When I set up my account here-I had the potential to be a SM but since then things have changed drastically. The relationship between he and I had deteriorated to the point of petty punishments if anyone disciplined his 2 kids. I tried suggesting "family meetings" with the hopes of lining out to all 5 of the children-now almost 18, 15, 8,7, and 5 the expectations we had of each of them on their levels of understanding. As could be expected, my teenagers get it-I raised them; they knew what I expected. Their 5yr old sister as they well knew would be following in their steps-learning right from wrong, responsibility, accountibility, etc...Unfortunately, I had to know this was going nowhere when he told me he had no expectations of his own children. I only wish he'd said it soon enough that I had never uprooted my own and moved to the middle of nowhere with the promise of nothing but heartache 4 yrs later. Family meetings obviously were a no go-except for me and mine of course; we had to find a way to survive the madness of living with people who never saw more of a consequence for anything but patting on the hand and saying "we don't do that". I'm not suggesting or condoning "beating", but I say that several events really deserved so much stronger than being "pet" and let go on to do the same thing again over and over again.

I finally had to break down and go to counseling, because somehow I thought the destrution of this relationship was somehow all my fault. What I learned is that until I finally separated our households the only folks I put in jeopardy were me and my own kids. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot no way no how make them drink. This is so true of single dad's and parenting. I believe that his motives are strictly because he feels bad for them and instead of being a parent he has opted to be their buddy. When I called him a "soft sell" parent and told him good luck with that he responded in kind. I have a nearly 18 yr old who has been in no real trouble of any kind-and least of all as a teenager. I am struggling with my 15 yr old as she thinks already she knows all of the answers, but in all fairness if she is watching me in my relationship I AM not a good role model at all. the 5 yr old is just new to all of this-she is just a bright shiny spot to my days when everything else is crumbling around me.

This relationship has been on such a roller coaster ride-from me living with the "ghost" of an ex-wife (he took days off that were reflections of their anniversaries together? but not ever a day off with me)to his son who was constantly allowed to talk badly about dinner that it was yucky and he wasnt going to eat it (dad issued no consequence for either taunt)to his father talking about how much better his 12 grandkids were than my 3 kids? I am so confused by his "judgment"? Even more so-confused that his son has stood by and let his father talk about us without standing up for us at all.

When this erupted in March 2009, I didn't know how I was going to manage, but I informed him I was leaving after the chastising his father felt he needed to visit upon me without asking questions. I told him to be sure that his family was aware of my intentions-since they had always told him that if he sought full custody of his own children from his ex-wife they would help him watch them, etc... They proceeded to tell him that they would NOT watch his kids for him once I left. What?!! I have since then been left to go on a seemingly self-imposed "guilt trip" over him having no one to watch them. I have refused because they do not have to mind anyone not even him. I don't necessarily believe in teenagers having to be responsible for younger siblings, but if that's the only option left for 2-income parents what do you do? we could never make his son understand that the big kids were in charge. AND they did not make them do anything that was not part of simply getting ready in the mornings for school or coming in after school and settling down to do homework. They werent threatened or bullied more than being told there would be a phone call or text message sent to one of us to try to rectify the situation or some consequence after school for holding up the process. I would say that through all of the other things I could touch on in this mishap of a failed relationship the only good thing to come of it is my once again independence and this time stronger than when my ex-husband first left. My marital status still lends itself to the potential to be a SD(step-dragon this is how they made me feel quite a bit). In all fairness I did try to get close to them without taking on the role of being their mother (they already have one) we just accepted that i was their "other mother". Please don't get me wrong-i did love them, I just didn't like them or their father for a really long time. Especially after i strated realizing that it was never "our" home we (me and my kids) were always going to be the outsiders no matter what.