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Struggling with SS(16)

Struggling1981's picture

Submitted by Struggling1981 on Mon, 01/13/2020 - 1:21pm

New to this so apologies if this isn't in the right place etc,

I'm a mum of 5 (2 grown up so 3 at home now ) and have been living with my OH 2 years but have known him over 20 , he has a on from his prior relationship who is 16 and has asd. We took it really slowly and were child led when it came to staying over etc due to SS having Asd, his mother ended the relationship with my Oh by having an affair however she is very very nasty to my Oh and makes access a massive stress. Last year she took an overdose and we had SS move in, he didn't like having rules so wanted to go back, tried everything even social services but due to.his age hands were.tied . She's now drinking daily and he is basically fending for himself but has a development age of around 10. Reported this to SS dozens of times but she hoodwinks them and although they acknowledged the issues, again the age of SS meant no action taken despite his needs I find this so shocking but the law is the law . On top of the issues around access his behaviour is making me want to just quit and run. The ex physically assaults my Oh when he collects , she has been verbally abusive to me him and my kids , he comes here and doesn't lift a finger and is beyond rude. He has an addiction to coca cola which sounds petty but the kid drinks 15 plus cans a day, he is also sly and stashes them in his bag and drinks more at night it's a serious addiction. My son also has autism and I work with sen kids and am 2/3 of the way through a degree in sen education so I get the correlation but this kid is greedy aswell he is at it 24/7. I cannot take the behaviour the rudeness the ignorance much longer he refuses to wash himself he refuses to move a muscle and my Oh will NOT discipline him as he feels that would make my SS not want to come over !!! When he's at home with mum he is online till 2 am he eats micro chips and only micro chips daily and has rotten teeth so toothache a lot. When he arrives he is always dirty never has clean clothes hasn't showered since was last at ours. He basically does whatever he likes and it's making my 3 resentful of him which is so sad as they had a cracking relationship but they feel like they're being treated unfairly as I have rules such as personal hygiene, limiting screen time and respect. Last straw ? Xmas day opening his gifts and he said how much have you spent on me Because my mum spent 800 pounds and there isn't 800 pounds here ?? I can't cope with my feelings of resentment tbh I'm not a bad person but I am feeling bad about being angry at his behaviour :((((

Comments

Struggling1981's picture

Submitted by Struggling1981 on Mon, 01/13/2020 - 4:02pm

So sorry yeah it's like a box of fries lol but only that is surely a bad bad thing !!! It's just so frustrating I've made massive inroads such as going to the hairdressers for the first time cutting toenails I threw his first birthday party ever when he was 16 he has had a weird upbringing my Oh always worked nights and slept all.day 6 days per week when he lived with his ex so I didn't grasp how little.interaction the kid had been having but I can't take the rudeness it's just so bad absolutely no respect for anyone :(((((

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Tue, 01/14/2020 - 10:22am

The ex physically assaults your H?  He needs to stay in the car during exchanges, videotape everything, call the police and press charges.

Where is the little cherub getting all that cola?  Stop buying it.  It's not good for anyone.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 01/14/2020 - 11:59am

I know this isnt much help but my SS19 is autistic and also has a soda addiction. It was hard to get control of for sure! I quit buying soda and only sparkling flavored seltzer water. He had more of an addiction to the bubbles than the soda. It worked for us, might be worth a try.

As for crazy BM. I have no words. Your hubs just needs to press charges for assault next time!

Struggling1981's picture

Submitted by Struggling1981 on Tue, 01/14/2020 - 1:56pm

See.i don't buy it at all because I think no would be adding to the problem so what he does is stash loads.of.it in his bag from home and brings it with him !!! I've said time and time again this is not appropriate !!! She the ex is nuts she's so strange it's unreal she does the weirdest things !!!! He is beyond rude if he hasn't got the coke he is a real pain but I'm willing to see it through Dh though will take him to see MIL and he will swing by the shops! I took him to my granddaughters party last week at one of those soft play centres and we got the kids pitchers of juice, he had stashed his Xmas money and took himself of repeatedly to buy coke when I was distracted by the baby in the end I left the greedy little @#$% to it my SIL was there his bio auntie and she saw and said I don't know how you cope he downs it like oxygen and the more I say why don't you try water he us increasingly rude to the point now where I don't wanna take him out to eat etc :((((  any suggestions for the whole stash of coke ??? He brings 3 bags for one set of pjs and a toothbrush so you can guess what else is in there !!

Struggling1981's picture

Submitted by Struggling1981 on Tue, 01/14/2020 - 2:05pm

Also any tips on dealing with Bm video calling SS while he's here ? Makes me so uncomfortable! I have a brother that's 20 also has autism and they get on okay so he videos him from home and guess what the BM takes then decide and starts trying to engage with my brother and mother she only called me a fat C**T the other week !!!! My mother ended the call and now I'm nasty apparently! I feel I'm protecting my vulnerable brother from a psychotic woman !

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 01/14/2020 - 2:16pm

If your SS brings the Cola home why doesn't his father go through his bag and get rid of it? Darlin' you must have the patience of a saint. I honestly don't know how you remain in this relationship with a man that has no back bone and can't parent for his life and a child that is that disrespectful. 

I'd be running for the hills. Life is too short to have to deal with this nonsense. With all that said you and H control what goes in and out your home. If your H is serious about his health he needs to regulate that soda addiction and not allow it in his home. 

Struggling1981's picture

Submitted by Struggling1981 on Tue, 01/14/2020 - 2:28pm

I had a long chat with him today about things because it's to the point I am dreading weekends! I am at uni so at the weekends I hide on my room and work which has made me very productive but now I'm.on a 2 week break from that so gotta find something else ! I love my DH I do but he's being emotionally blackmailed by this s&^t ! Xmas day (I posted this on another blog) SS opened his gifts and said how much was this because my mum spent 800 pounds and there isn't 800 pounds here! I worked so hard to make sure they all had the same and he was again rude at MIL house and said come ts to her but she tackles him ! She will only give money on bday and Xmas because of his ungrateful attitude!