Can DH forgive me for telling him the truth about SS17?
I am not a biological parent - I have only been a step parent for 9 years. I have loved 2 wonderful step sons for several years. But now, the oldest SS17 has turned into a manipulative, lying, stealing, teenager. He started spending more time with his BM and his attitude has turned horrible. I am sure deep down, the boy DH and I raised is still there, but it is buried down real deep. He is being manipulated by his BM.
He is disrespectful of me and DH, but DH doesn't want to see or he does and doesn't want to acknowledge it. SO being to loud mouth that I am - I pointed it out to him. I tried to get DH to put a stop to it. But DH took SS's side and told me where to go - and that I am no longer part of the family.
I am still in the house, but more just a piece of the furniture. Totally ignored - literally not talked to by SS17 or SS12 or DH. All I hear is SS17 asking DH for "things". And of course DH giving it to him. DH does not want to lose him to BM.
DH is even doing SS17 chores around the house.
So even though I was only telling that his son is using him for his $$ - anybody have any insight on whether a biological parent will forgive a step parent for bad mouthing their child?
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i like the "He doesn't get
i like the "He doesn't get pissed he just actually see's it"
this is what will make my dh get quiet with me and treat me like a piece of furniture. he gets pissed when i'm right because it makes him feel like his parenting doesn't matter. in my opinion my dh doesn't parent because parenting would mean you make the kids do things - fun and not fun.
my dh will go on little
my dh will go on little stints like this when i was still involved with the skids. i think you need to make your space and your dh will get tired of doing everything for ss17 and hopefully he will see what you called out in ss17.
i can't stand skids after they've been with their mother for long periods. i know there's dakota bashing over there but i dont care. i treat those kids just how i did the talking in high school - these skids dont mean shit to me and there is no way i would choose to be around them on my own.
there has to come a time that these dh's get tired of the games these kids pull because they know each parent wants the children. some for the right, mostly for the wrong reasons - cs is my big motivator, it will be the best day ever when cs runs out for the pos bm in our life.
i'd not worry about it. dh will come to his senses. i disengaged and told DH why. dh and i no longer fight about skids other when i'm pissed they're coming around when we have plans and dh cancels our plans to be with them. i dont share the joy.
Maybe when it finally dawns
Maybe when it finally dawns on him that what you said you were saying out if love. And that its all the truth. Mine forgave me when he realized that I was doing it all outta love
Bayers44 - okay your DH is an
Bayers44 - okay your DH is an asshole for not listening to you and being by your side when he did not like what you had to say - he could have told you privately that what you said was hurtful and not appreciated but instead "gang up" on you with his sons that is unforgivable so please forgive my language here but he needs to worry about you fucking forgiving him because if my DH ever and I mean ever took the side of my SS and acted like a united front with him against me he would pay dearly.
It does sound as if something else much bigger is going on if after 9 years your DH is acting like such an immature dick to you - you need to tell him that his behavior will not be tolerated and that he married you and he is your partner not his kids who from the sound of it are very immature children. Everyone always wants to tell us SM's that we married a man with children well hello that man also married us and when he did he needed to take our feelings into account as well.
So you need to tell him either grow the hell up or changes will need to be made - and don't you dare forgive him for telling the truth about his child - it is not like you beat his child or kicked him out of the house but you tell DH that either DH and both of his spawn respect you or ELSE!!! Your DH should not be expected to forgive you - he should be lucky that you ever forgive him for his stupid behavior. Good Luck sweetie I will be praying that you grow strong and YOU stand up for yourself cause obviously DH is not going to!!!
DH acted that way because (as
DH acted that way because (as he stated) he does not want to lose SS to BM. Even though, SS17 would not leave DH for BM because BM does not have enough $$ to support his lifestyle. He is into sports - but every year he needs new sporting equipment which DH has to buy him. In the past DH, would say no or would make SS pay for part of it himself. But not this year...DH just went and bought new cleats, new bat bag, and other items which I could not see. Even though - the ones from last year were still good and still fit. But SS17 pitched a fit and pulled "I wanna live mommy" card so DH went to the sporting goods store. AND SS17 got a lettermans jacket and he enrolled him in driver's ed.
Ahh this kid is good.
Listen if your asshole SS17
Listen if your asshole SS17 wants to live with his mother which you know good and well he won't because she does not have enough money then tell him to go - he won't he is just testing the water and as your DH proved he is a pussy and your SS just found out he is so now you are going to have even more problems - I am so sorry you are going through this.
