Cant even imagine what u are going thru. SS17 comes over this weekend and I will make I am not around to even see his face because I cannot bear to even look at him after all the trouble he has caused in my life

5 years ago when I met my SO I was delighted to get a SS (12 at time) and I treated him the best way I could. I organised holidays and gave presents that I knew he would like. BF totally trashed me whenever he could, but I never critised his BF despite constant problems. Then when SO and I bought a home together when SS was 15 going on 16, he become hostile and told many awful lies to all of SOs family and friends, it tooks months before we even found out. He was aggressive, hostile and rude to me and horrible to his BM. So I finally said no more last year and told him that was it, we were done and he was now on his own with no support from me. He comes over every second weekend and I make sure I am too busy to be around. His BM who thought he was the perfect son now sees who he really is and is heartbroken. When I detached she had to deal with him totally on her own and began to see badly he treated her and his total disregard for anybody else, without the distraction of defending him to me. Now our relationship is getting better all the time and she is working on her grief at the way her adored son has turned out. Detaching was the best solution for me, tho I know it is not possible for everybody.

Wow!! This sounds exactly like my life except we only have 1 child each!! My BD14 and SS14 are NOT held to the same standards!! SS gets away with anything and everything and if I say something I too am "picking" on his kid!!

I am so very frustrated as are you!! I also have also begun to dislike my SS and I know for a fact it is DH fault!! If he would only parent his kid the same way as mine it would be great!! My BD is expected to stay on the honor roll, SS gets a high five when he gets a D. He flunks and there are no consequences!! He lies and gets caught and nothing happens!! He has stolen and DH makes excuses for his behavior!! It makes me want to throw up!! There are days when I feel like punching SS upside the head just for existing!! (uh for the record I never would)

I have had to disengage for the most part just to get through life! I tell my daughter that she will be raised the same way she has from birth regardless of what SS does. The rules I enforce for her are there for a reason and she knows it! I am proud of my daughter and I seriously doubt DH can say that about his kid!!

Good luck to you!!

I highly doubt there will be anyone here that will judge you for what you said. We all -- if not always, atleast at times -- despise our stepchildren even if they are CHILDREN. I myself have my ranges. I hit an all-time low of skid hatred during my pregnancy and shortly after. Now that I feel better about things I'm wondering if I was dealing with some post partum depression.

I totally agree with you on the double standard and have been told that I "pick on" the skids sometimes by FDH. He told me a few months ago that I just need to "let things go" and "give them a break" so that they enjoy coming to our house. BUT, I refuse. They will learn how to act at our household just as they need to learn how to act in many different settings in their lives (you don't go screaming in a library or running in a hallway at school, etc). And I'm raising skids the SAME way I will raise our biological child. I'm hoping that as our BS gets older it won't become even more of an issue that I "pick on" his kids because I could totally see our son being well-behaved and not needing all the reprimands becuase he's been raised consistently, and the skids needing constant reminders. I guess we'll see what happens.

First let me start by from the get go saying ... My SS-19 is an OC in our home and always has been. He is the oldest of 4 OOWL spawn by three different baby mamas in SpermLand. I became his dad when he was 1yo and have raised him as my own.

I have no personal experience in what you are struggling with other than having been raised in a home with three boys and seeing how my own parents dealt with this.

I would say that you need to tell your DH exactly what you said in the part you are ashamed of with one caveat.....

You need to tell him that HIS behavior makes you severely dislike HIS children and makes you dread them visiting. I would also give him absolute clarity that if HE does not step up and parent them rather than being their "buddy" and DisneyDad that it could have terminal consequences for your marriage because you will not tolerate either of YOUR children being raised under his double standard.

Your DH needs a firm and even brutal reminder that his job as a parent is to be the example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian to all of the children in the home and not their buddy, their friend, their bank or entertainer. He can become their friend when they reach viable adulthood and have earned his friendship and he theirs. He will not earn their friendship unless he learns and lives his role as their father.

In an NCP situation it is even more imperitive that he consistently enforce the rules and the consequences.

I also want to point out that though the household rules and consequences should be consistent, it is imperitive that you both parent each kid in an appropriate manner to their age and individual differences. A 9yo should have different standards of behavior consequences than a 7yo, a 4yo and an infant.

