Oh what a tangled web we weave......
SS14 has been out of control since I've been with DH, as puberty hits it has gotten worse. We have holes in our walls, door torn off the hinges, beats the tar out of the 9yr old, was suspended from school last year 4 times for fighting. I have seen him get in DH's face and taunt him. So...DH had 1yr. to either get this kid help or send him to live with BM. Well...nothing was done and I did the 'ultimatum' of 'bring him back in this house and I am leaving'. I don't like ultimatums, it took a lot to get me to this point. I don't feel as though I have a choice though, the kid has violent tendencies, he is now 2" taller than I am and outweighs me by 30lbs. DH works 60+ hrs a week, and I don't feel as though he 'parents' him. It's more like he just wants some peace and quiet and won't deal with it.
DH decided to send him to BM's, SS14 refused to get in car. Gmother (DH mom) intervened and said she'd take him rather than see him go to BM 's. Poor DH is at his mom's w/SS14 and is getting pummeled with every guilt tactic that the two of them can come up with. 'Oh ur wife is more important than your own child' 'Let her leave, your son is #1' and so on and so forth. DH calls and says 'SS14 just wants to talk to you, he just wants another chance.' I said heck no, I'm not doing the guilt dance with your mother and SS14. I've already talked to SS14, I've listed my reasons for not wanting him in the house, another reason being that SS9 is starting to copy the disrespectful behaviors.
You know I have told DH that 'hey ur kids are first' I of course want you to respect my wishes, but I won't hate you if you don't.
I don't know it just gets so darned complicated.
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Just got another call from
Just got another call from DH, things have deteriorated to the point of 'are you picking your wife over your own blood?' They are really putting him through hell. Should I call and just say I'll leave? He sounds really bad.
Yeah, he's just like his BM,
Yeah, he's just like his BM, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Why should you leave?! I'd
Why should you leave?! I'd call him and tell him he should stay with 'his family' and that you thought you were 'family' but apparently not. So since you aren't family he should stay there that way he doesn't have to choose. When things calm down then tell him how unsafe you feel with ss around. Maybe make a rule that ss can only be over when he's there. Ss behavior sounds extremem even for a teenager. I would be scared too.
Aww....you mean my writing
Aww....you mean my writing isn't GRIPPING...darn, I was about to start my novel today.
Thank you. I did do
Thank you. I did do something similar to that, He has the names of the child psychiatrists (he manipulates therapists) in MIL's area, DH will call today to make an appt. He will unfortunately have to travel 1.5 hrs, but hey he could have done this in the past year, when I gave him the name of child psychiatrists in OUR area. DH was home Sat., and asked if we could write down a list of SS14's behaviors. I did that and ASKED him to wordsmith it (I tend to be extremely blunt)to make it easier for MIL to swallow. I do have to say that I almost laughed when I saw the comment you made "Make sure that when you are talking WITH (please note that talking WITH someone is very different that talking TO someone " I am afraid that I have 'talked with' DH for almost 4 years, I am no longer talking 'with' him. I am bluntly saying 'this is the way it is, I am sorry that you did not think enough of your marriage or your son to get him the help he needed'. So.....well hard ass that I am....let me get SS9 out of bed, make his lunch and register him for Day Camp this week......lol
Excuse me, but looks like the
Excuse me, but looks like the husband has ALREADY LOST HIS CHILD due to his lack of discipline.
But she is not the mother. If
But she is not the mother. If the FATHER refuses to discipline the kid, how is she supposed to do all this? And while this kid is learning to take responsibilty - there are other kids whose safety is an issue... I can just see how he will take out his frustration on them while DADDY has his back turned - and then defends him!
She hasn't got a hope of influencing this kid in anyway as long a his Father is being a complete wuss.