Sometimes I think it hurts so
Sometimes I think it hurts so much more when you have love for your skids and then all of the sudden you are the enemy. Same thing I am going thru now. My skids have been my kids for the past five years. I have raised my sd longer then her bm ever did and I have done a much better job at it. But now that they are spending so much time with thier bm everything seems to have changed. Now me and my husband do not have the perfect relationship but we do love each other very much. I try to be open with him about how I feel as far as my skids and all the probs we are having right now due to thier bm. At first he didn't even comprehend what I was telling me and kind of just left me to deal with it. But the last week or so he has changed(I think due to me following so much good advice from this site) But no matter what I would not take him ganging up on me with his kids. He has always defended me thru any times like that including the most previous. I think he knows I will not take it. I will leave with our bd and leave the two of them to deal with the mess. If they ever made me feel like she could do it better then have at it. I am so sorry you are hurting right now but stand your ground and make him come to your way of seeing things. If he refuses to do so then do what your heart tells you is best to do.
My biggest problem is getting
My biggest problem is getting DH to realize that he needs to be my partner, he needs to be on my side. Which does not mean he needs to be againse his kids. But he does need to defend me every now and then - but as he says "it is not my fight to fight, this is between you and them". BM badmouths me to other parents at the skids school - luckily most of the parents know me because I have been there for so long where she has not. Or for newer parents or parents that don't know me, I have a very strong family name in the community that I can stand behind so most people don't believe her. Plus she is not very believable. But she is still spreading lies about me. I would think that my DH would want to defend me, but no, he keeps his mouth shut.
He also knows that SS17 has told BM that I have abused them, I have never raised a hand to them in anger EVER. But did he address this with the SS - no, the reason? It won't change anything so why address it. Thanks for the help you big jerk. I am sure that if you was spreading lies about YOU... you would talk to him about it. But since it was just me...then there is not reason to.
OMG! I am going thru the same
OMG! I am going thru the same thing except the one spreading the lies about thru thier school is thier bm's mother! It didn't seem to bother my husband too much but it did me. But just like you-I have a strong standing here in this community because of my in-laws and nobody believed her. My husband's family will stand behind me all the time even when I don't think my husband is doing the same. But when it really comes down to it(like last weekend) boy he really proves me wrong. He let both my ss and his bm know how important I am to this family. I wish yours would do the same for you.
Ohhh I am NOT doing their
Ohhh I am NOT doing their laundry OR cooking their food or buying their groceries. It also helps that I just had my hip replaced 3 weeks ago so I literally can't do any of that. Or at least the 1st 2 weeks I couldn't. AND of course he wouldn't do anything for me.
He is doing everything for the skids, granted he forgot to have the youngest SS12 read and practice his drums during Christmas break. I did remind him once - but after that I kept out of it. Now SS12 has an "F" in Band and a "D" in reading.
DH did say he was going to make all the decisions in the family . Well his decisions are hurting his kids. I hope he can handle raising them as a single parent, even though I am still living in the same house.
Ohh I would love to tell him
Ohh I would love to tell him where to go and pack up and leave - and I did just before Christmas - I was gone for a week. But I am not going to let some punk ass 17 year old kid drive me out of a home that I have built with my DH. Yes DH is being a pansy ass dickhead with no backbone. But he has not always been this way. We have had issues in the past that we were able to get thru.
One argument I have had with the family right after my surgery was that the skids sat on their arses while their dad cooked them dinner and then proceeded clean up dinner while they literally sat in the living room and watched him. I was unable to help because I was 2 days out of the hospital (DH and I were still on OK terms at this point). I lost my temper and yelled at the skids for watching their dad instead of offering to help.
DH got mad at me - for saying anything. As he stated - he didn't ask for help (duh he shouldn't have to...the kids I raised would have joined in and helped). But no, the kids that had been spending too much time with BM had become spoiled brats. And thus SS17 decides to runaway and DH helps him!!! Anyway...the point is...after a week, ever since then every night after dinner the skids clean up their dishes and help put away dinner.
But DH says it has nothing to do with what I said - I am a terrible influence! Oh and their drug addict BM is so much better!!!
The more appropriate question
The more appropriate question is whether you will forgive him! DH is being an immature prick and is acting no more adult than his manipulative 17yo spawn.
If I were you I would give DH absolute clarity what failing to live up to his half of your marriage will cost him. Most critically it will cost him YOU! I would sit him down, lay out the facts and tell him that he either backs you or packs his shit and his two spawn and leaves.
IMHO of course.
The marriage is between the adults in the relationship and the Skids have no part in it. They benefit from a strong and supportive marriage but are not a party to it. DH needs to understand this or he needs to be single and short at least half of the marital resources.
Good luck.