuous second-guessing is causing you to constantly replay the tapes in your head about you being excluded or inferior. You need new programming. Your life can be different. You do not have to continue liking it or lumping it. Given that you and your DH actually watch BM's child with her DH, no wonder you remain insecure and keep second-guessing yourself. There is no amount of mental gymnastics that can make it OK for you to just bend over and take it. In therapy you can learn that you are 50% of your marital equation and you have every right to speak to your needs and have them met. 

Winterglow's picture

" such closeness to the point that my DH and I would watch BM's brat"

They even go on vacation together ... I really don't think OP is nearly as happy with the situation as she wants us to believe, starting with how she always tells us how wonderfully they all co-parent. Coparenting doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip with your ex.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I don't think this is an understanding situation. IF that's triggering you. Maybe this is a too close situation and it's time for you and your DH to take a step back?  it's a kid, you can't control it, so maybe it's stirring up jealousy and other feelings that would best be controlled by removing yourselves form the situation. Just a thought.

IDontCare3117's picture

Bot.

IDontCare3117's picture

The repeated bizarre (similar or identical) questions, and the OP never responding are huge hints.  

Tried out's picture

Would you be happier if you didn't have to have BM shoved down your throat all the time? If you didn't have to do this weirdly enmeshed "co-parenting" crap? 

Mamabearof3's picture

You and your husbands marriage with eachother just you two comes first. Then his relationship with his kids. Then your relationship with his kids. Then his ability to communicate with his ex. They shouldn't have a relationship. Period.  Make your DH prioritize you. You obviously are not happy.