Personally I likes your
Personally I likes your ideas! I'll keep them in mind when my kids hit their teens. However it is different as a sm. Apparently her skid doesn't have respect for her or his own dad! And dad isn't awarenof how bad the situation is and isn't willing to do anything to fix the problem. So even if she did strip his room of everything except a mattress and fed him chicken, more than likely her dh will forbid that from happening. Even if he 'allows' it chances are he'll sneak that stuff back to his kid on day 1. That's her frustration, not being ae to control anything yet living in fear in your own home.
And you think that by SM
And you think that by SM laying down the law without her husband's support that this out-of-control teen will respect her or even listen? This SS14 has his BD and GM on his side, which is sad, but gives SS14 ALOT of power. It's a no win situation for SM until her husband joins her as a united front. There is no way I would be the ONLY person that lays down the law with this SKid.
Bio-Dad needs to put on his big boy pants and grow some to fill them up!
It's funny I look at the
It's funny I look at the debate here and I also see both sides of the coin. I don't know if I'm right, I don't know if I'm wrong. I do know that I can't live that way anymore. And Step you are totally right, when SS14 refused to go to BM's and DH allowed him to control that situation, and live w/ MIL I knew it was going to be all down hill from here. I actually do know MIL pretty well, and she was making demands on his time constantly before she had SS14, so this is going to be an all out circus. She has never wanted DH or his younger brother to remarry. His younger brother is much closer to MIL than DH is, so he's already facing divorce court. MIL's problem with younger brother's wife was that she wasn't home to take care of him...'what kind of a wife is that? She needs to be home for her husband' I'll tell you what, younger brother has had all kinds of health problems since getting married (just 2 yrs. ago!) just trying to balance MIL and wife. Wife lost. And I have told DH that I believed that younger brother's attachment to MIL was not a healthy one and that it ruined his marriage, DH agreed, so perhaps he'll be able to pick up on that.
I do have to make some concessions, after SS14 does get some psyc help, then yeah bring him home for visits, but only when DH is there to supervise. If he can make it through this school year without suspensions, beating anyone up, punching any holes in walls or tearing doors off hinges, then yes, let's try it again. I mean at some point I'm going to have to swallow some poo poo, I know that to. All I ever wanted was for DH to parent his children, and to get SS14 some psyc help. Unfortunately it took drastic measures to get him to do that.
The wedding....I could give a flying fig. Psycho boys kids...yeah well I'm sure they'll be lovely, hope DH enjoys them..
I now know that they are all
I now know that they are all crazy over at MIL's. Just got off the phone w/DH, he was there taking ANOTHER day off work to enroll SS14 in school, which started today. (school dosen't start here for 2 more weeks. When I spoke to DH in the early morning, he was dressed and taking SS14 to school. So...he just calls at about Noon, he tells me that he didn't get SS14 enrolled in school, I said did SS14 refuse to get up and go? He stammered a little bit and said no, that he needed to make phone calls to get SS14 a psych appt. I said well couldn't you do that while skid was in school? Then I got the 'Please honey I just need you to listen' Now MIL is having a meltdown and can't handle SS. Whaaaaat? Well then why did she take him? Please someone tell me WHY would you say 'I'll take SS, no, now that he's here I WON'T take SS' They are bananas.
Okay so here's the gist, after almost 2 weeks of me putting up with camp MIL, where SS is 1st supposed to go to BM's, but he refuses, so DH let's him get away with that. Now he's MIL's, now MIL has changed her mind, and SS has got to go. So now DH is on the phone pleading with me to let SS back in house. It'll be different this time. I promise I'll control him. He's really learned his lesson this time. My response: You have promised me it'll be different 20 times, exactley which time should I believe that the 2nd, the 20th or the 50th? You do not have any control, SS dosen't want to go to BM's, who controled that situation? You? Don't think so. I notice SS did not get enrolled in school? Who controlled that? You? So as far as different goes, the only difference I see is that instead of SS's little dog and pony show, whe now have a 3 ring circus, complete w/sideshow. SS has learned his lesson my ass. SS has just learned he has more power than he even dreamed possible. Muhh ha ha ha!
