Well if I were you I would sit down with my spouse and address the issue " how would you feel if SD lived with _____ full time?"
If your wife is ok with that then talk to the SD. However your wife may not be ok with that and want to include her BD, and naturally. You worked hard all your life for your children to have a beautiful home, but to play devils advocate, maybe your wife feels she has worked hard and has earned it as much as you and her daughter deserves the same as your children. Is SD easy to get along with? NOPE! She lied because she was afraid of Bio Dad...if a child has to lie out of fear because of what the parent might do...maybe there problem is much deeper and with another source other then your SD. I would seriously have a heart to heart..just you, wife and SD and talk and talk until she spills her guts about why she does what she does. That is what i would do and move to the next step. If you push her out now, things will get worse.

Purpleflower

With the way the housing market is now, this is probably the best chance to snag your dream home for a dream price. I would do it, regardless of how SD might benefit. But also impliment purpleflower's advice as well. If your wife is okay with SD living with her mom full time, go for it. You'll have the best of both worlds. If your wife isn't okay with it, well, she won't be young forever right? And when she moves on in her life you'll still have the house.

What would it do to your marriage to not allow your wife's child too live in your dream house? How would she feel? If you are concerned that your sd doesn't deserve it and shouldn't just have things handed to her, could you not make up rules and tell her that if she is going to be a part of the family and the house she needs to earn it? She has to contribute by doing her share of the chores, not lying and so on. Help make her a better person that is a contributing member of the family, rather than push her out which will push your wife away and make your sd act out even more.

Your wife needs to help that child learn some responsibility. If your sd can't even turn off the lights now, what will she be like in 5 years if she isn't forced to change? Doing everything for the child is making things worse for the child. Instead of doing everything for her, your wife should show her the way. I have a ss that is super lazy and won't shower unless we force him to. I had to lay down the lay and explain that we all contribute. If he refuses to then he will lose out. I have the kids EARN their TV, video game time by reading, doing crafts, walking the dogs etc. In order to earn allowance they have to do their share of chores. They didn't know how to do the most basic things at first but I shown them and they are better for it. I am starting to see that they respect the rules in our house.

Ok, you asked (lol) My thoughts are that the child who feels she needs to be afraid of her own bd does not deserve to be excluded from a nice house because that fear caused her to not speak up the way she should have. If you can't buy the house without resentment about her benefitting from it then stay where you all are. Of course this is like punishing everyone (including yourself) just to make this child does not get what you think she does not deserve.

Hmm, maybe your wife isn't good at doing the punishing and would agree to let you be the enforcer-so to speak? It's quite common for parents to take on different roles. She can start with her approach and if it doesn't work then you step in and act as teh "punisher". Lol. I think you have a very healthy perspective. It's a sticky point indeed but as long as your wife understands that you have the best interests of the household in mind, she should come around. I wish you the best of luck.

I haven't read anyone elses ideas yet but here is what I thought when reading your blog...

I think that what you are thinking is what a lot of us go through. You feel like you should reward your children but SD is going to be in on it and it p's you off.

Well, its a house. I know it means a lot to you but for kids it is a house. They live there, they don't think they are spoiled by what house they live in, though you and your wife do.

Kids think they are spoiled and get there way when they have stuff--ipods, game systems, flat screens in their room, cell phones....and a big bedroom.

Since SD is their the least (50/50) with BD I would suggest she have the smallest room, if she doesn't deserve to have a lot of the "extras" don't get them..... I know you are going to say that your wife will buy them for her. Well so be it, but SD will know that it was not from you, you don't reward for bad behavior.

Really your wife spoiling her child is what most parents do. There is no stopping her and if you talk to her and she continues you risk losing your marriage by continuing to nag her.

My only fear for you is that if SD likes your house more (like the pool) she may make up a lie to be able to spend more time at your house. I would let DW know to be watching for this.

Good luck.

CONGRATS!!!! Enjoy your new home and dont let sd control anything under the home. That's the main thing for all kids. they are kids and follow what the adults say.
How many rooms are there?
If you think Sd is not deserving, then you decide where you kids go first int he room they want and sd can have last pick or whatever your wife and you decide.
My sk do not live with me and i told my dh, since they barely come around i dont hink they should have a main room. He agreed, he had no choice considering the house we got was small. i would have picked a bigerr house and given them both a small room ot share but he wanted this house...so..had to make sacrifices.
Enjoy the move and enjoy your house!!!

When it comes to YOUR dream house, don't give SD another thought. I'll tell you my story so you don't make the same mistake.

When BD was 2 and SD 12, DH and I decided we needed a bigger house. We had primary custody of SD (about 65 percent) and she went to school with us. We wanted at least one more child and had a three-bedroom. DH said my bio-children would just have to share a room so SD could have her own room. I disagreed. Rather than wage a never-ending battle, I decided we would buy a four-bedroom.

We searched and searched (for six months). BM threw down the gauntlet and told us we HAD to buy a house where SD could continue to attend the same school. I intended to do that anyway, but legally there was nothing she could do to force that.

At last, we found a house we liked and bought it. It was in SD's school district, my choice. Plus, to make the move easier I gave SD the biggest room (I knew she wanted it). I never got any thank you or acknowledgment for either of those decision. Our mortgage was TWICE as much as the old house, which was hard to swallow, but we were determined to make it work.

Then, when SD was 15, she decided she wanted to live with BM, and now she's gone. I moved my entire family, bought a house that cost TWICE as much, all to accommodate SD, and now she doesn't even live with us.

Do what YOU want, for YOUR family.

Hahaha. Good for you!!!! If she ever asks why your 5 yr old got the biggest room you can tell her "because she follows the rules, behaves and doesn't lie."

When my sd lived with us, I made sure that she had a room of her own. However, after she kept messing up, we finally took away her room and "made" her a room in the basement (which meant no privacy!) and our 2 youngest got her room. Getting to have a nice room is not owed, it is earned. Your sd didn't earn it and she doesn't get it. It looks like she got what she earned and nothing more. In order for you to give her the bigger room then you would have to take it away from your bd. That wouldn't be fair. I hope that you wife understands this and doesn't try to make you give her daughter that room or she will resent you for it. It should be a done deal as far as the bedroom goes. Except, you will probably have to deal with resentment from your sd and hopefully your bd will not end up being mistreated in the process by your sd. Good luck with this and CONGRATULATIONS! on your new home. Sorry that such an exciting event has to be marred by this drama!

Good for you. That kids has some SERIOUS nerve. When my stepkids asks why they didn't get something I tell them "what have you done for me lately, or what have you done to earn it?" They are learning that they have to listen all the time and not just when they want someting.
I'd be so frustrated if I were you. Why can't your wife just step up?

The way I see it, we all have to learn responsibility. Responsibility is what gets you to college, and gets you jobs, and earns you money. Does your wife want her daughter to be a loser in life that has no sense of responsibility and work ethic? She will never get the "big room" so to speak because she won't be able to afford anything. That's a great way to raise a child. Note the sarcasm. I'd explain to that kid that the reason you have that nice house is because you have worked hard in life. Hard work gets you things. laziness gets you nowhere. Since she has been lazy she gets the smallest room. Your daughter has listened, does chores and therefor, has EARNED the big room. Kids understand easy analogies. I'm the queen of using them to explain things. Hope it works. I'd also point out to your wife that in the long run she is setting her daughter up for failure.

Well, since she won't know how to work for things she'd better find a rich husband or win the lottery. She'd better end up being really hot because rich husbands are hard to come by. Lol.