If they all live with you, then yes its wrong to treat some kids with favor and others not.
If they live with their BM and you only see them EOW, then it shouldn't matter much

just being honest.

too add... on a personal note:
I had a relative do this to me after my mom died. I went to live with her much of the time as my living parent was working all the time and I needed someone to dress me and get me ready for school, make my lunch and make sure I came home from school.
She was paid very well to do this but always told me I wasn't as good as her kids.
Fast forword 40 plus years.. her sons are jerks with many money and legal problems. I am stable and sane... she asks for money from me ( what nerve !!!) and I tell her, she isn't good enough and to find a job.

so this stuff kinds of comes back to bite you if you screw with kids.

If DH is giving the step kids preferential treatment I can see why you would want to put your children's needs and wants first. I can see what Jeans222 is saying, but I also don't think its fair for your children to feel like they don't come first to anyone if the skids clearly come first to your husband. It's an unfair situation, but are blended families ever fair? Ideally everyone should be the best possible parent to their children.

i agree with jeans222
but i think your issues are not really with your step kids.
if you are their stepmother they are your business and you are responsible for them.
i am not legally married to my hubby but we have 2 DD together and his oldest when she is here (which is not often since BM is a bitch). we make decisions together when it has to do with them. sure we may not agree but everything has to be for the best of the family.
i always let SD10 know that she is very much apart of my/our family and never feel like she is any less than my kids. i know she believes it but then goes back home where her mom tells her things like your dad doesn't love you that's why we don't have cable and he and his kids have cable and everything over there.

it's so sad what BMs do to their kids just to make themselves feel better about being miserable.

I agree with Jeans222 - if they live with you, then you need to treat them all equally. If they live with BM, it shouldn't matter.

However, as a warning for the future - if DH's life revolves around those kids, that's not going to change when they are adults. If they want for anything, he will provide - even to the detriment of his current household. Pick you battles wisely in this matter because it's not going away any time soon.

You should have seen this relative cry when I won the lotto...

hahaha

yes I did win a small lotto years back.
Nothing major ( was split several ways with coworkers, about 800K for me) but enough to make her cry. Of course she showed up and was acting like she was my mother telling me what to do...

I told her that she was just a babysitter for 5 years of my childhood... more a reminder.
She asked if I would give her some money and I told her no I wouldn't and never would.
She cried. I didn't feel the slightest bit sorry either.

yeah don't screw with little kids heads. Its not only not nice, it can come back to haunt you in the most terrible ways.

What your planning and your thinking is screwing with the kids heads, in my opinion and it sounds awful and nasty. I think your ideas are awful and pathetic.

Placing your bio child's needs over your skids needs is fine. Your skids have their mother to put their needs before the needs of other children.

Example: If my son needed a kidney and my stepdaughter needed a kidney and I was a match for both...I'd be giving my son the kidney.

Anyone can call me a heartless woman for saying that but it's the truth. That's my example of placing my child's needs before the needs of a child I didn't give birth to.

Of course favoritism is a TOTALLY different subject. There's a difference between putting needs first and playing favorites. Playing favorites would be treating your kid to things when skids are around but not treating them to it as well...just an example.

Favoritism NO. Placing the need of your biochild ahead of other kids YES.

I like the quote, "mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of children." Your children depend on your to put their needs first before skids...if you don't...who will??

~The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.~
Oscar Wilde

Once again.... Barbie took the words right outta my mouth...

Probably not going to be a popular statement from what I see above, but I'm in a similar boat (not the same, because my son had a dad, but one that doesn't do much of anything with or for him), and my belief is that my child is still the most important thing to me. After all, my DH babies and spoils his child rotten, and in some situations I think I just have to put the welfare of my child first. That doesn't mean I treat them differently, or buy lots of extra stuff for my child (he gets less than SS does), but that if some situation is not good for my son, I feel that I have to "prefer" him, does that make sense? As an example, my DH wants ALL of us to go to my SS's home state for my SS's bday. now, their birthday's are 12 days apart, and I don't see anyone rushing him over to our state for BS birthday. You are talking about making my son miss 1-2 days of school, while yours gives up...nothing. My son has ADHD, and missing any class time is bad for him & his grades. In this case, I just have to do what I felt was best for my child, not what is best for his.
So, I don't necessarily think it is wrong for you to want to advocate for your kids given the situation. It may be more about how you express that or if you are obvious about it to the stepkids that it might be an issue.

I'm with BBB, as usual. My kids are my kids. One of my SD's and I are very close, but NO ONE IN THE WORLD will ever be as close to me as my BD who is only 2 right now. I have a bond with that child that just amazes me. I do with my son to, but something about my daughter is just amazing. Not playing favorites, my son is my boy, he's my strong one, he has so many virtues, he's so handsome, he's going to grow up to be an amazing man. I'll love him to death until the day I die, and we have a bond that's tight. A specail mother son bond. But my daughter and I have a special daughter/mommy bond.