All IMO of course.

I wonder if your initial appreciation of his wonderful loving parenting and love for his kids was what you wanted so much for your son that what you THOUGHT was an equal ideal actually..wasn't.

I talked long and hard with my DH before marrying him. And the one thing I found to be true through and through was how THEY were brought up and how THEIR family dynamic is. Even looking at my Ex. He was an only child and his parents were absent from his life more or less since he was 16 and they left him in New Zealand at 16 and returned to Australia. They now lived 4 hrs by plane from their only son and allowed him to live on his own. Who the hell DOES that? His father was an executive and hos mother a SAH... well she wasn't Mum anymore was she...?

Did your DH talk about the crappy things his kids did and roll his eyes and wonder how he would survive it? That was a big clue about my DH. He knew his sons were human and likely to put him in an early grave with their exploits. But the next day he would get up and start all over again loving his sons.

I also saw the way his family dynamic worked and it reminded me of my own. A strong mother who loved her kids, warts and all. Who had high expectations of her grandchildren and loved them all nonetheless. Much like my own mother and father. I am lucky enough to still have both my parents, his fahter died 10 yrs before we met.

I think you need to point out that allowing his kids to get away with things he does not allow your son to do will drive a wedge between you all. It isn't about his kids, his kids are fine. It is the way HE reacts to common misdimeanors all around. He should listen to you then because it isn't his KIDS but HIM that is causing the problem.

Or suggest couples counselling. And frankly, you did the right thing sending her to her room. As for his comments, just shrug and say "Well i understood NO ONE including us were able to get away with that." If you keep bringing it around to HIM and YOU rather than his kids and your son it might stick.

In certain ways, i can totally understand where you come from, I have 3 stepsons (for the past 8yrs) there have been time b/c of their biomom and all the BS she has done, that when they come over i couldn't stand them. I always had to remind myself that they are children and it is not their fault..i even took myself to therepy to be able to vent. I still have my moments of not trusting them and so forth...don't feel bad about your thoughts, they are normal, you just have to remember that it is NOT their fault.
On the other hand, YOUR son, will always be your son, no one will ever stand up for him EXCEPT YOU. I believe the kids come first above all. and if you feel your husband does not love or like him then you absolutly need to put your foot down. It is not fair to him, he did not choose this life, it is better for him to have no father, then a step-father that puts him down and give him low self esteem, he is the only one that will suffer LIFE LONG trauma because of this and in the end will have resentment with you for you not choosing him over you husband..I know this b/c that is what I went thru with my own father and stepmom.

I have to hand it to you for dealing with it. I am not married. I have to usually take a break. But I realize you cannot. Most people tell me the kids will come around in time. But I wonder. I guess limit your time when they are acting up. I will remove myself from the situation. I will not do anything for them as I would if they were behaving; and respectful. I don't reward negative behavior regardless of whether it is my children or his children. It's a simple concept they must learn in life...follow the rules, or suffer the consequences.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have grown to hate my skids as well. They aren't necessarily bad, but to DH they are PERFECT. I have dubbed them the "Perfect Preciouses" While my skids aren't really behavioral issues (other than SD13 stealing my clothes) I get more annoyed because they are lazy and think that the world should revolve around them. Every time there is an incident where skids are blatently out of line, DH rides in on his white horse and the excuse is ALWAYS.."Oh, they are just kids, they don't think about things, they are in their own little world." But DH scolds BS1 for having a toddler moment(tantrum)??? Um if anyone gets to use the "he's just a kid" excuse I should think it would be the ONE YEAR OLD! Not really sure how DH's brain works on this level and so my hate for skids continues to grow.

I think alot of my problem also is that I LOATHE BMs, they are both trailer trash, needy, low life scum suckers who continually make our life hell. I know it's not the skids fault but through circular reference I think my brain has decided that if it weren't for skids we wouldn't have to deal with these nasty bitches.

DH gets mad if I say anything REMOTELY negative about the skids and accuses me of hating them, so that just adds to my hate, because I feel like I have to bite my tongue all the time or we are going to have to have this stupid "you just hate my kids" discussion for the bazillionth time.

I really don't have any answers for you as I am still trying to find ways to deal with my own crappy feelings, but know that you are not alone.. sometimes that helps!