Why do I care about any of this....
Why do I care if he showers?
Why do I care if he brushes his teeth?
Why do I care if he fails school?
Why do I care if he lies?
Why do I care that he leaves his dishes throughout the house?
Why do I care that if we have sodas he will drink them until their gone?
Why do I care that he treats our home like its disneyland?
Why do I care if he manipulates DH?
Why do I care if he never wants to go to BM's almost like its total punishment?
Why do I care that we have to repeat everything 5 times before SS will hear any of it?
Why do I care that DH goes silent whenever I bring any of this crap up?
I wish I didn't care! I wish I enjoyed being home!
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I wish I had something better
I wish I had something better to say, I don't.
I care, I care... I try to tell myself she is not my child I should notcare, but it just happens. However the things like leaving dishes around the house and stuff like that are def. Something you SHOULD care about. Is your home
I def care about the dishes
I def care about the dishes and the messes BUT nothing ever changes. I went home for lunch (huge mistake) and saw crap everywhere. DH was home because he works nights but he is oblivious to any mess! Besides he was still asleep!
I've discussed with SS14 about messes, DH tells him when reminded but honestly I'm just tired of it all!! It will never change!
I will say this Eagle Eye. I
I will say this Eagle Eye. I am a complete psycho when it comes to dishes, unmade beds, dirty clothes brimming out of hampers. Here is how I deal with it. Since I am the one that is bothered by dishes in the bedrooms I usually do a walk thru every morning before leaving for work and grab all the glasses and put them in the dishwasher. I leave the sink CLEAN. And I post a note on the fridge, NO DIRTY DISHES!!!! They listen. Because if I get home and there are dishes in the sink, I don't cook dinner until the dishes are done. If SS wants to go out (OR BIO) first thing I say is "Is your room clean?" If it isn't, they know they have to pick it up before they go. I have also been known to throw away ANY clothes that I find on the floor. I just sweep it into the garbage bag. No words, no complaints, no nagging. Just POOF it's disappeared.
I empathize. Baby steps,
I empathize. Baby steps, start working on not caring. Pick one thing and just start.
I used to get so involved with SD's schooling. Now, I don't even ask about either skid's classes.
I used to make sure SO went grocery shopping before they came. Now, I don't bother. His problem. Little by little I made changes.
I used to do their dishes. HAHAHAHAHA. Not anymore
I leave bath towels sitting for weeks in SDs room.
The one thing that is hard is watching SO get taken in. I haven't been able to turn that one off. SD will act all agreeable and sweet and say yes dad I want a great career and I want to do well in school. Its important. What does she do? She quits college prep for public, she blows her freshman year by getting c's and F's. Now she's going to be a pharmacist. SO is excited now. Oh she'll be fine. She's serious now. HA! He will get sucked in every time. I've learned to step back and not take her seriously. It still makes me mad at her to do that to him. But honestly, she's just doing whatever makes her life easier.
BUT since working on not caring, I can interact with skids way better now. I have low expectations of them, and thus am never disappointing. I think I've started doing this with SO too now.
You CAN turn this off. It takes time though. It took me months of behaving like I don't care (not doing thigns) before I truly stopped caring about SD's future. Its carried over to SS too.
Your daughter is going to
Your daughter is going to learn the hard lesson that things are unfair. BUT she will get opportunities and responsibilities later in life that the skids will not. All because she was raised with a set of expectations, boundaries, and life lessons that skids will never get.
its hard to explain, but all you can do is try to tell her that you see things different for her and your goal is to make her a better person. Her being treated differently, will make her a better person.
People on this board do it all the time. Eventually the bio sibs start seeing how stupid the skids act because they were treated too permissively. Yours will see eventually as well.
I have BD14 at home too!! I
I have BD14 at home too!! I am all over her daily about doing the right things etc It's hard because she see's SS getting away with everything! Why does she have to do chores when SS doesn't? Why is she expected to get good grades. The list never ends...
DH has actually told her that she will make something of herself while SS flips burgers forever!! :O
Exactly! My bios see that
Exactly!
My bios see that happening left and right... the only thing I'm VERY careful about is I don't ask either of them to pick up the slack from the SK's. That's DH's responsibility.
But my kids have been told from early on that I will parent them the best way I can, with responsibility, accountability, expectations. I have no control over how the SK's are parented. And my bios know they are already all the better for it!
Why do I care if he showers?
Why do I care if he showers? BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T HE'LL STINK AND THAT WILL BUG YOU.
Why do I care if he brushes his teeth? BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T HIS BREATH WILL STINK AND THAT WILL BOTHER YOU AND ALSO BAD TEETH MEAN BIG DENTAL BILLS WHICH WILL ALSO BOTHER YOU.
Why do I care if he fails school? BECAUSE IF HE FAILS IT MEANS EVENTUALLY HE WILL BE A LOSER AND YOU & YOUR DH WILL END UP SUPPORTING A LOSER AND THAT WILL BOTHER YOU.
Why do I care if he lies? BECAUSE IT MEANS HE IS DISRESPECTING YOU OR YOUR DH IN SOME WAY BY BEING UNTRUTHFUL.
Why do I care that he leaves his dishes throughout the house? BECAUSE IT IS YOUR HOME & YOU PROBABLY DONT LIKE LIVING IN FILTH.
