Should I trust SD's new, better attitude? Would you?
A little background.
3 older skids: SD19, SS17, SD15. I've been in their lives for 8 years, married to their dad for 6 years this May.
I am fairly involved with the younger two skids who still come over EOWE. They are often annoying but basically good kids. The oldest SD has been pure evil since the day I met her 8 years ago and I have been fully disengaged for about the last four years. She quit coming over a year-and-a-half ago, and I see her very infrequently. She has struggled with an eating disorder, which makes me pity her. But she's also been cruel to her dad and her siblings, stand-offish to me and everyone else, haughty, proud, unkind, lazy, selfish, just awful.
Recently, though, she's started dropping by more for things that are going on over here. She came to our Christmas party and hugged me of her own free will...and then stayed until late and danced, which is something I've never seen her do. She came to Easter dinner. And, miracle of miracles, she came this past weekend to a huge work event I produced...a VIP cocktail hour and red-carpet film screening. She showed up, she looked nice, she talked to people instead of sulking in a corner and making everyone uncomfortable. She even posed for a picture...again, something I've never seen her do.
So, the question. I still don't like her and kind of inwardly grimace when I see her coming. But I was caught off-guard when flipping through the online photo gallery of this weekend and seeing her picture...and I found myself smiling and feeling happy for her. Should I trust this? The funny thing is...for 8 years DH, BM, MIL, FIL, et al have been excusing her horrible behavior as "a phase" and for 8 years I've inwardly rolled my eyes. Are they right? Is she finally coming out of it? Or is something else afoot?
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It's funny, I had a similar
It's funny, I had a similar convo with my marriage therapist this weekend about SS19. Her point was: 19 is adult, but still young. People change rapidly during these years.
My two cents: give your SD a chance. Forgive but don't forget. You don't need to be open and vulnerable with her, or even to trust her, just don't shut her out. Let her earn back your affections. Time will tell if shes had a true change of heart or not. You can afford to wait it out on the sidelines, while being cautiously optimistic.
The thing I notice are she is
The thing I notice are she is turning up to run events ...xmas Easter and your launch(well done on that btw!)
But you haven't seen her in a ho hum regular boring weekend situation
I would like to see that before I went throwing around chances I think myself
But if it is making you smile give a bit of lee way- as woke up a bug said forgive but not forget
THIS!!!!
THIS!!!!
Huh? There is a new boyfriend
Huh? There is a new boyfriend who seems like a really nice guy...very happy, social, cheerful. So maybe she is trying to shape up for him. If so, I can't say that's necessarily a bad thing. She checked herself into an outpatient eating disorder clinic and is trying to get that under control, which made DH very happy.
There have also been rumblings (according to her siblings) that her codependent BM is getting sick of the mess she made with this one and is trying to lay down the law...so either she's responding positively to that...or she's hoping to cozy up to us so she can move in...
lol. DH really likes the
lol. DH really likes the boyfriend but has expressed the pregnancy fear. Before I could stop myself / without thinking I said: "I highly doubt she can get pregnant." Referring to the eating disorder / her weight. I think it made him feel bad...but I also think it's true. I doubt she still has her cycle right now. Maybe if she keeps up with this treatment program, this could be a concern in a year...
Oh yeah...it's real. She's
Oh yeah...it's real. She's been in therapy since about 14 for this and has torn up her throat and stomach lining from all the barfing. She's passed out at school. She also went from a size 6 to a size 00 or smaller in less than a year...
She wore a bunch of layers to hide it for a while, but there comes a point when there's no hiding it anymore. I'm actually the one who brought it to her parents' attention. Bitch that I am...
I don't think people really
I don't think people really change, they just get better at hiding whatever it is they need to get further in life. Look out for things that might have encouraged her to change her public behavior: new boyfriend, new religious beliefs, friends, financial situations. It could really be anything. The others are also right, let her play her game if she isn't causing havoc.
Well...normally this would be
Well...normally this would be the kind of thing that she would completely turn her nose up at...roll her eyes. Ever since her dad and I started this business, she's rolled her eyes about it...called it his "career" in quotation marks. She's told him that he's not really a grown-up, just likes to play...mocked his work to his face...stuff I'm sure she got from her mom who was worried about her precious child support (Sidenote: we built an arts entrepreneurship business from scratch in five years and were never once late on CS. Even did extras like phones, 1 year of car insurance, hospital payments when YSD got Cancer...etc.)
If she came to any of our events in the past, it was because we made her go...and then she sulked darkly in a corner trying to ruin everything. It was nice to see her show up of her own free will...the event was an hour away from our house and she and her BF drove themselves up. I felt good for my DH. It was an even nicer surprise to find the pictures of them in the gallery.
So yeah. I still can't let the past go completely. She's only been seeming to come around for the last 4 months or so...
Some say that people don't
Some say that people don't change, and while that is true in some regards, people can certainly mature. She's 19, so she may very well be starting to grow up.
I would be optimistically cautious and still guarded; giving her a chance but not letting her take advantage, or letting her move in, if that is her end game.
Oh yea, give her a chance.
Oh yea, give her a chance. What could it hurt. People DO change during that period of life. A LOT.
I would still be a little leary of her, but it can't hurt to give her a try.
My suggestion is to just wait
My suggestion is to just wait and see. Be polite and pleasant to her if she is polite and pleasant to you and see how long this lasts.
My OSS18 has done a 180 just recently as well.
When I first met him 4 years ago, he and I got along immediately. Then a few months later a switch was flipped and he became the most horrible, obnoxious person I ever met.
He was rude, selfish and just horrible to me and DH. He stopped coming over 3 years ago.
Over the past 6 months he has done a total turn around. He started coming by to visit (And not asking for money) He has been polite and respectful and engages in conversation. I'm not going to say I am willing to let him come move in at this point, but I am enjoying the stress-free time around him.
It is even starting to help with our relationship with MSS. MSS sees OSS treating me with respect and kindness and MSS is starting to do the same. I think they were both being screwed up in the head by BM and her SO and now that OSS is older he can actually make his own decisions.