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Should this bother me?

stepmom92's picture

We are going on vacation and are currently packing. DH pulls out 2 suitcases and said he was gonna ask BM if she wanted one because they both bought it a while back. I'm using one with him. Should this bother me?? 

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Mamabearof3's picture

That's kind of odd. But you said you guys are all friends and that's odd to me too so idek lol. 

Findthemiddle's picture

No- you said I have no problem with the shared vacation and all the other shared stuff- a suitcase shouldn't bother you at this point.

Rags's picture

My give a shit regarding my XW ended when that cavern crotched adulterous skank whore moved out of our marital home knocked up with her Fortune 500 executive geriatric sugar/baby daddy's oowl spawn.

Once she and her father pulled away from the house with her crap I had the locks re-keyed focused on getting g the divorce finalized.  I have never let her have any space in my head or my future after she left.

Luggage? Really?

OKtoStep's picture

He's making you use half a suitcase for your stuff because he wants to offer his EX WIFE resources from your marital home? 
Girl, that second suitcase would be so full of my stuff he'd be paying a hefty overweight baggage fee. 
 

But no, it shouldn't bother you. For as much second guessing and double checking and overthinking you have to do in this relationship, it might be worth it just to stay home from the vacation and pack your stuff to move out. Or, pack his stuff and leave it on the porch. I'm not sure what your housing situation is. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're not really friends with BM and her DH. Your DH might be. They might be friends with you. But the amount of second-guessing, and only with BM, clearly shows to me that you tolerate her to make sure she doesn't blow up your relationship with your DH.

I'm not sure if your fears are valid or not. As much as people go scorched earth on here with exes, you'd think it's the only way. But it's not. Exes can be friends and co-parents. They can have successful blended families that include the adults. It is RARE that it truly happens and people aren't just "playing nice" for the sake of the kids, but it can definitely happen if a couple split amicably, have boundaries, and want to remain friends. If they couple with someone new, that person ALSO has to genuinely want to be friends with the ex AND have set boundaries.

I'm getting the impression that you were dragged into this even though you didn't want to, and you're losing steam to keep up the facade that you're okay with this. I also think you're jealous of BM - because she got to have DH's first kids? Because you think she's more attractive? Because she has so much history with your DH that there are aspects of him she knows better than you do? And I think your DH is doesn't care that this situation impacts you poorly because "you knew this lifestyle was important to me when we started dating". It likely doesn't help that, by lying to him and yourself, he gets confused as to why you're behaving oddly about things.

Because loaning a suitcase to your friend that you're vacationing with isn't weird. Loaning a suitcase to your DH's ex who you're jealous of or concerned by because your DH makes being friends with her a dealbreaker in your marriage is weird as hell and should make anyone squeamish.

So, which is it? Is she a friend or a secret foe? If she is truly a friend, this is an odd reaction that you have to do soul-searching on. If she is a foe that you've wrapped in a friendship bow because you don't want to lose your DH, you also have a lot of soul-searching to do - but that has more to do with your marriage than your "friendship" with BM.

Tried out's picture

less than a philosophical question and more a practical one. You and DH have two suitcases, one of which you are currently packing with your stuff. He tells you that you're no longer going to have access to that suitcase because he's giving it to his ex. What are his plans for packing in the future? Buy another suitcase, thereby diverting your marital resources to his ex? Is she dirt poor and can't buy her own? Would he have you use plastic bags in lieu of a suitcase? I would be pissed, personally, because he is essentially saying her comfort is more important than yours. 

bundtcake1234's picture

I wouldn't even think twice about men are dumb and dumb stuff falls out of their mouths

Esperanza's picture

Well if you needed that suitcase and he chose to offer it to the ex instead of you then yeah, you can say "nah, I'm using it" or "sure I will buy myself a new one"

but if both of you didn't have any use for that spare suitcase (like you were planning on sharing one already because you are not taking much clothes or whatever) then I wouldn't mind at all 

but I have to say...it just so random, it's just a suitcase! I just wouldn't give it much thought at all 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You seem unsure of your feelings, or so unsure of yourself that you can't admit to your feelings. If you are asking, then it *does* bother you. You feel something or you don't. Do you really think you can change that depending on what you think others think you *should* feel? You can change your actions. You can try not to think about certain things and maybe distract yourself from dwelling on them. But - how can you live your life when you are constantly stressing about how what you feel may or may not be accepted by those around you?

Do you *really* want to be BFFs with BM? Go on vacation with her? Be married to a man who is close friends with his ex? It's ok if you don't want any of that. Or if you don't think the good parts of your relationship outweigh the shit sandwiches you have to swallow to remain in it. It would not make you a bad person. Only you can decide of this situation is right for you. It is ok if you don't like or want any of this.