I just figured out why MIL had meltdown....I think when SS wouldn't get up and get dressed for school, she had a good preview of what her live would REALLY be like. Why would DH tell me at 7:30 that he was just waiting for SS to finish getting ready to enroll him, and then not enroll him? Nah...he refused to go..I'm speculating but I think I'm right.
I told DH at the end that he has now run out of choices, he screwed up the BM thing by not showing up (and trust me, we had to just about twist her arm to agree to it in the first place...like 1 1/2 times CS required) Now his mother won't take him, and honestly, as manipulating as she can be, she's also 80yrs old,, and can't take the stress of a teenage boy, I never thought it was a great idea. I told DH that this was his cross to bear, that he HAD to bring SS back.
Do I let him screw up AGAIN? Or do I leave? A big part of this has to do with SS9 (my 2 sons are actually grown and on their own), I've had SS9 since he was 5 and barely spoke any English (mother is Hungarian)I often feel as though I am his protector, I don't know if I can leave him in all this craziness, he's a good kid (even if he will hate me when he's 13) and SS14, literally beats the tar out of him, and taunts him. If I leave DH says he'll be here, but I know better, poor little guy will be taking a beating and DH won't answer his phone because he is in another meeting, it seems like he's always in a meeting. I don't know. HELP!!!!
Ha ha, 'pull a BM'. You are
Ha ha, 'pull a BM'. You are right BM actually did call the cops on him twice while he was there, apparently he did some decorating with her drywall also. SS14 is still w/MIL at least for this week, since he refused to go to school. I don't think DH has a choice, at least right now. My new train of thought is to get DH and SS14 a small furnished apt., at least for the next 3 months until he's tested and on some kind of program or meds. I am going to ask DH if he will leave SS9 w/me, and I'm more than sure he'll jump on it, that way SS9 is safe. I know it's not my problem, I just happen like the kid. BM is crazy, don't get me wrong, DH's family have him so guilted to the hilt there is no way he'll ship him off to BM, and SS14 says he'll kill himself if DH does. (which I know is bunk, but they don't) DH is looking pretty rough, as po'd at him as I am, he looks like he's on the edge of a nervous breakdown (his own fault I know) I mean he really really looks rough. I still don't want SS14 here, but I will help him find a furnished apt.
No we never leave SS9 alone
No we never leave SS9 alone w/SS14, and it is a big reason I haven't gone back to work. I am getting SS9 in an after school program this year, because I really HAVE to go back now.
SS14, I don't know if it has actually clicked in his brain yet, that he acts SO badly that no one wants him. And yes, it is sad. It's just really difficult for me to feel bad for him when he so abusive to everyone else.
DH is making an appt w/a child psyc who specialized in Neuro...something, I think it's for next week sometime.
Yes he could get an
Yes he could get an apartment. And...it may be the best idea, SS9 should definetely stay w/me, I'm sure SS9 would be relieved and so would DH if I agreed to keep him w/me. Yes I know I'm not his Mom, and I know it's not my problem, I just feel bad for the kid. It's a good idea, Thank you.
I am the BD and now back at
I am the BD and now back at home. SM, my wife, showed me this forum string so I can see what others who have experience similiar situations are saying. Overall good input for us to talk about. I agree that the burden is fully mine and I need to have a measurable course for both me and SS14 (my son). I also agree that professional help is needed so that remedies are SME (subject matter expert) based. If medication required, I am not opposed.
The part I find most interesting is SS14 earning privelages back based on behavoir success. A stripped room to start, then items or privelages returned based on success. If that success is therapy based, it will reinforce that positive aspect. If medication is required and that leads to success, also reinforces that aspect....take the meds routinely.
Above all, and again I recognize this issue came to this point because of me, I am so glad my wife continues to be my life partner in making life long decisions.