Those are my kids. My skids are not my bio kids. They don't live with me. They have a mother that they have a bond with. I am not their mother. I am married to their father, and while I may do motherly things for them and consider them a part of my family (which they are and always will be) they are not my kids. I compare the love I have for them to the love I have for my neices. It's there, it's never going to go away, but I'm cool aunt Jen. I'm the one to show you how to do your hair, makeup, flirt with boys..........your momma is your momma though. My neices, and my SD's have a mother. One that they love. I see them all about EOW. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I buy them things at Christmas, I'd go pick them up from school if I needed to. I'd nurse them while sick, and I would walk on fire before I'd let anything or anyone hurt them. But they are not MY kids.

I have two kids. My kids come before anyone, except DH. Since my SD's are my DH's kids I understand that they come first to him, other than me! So......yes at Christmas he is going to want to spend money on them, etc. But if the chips were down and he had to give a kidney to SD or to my son, he's giving it to his daughter. Do I blame him, no, that's HIS kid.

I do put both of my children before my SD. I don't make her feel that she's not a part of the family when she's at our home, because she is....very much a part of it!

But my kids, their needs, their school cloths, their food in their tummies, etc........they come first to me. BM gets money for SD's school cloths, food, etc..........what do my kids get? They get money from me! Since a big split of DH's money goes to SD, yes the rest of his money goes to my kids, and to mine and DH's necular family. Why wouldn't it?

And if SD does ever win the lottery............I know, hands down, she would buy me anything I wanted! We are tight like that! LOL! But then again, I'd buy her anything she wanted also!

**and to make sure there is no confusion........my BD who is 2, is mine and DH's. My son is not his, and my SD's are of course not mine.

Well said BBB.

Have you tried talking to your husband about why he puts the skids needs before the needs of the children you have together? Maybe if you two at least understood why, it would be easier to deal with. Is he a guilty daddy? If so, DH isn't going to have the same compulsion to guilt parent the children in your home together, the way he does the children he shares with BM.

Your biological children should ALWAYS come first, before ANYONE else. You are their mother and the only mother they have! There is nothing wrong with putting them first. It's the way it should be. Your skids have their own mother and it's her job to put them first.. and if she isn't, sorry but that's really not your problem either. Any child that you bring into this world is solely your own responsibility, not other people's children! Your DH needs to realize that he can't favor one set of kids over the other too! They are all his children, and personally I would call him on it! Good luck!

I'm a firm believer of separate accounts. I don't know why I love it now because at first I hated it bc I thought that meant our marriage wasn't good or something...but now I realize when you have skids,bm,child support,alimony,etc...you have to keep your hard earned cash to yourself and your kid and your house. I'm greedy like that. I only want SD to get a piece of my paycheck if I CHOOSE to buy her something and spend it on her myself. Of course my check only goes to groceries,incidentals and choochoo(no cs from deadbeat daddy) but that doesn't mean I want my savings going to sd and bm.

two thumbs way up for multiple bank accounts and tucking rainy day money away.

~The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.~
Oscar Wilde

In my opinion it is wrong to put your biokids 1st.

Whatever the case may be on "what" is wrong or "who" did what.
To me it boils down to doing what is right.
In my opinion.

Till the day my dad died he raised a step child from an afair his wife had. (My mom)
When my sister turned 18 he told her he was not her bio dad.
She didn't care, and to her he was still her Daddy.
Nothing changed.

And to me that took charactor!

well...I have no bios...so I really shouldn't be commenting....BUT..u know I will anyway...LOL....I've seen the damage a bio can do to her own children's hearts, mind and souls....so yes I agree that it is natural, or should be natural, for a BM to favor her own, but once in a blue moon, u find a biomom who would sell her own flesh and blood for crack, so in THAT case....IF I had bios of my own, I would have adored them from day one, so I would LOVE to think that I would be favoring the ones that need the most love...in a perfect world,,,anyway...LOL....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

I treat them the same. BUT SD needs less. She needs less clothes, shoes, coats etc. since she is with us WEd and EOW.
She also gets the smallest room in the house since she uses it the least.

However when it comes to wants they get the same.

If I buy something for one I buy for three.

I think that we all should have stated if we are talking about BKids that we have with our SOs or if we are talking about Bkids with our XHs......

That may be making a difference in the decisions that are made regarding who supports who.