Why do I care that if we have sodas he will drink them until their gone? BECAUSE YOU'D LIKE TO ENJOY YOUR SODAS AS WELL & IT BOTHERS YOU THAT HE IS INCONSIDERATE.
Why do I care that he treats our home like its disneyland? BECAUSE IT IS YOUR HOME & YOU'D LIKE IT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT.
Why do I care if he manipulates DH? BECAUSE HE IS YOUR DH AND YOU FEEL PROTECTIVE OVER HIM AS ANY LOVING WIFE WOULD.
Why do I care if he never wants to go to BM's almost like its total punishment? BECAUSE YOU WANT A BREAK AND PROBABLY RESENT THE FACT THAT WHILE YOU RAISE THIS KID THE BM IS OUT THERE ENJOYING HER LIFE KID FREE!
Why do I care that we have to repeat everything 5 times before SS will hear any of it? BECAUSE AS ANY PARENT, IT IS ANNOYING WHEN KIDS DON'T LISTEN!
Why do I care that DH goes silent whenever I bring any of this crap up? BECAUSE HE IS IGNORING THE TOPIC THAT YOU'D LIKE TO GET A HANDLE ON AND IT'S FRUSTRATING.
Yes Unfreakingreal!! You are
Yes Unfreakingreal!! You are correct in all that you said!!
Why am I the only one to care?? Why doesn't DH care about his own son? Do I really have to say to DH that his son stinks? One would think DH has a nose of his own!!
Its almost like DH has come to accept his son is an idiot! The kid is 14 and he still has time to mature but he needs his fathers help and dad is too lazy! SS refuses to listen to me when I say anything so I now say nothing but I still get oh so upset silently!! There is no point in saying anything to DH because then I am only picking on the "prince!"
You're probably not the only
You're probably not the only one who cares, but as I have found in my own situation sometimes men just find it easier to sweep things under the rug. Because if they have to deal with an issue that would require work and following thru and most men just aren't made up that way. My SS would do terribly in school and I pushed and pushed until he graduated. And one day, we received a progress report that showed that he had been late for 1st period 8 times. Meanwhile, I was the one that would wake him up and made sure he never missed the school bus. So I told his dad "Here, YOU deal with this because I make sure he leaves here on time every day so HE is the one that is going elsewhere instead of straight to class and if you leave ME to deal with it it's going to be ugly." At that moment I FORCED my DH to deal with something that he otherwise would have ignored. As far as the stinky issue goes...I have gone as far as Febreezing my SS. And I tell him straight up "GET IN THE SHOWER YOU STINK LIKE SHIT!" So he goes and showers. Believe me, men are not fazed by odor. If I have to tell you how many times I have thrown a tantrum over stinking garbage you'd fall off your chair.
LOL, you sound like me!! why
LOL, you sound like me!!
why do i care that he goes to the doctor for check-up's
why do i care to make sure his lunch is packed with food he likes to eat?
why do i care to always make sure i have chip ahoy cookies for him?
why do i care to make sure when I BUY new clothes the tags are always cut out?
why do i care to only get bubble gum medicine flavor?
why do i care to go the extra mile for his bday parties and make great goody bags?
why do i care to go into school on my friday my day off and read his class a story and craft?
i care because he lives in my home and yes he is not my birth child but, he IS MY SON!!
Very well said SONOMAMA.
Very well said SONOMAMA.
I can't stand the thought of
I can't stand the thought of people putting my pet in harms way. I would have been so angry.
Your DH is always on the defensive now. Once you disengage for a while he should stop that. Hopefully.
Sometimes they just always stay in defense mode with their kids. Its sad. At 18 they should at least have a job. Your DH should be embarrassed.
Not caring is not easy. I do
Not caring is not easy. I do like a clean house though. But their room can be trashed I just shut the doors.
You know why? Because all
You know why? Because all those who say "don't care, it's not your kid", forget that when they don't do these things, they will turn out to be lousy adults. And when they turn out to be lousy adults, we'll have to put up with these nasty adults in our home because they are, after all, our DHs pathetic kids. When they have no job, they'll come wanting to crash in your house...that's what happens.
My deal is "I won't care, no problem...but when that loser is 18 and you want me to put up with their pathetic manners, a loser in my house, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I will be OUT the door."
My take is that I don't care
My take is that I don't care now. If they act like idiots grown, then they can stay out of my house.
This is my take: Standing
This is my take:
Standing around trying not to care what happens with the Skids is like a bad anxiety dream... one of those where you know something bad is about to happen, in slow motion, but for some reason you can't move quickly enough to stop it.
I agree with Neko - it's not easy not to care. I do keep thinking about the future, and how my skids are horribly unprepared for the "real world" where one can't just quit because they aren't on a winning team, or not everyone will get a trophy, and there will be consequences for unacceptable behavior instead of *hugs to help you do better next time* crap. Even though my skids treat me as though I don't exist, it still pains me to know they have not been taught any social graces whatsoever and have NO CLUE how to ride out the storms (currently, they just "quit" when the going gets tough) that life throws at you.
I've decided that once my youngest bio goes to college, we're buying an RV and staying light on our feet. That way we can take off under cover of darkness if rumor has it one of the skids needs a place to bunk. haha
Now that is a great idea! You
Now that is a great idea! You gave me something to think of for retirement.