Your their mother and if you dont do it who will? Their father gives everything to the first ones out of guilt and he should have his butt swiftly kicked considering they live 50% of the time...and it should be shared.
ANd diapers and milk for the new babies come FIRST! before toys, and extracurricular activities...sorry..that is reality.
I remember one point when my dh didn't have his half of the cash for Daycare becasue he spent it on a gift for his son. my ss....I CHEWED HIM OUT! I said dont you EVER do this again. This bills for the house come first, the DAYCARE the mortgage, the bills, the food and if somethingis left over for a gift for your son THEN and only then you will spend what you like. I have separate accounts and he said, will you have more money than me so you can pay that half. I said uh no buddy! We made this kid together, You pay half. YOUR EX TWIT GETS HER MONEY OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK FIRST. The rest of that money is for OUR NEW HOUSEHOLD. If she wants more ; 1. go to court to give her more, 2. get a second job to give her more. BUt OUR SON WONT GO WITHOUT DIAPERS OR DAYCARE CAUSE OF A STUPID PRESENT.
I lost it ...i said more..but i think he got the message, He buys when he has cash, if he doesnt' too bad. We gt them eow...and if he has no gas money to pick them ( they live 3 1/2 hours away) then he skips that weekend. He asked me once for gas money, i told him once but next time the well dries out...im not yoru bank account , if the cash is dry , too bad.
Your their mother. Dont ever feel guilty of giving your kid first. Its obvious your skids are covered by dad because he's chosen to do so..fine. Then you cover your child and give nothing to stepkids. If they want something, go ask daddy.

Who says everything is equal in a nuclear/non-blended all bio family?

I put myself first. That doesn't come naturally to an admitted painfully self aware co-dependent martyr either. But...

Here's my priority list-

Myself- put on my own oxygen mask so I can better help others who need me.

My husband, our marriage, A #2 right up there under my own needs to remain healthy and happy. Our marriage is the core of our home, as it is the one relationship that we will be left with when our children grow up and move out to live their own lives.

My BD 3- as she is least self sufficient and most in need of her mom.

Then the other kids? This may surprise you.

Their priority level changes with the month, week, year...

day/minute etc.

When SD's custody case was underway- she was our priority. When my BSs needed to stay here full time due to circumstances at their dad's? They were my priority - especially in the way I had to let go of planning time with them because they miss their dad so much that when he calls to take them to dinner or to hang out at his house, they won't want to stay here, hang out with me. It isn't about what's fair or right at that point. It's about what they NEED from me.

I have been posting a lot about being the best parent I can be for all of my kids, SD in particular as it comes more naturally to the three I gave birth too/bonded with since day one. BUT...

It's about balance. You know growing up I never worried about who got more, or what I didn't get/have, until my brother was in a terrible car accident and became totally disabled- he was 17, other brother 15.5, me 12. My older sister had married and moved out/had a baby the year before. A lot had changed. I was angry. No one made me a priority, and I understood why they couldn't. Imagine the guilt of being peeved your older brother got a TV in his room...your older brother who can't WALK or TALK that is. Of course it was "fair" that he got a TV and I didn't. I could WALK. TALK. EAT FOOD. etc.

But anger is not rational. Feeling neglected is not always rational either- meaning NEEDS and WANTS are two different things.

All the kids physical NEEDS should have equal importance. Their emotional needs? Should be best met by the parent most capable, ideally by both (or more in the case of blendeds.) But ideals are rare.

Their wants? Should be earned by the time their old enough to contribute. Then there's no favoritism. It's black and white so to speak. When SD complains I didn't say no to the boys all weekend, I can counter with "they only asked one reasonable request. You asked for 32. So statistically, I have to say no a lot more when the requests, even if reasonable, are not so numerically."

Of course she's borderline so now that I've figured out a few things I'd more likely say, "Oh hon...I wish I could say yes to EVERYTHING your heart desires, but your dad wants to make those decisions."

Anyhoo....that's my Sita length response.

It's about Balance. I will say it til I'm blue in the face. Not as simple as it sounds and don't I know it. But is the road to happiness I'm pretty sure.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

You know, I don't feel like it's wrong to place BK's needs before SK's needs. Being a Sparent is hard regardless of the situation. In some situations it's the greatest thing but in a lot of situations it comes with many trials and tribulations. It's very hard to feel a parental connection with a child that isn't yours! I don't think that any person should feel bad about not feeling the connection. When you marry a person with kids it makes your relationship that much harder but that holds true if you marry someone who's a momma's boy who puts his mother before you or whatever crazy situation you're put in. It's so easy for people on the outside looking in to tell you how it should be. In a perfect world we wouldn't need this site because we'd all love one another and place flowers in our hair and dance all day together. My mother for example who never dealt with step kids told me that I'm supposed to love them all the same but she doesn't have to deal with an unsupportive DH who lets his kids run a muck in our home. She never had to worry if my brother and I were being influenced by older SK's with unruly ways. I don't have to deal with my DH putting his first BK's before his kids with me but if I did that would draw me that much closer to my BK's to try and protect them and cusion them from the emotional drawbacks they'll deal with when they're old enough to realize what's going on. So I'm right with you invisiblestepmom. Even though we have all have being a Sparent in common we all deal with various details that change the dynamic of our situations and none of us know how would react if we were put in the same situations. I think we should all be commended for at least trying to make the best out of a complicated situation and it shows how great our love is to our spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends by attempting to take on such a task as this.