Dammit!! I couldn't do it!!! Just a vent.
After days and days of fighting we were finally able to sit down and talk. It is much nicer to chat instead of argue... but I knew, I just knew he'd tell me everything I wanted to hear!! AND I WENT FOR IT!!!!
I do love him so it's hard to just walk away. And he did tell me he understood and I'm really hoping that he gets just how serious I am about hating his kids because I want to move out... I hope that tells him how serious I am and I'm not just exagerating or trying to push buttons.
He says he'll try harder to be a responsible parent instead of just the "fun dad" which is what really sickens me. He doesn't help them or force them to look after their own personal hygiene. It makes me cringe! He ignores any school issue because that is a problem for the BM and school. He lets them eat too much all the time to the point of being sick. They are both overweight yet he takes them for fast food for each and every meal. I told him all this has to change. From an outside perspective, he can be doing things totally different!!! And maybe it won't make the boys super happy to be eating a salad once in a while... the longterm effects can last a lifetime!! Explain calories to them!! They are 11 and 9.. they'll get it!! Explain that eating all of their daily intake of calories in one meal for every meal and NOT excercising is really bad for them!! They will be teased, they will be unhealthy... not things anyone should want for their child. But it's easier for SO to ignore those things and give them a large bag of chips to share because it will keep them quiet and busy for awhile because they won't stop until the chips are gone.
Lately I've notice SO giving his kids things of mine because they either want it or SO just thinks they want it and lends it to them.. My pillows off my bed, my ballglove and my air mattress. I told SO how the thought of sharing my things with his kids makes me feel sick. THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS!!! I DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY AS YOU DO!!!!! I don't EVER want to share my things with your kids. EVER. I think he got my point. I had already found my ballglove packed in their camping stuff and took it back before they left and SO went out and bought me new pillows. The air mattress being used by a bed wetter??? I don't think I'll be going camping this year anyway.
I lost it on him that all his spare time and money is spent on his kids. What kind of future does that leave for me?!?!?? Can I expect to ever get married when he has had no money left over for the past 2 years already and keeps going further in debt?? How will he ever afford a ring or wedding if there is no money for even his share of the groceries!?!?!? And what kind of future is it for me when he goes on vacations with his kids while I stay home?!?!!? No way will I ever go with them again!!! So he gets holidays and I don't??? I'll probably go away with my sisters this winter... but I want to spend time with SO. I don't want all of his vacation time gone because he spends it with his kids. I get that they are his kids and he loves them... but that leaves no room for a girlfriend then!!!
I wish guys with kids that will always put them first and the girlfriend second would just save everyone the heartache and not date until the kids are adults.
I told SO I have disengaged and that I want absolutely nothing to do with his kids. He wants to bring his kids here, he will damn well do everything for them and pay for everything. Under no circumstances will I ever babysit if he can't be here. If he can't be here, don't bring kids here. They are not mine to be responsible for. And it defeats the purpose of having his kids if he can't even spend time with them!!
Long story short. I was totally honest. I don't like his kids. I will never feel towards them like he does and he has to start acknoweldging that not everyone will think his kids are cute, smart, funny and all those other things that he only sees with his rose colored glasses. I don't like his kids being here. I don't like them even sitting on my couch. I hate that they are constantly underfoot and I will make sure I'm working when it is their weekend here so I can make sure to see them for barely a minute out of the whole weekend. He has to start saying "No" to his Ex when it comes to switching weekends so we end up with them for every single long weekend. Every.Single.Long.Weekend. I don't want them for the week of Christmas to New Years again for the third year in a row.... I just don't want them all the time!! If he can't understand that or do it, then don't date me!!! I told him I don't like kids!! I'm not making him choose between me or his kids,,, but it does have to be more fair!! It is very one sided right now. He does things for him and his kids and doesn't even tell me if the schedule changes!! He needs to think more about the household. Less about pleasing the Ex.
End rant.
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Comments
I know if you live with SO or
I know if you live with SO or he lives with you and share bills..then it is hard to leave but...if you are able to move out or ask him to leave (if you can afford to do it on your own) then do that.
I understand you love or like your SO but do you really see a future with him? Regardless if his kids are adults or not, they will always be around somewhat, visiting or lose their job and come home to get back on their feet or whatever.
It seems like you are more unhappy than happy and you have to create happiness in your life. That sucks you can't spend time with your SO on holidays or that he never has any money.
My SO and I moved in together in late Jan 2012. I moved from out of state (We did long distance relationship for over a year prior) I left my comfortable independent lifestyle, quit my job and moved. I am currently not working--looking for work and he pays 90% of the bills and we are OK. I do like/love his kids even when they get on my nerves. It is still VERY hard for me to get accustomed to my situation on bad days..but good days are great. I do not know HOW MANY times I have wanted to pack up and go back home.. to where though? a relatives? friends? That would suck too!
Money issues--yeah...we get them at times... he spends money like it is water at times and I have to be a money Nazi and stay on his ass but he asked me to stay on it because he knows he sucks with money. The choosing the kids over you sucks and sometimes I feel the same way but he tries very hard to make time for us and since I am used to being alone (prior to moving) when I want to be alone I leave or go into our bedroom so he can be with the kids and have daddy time.
If he gives them something of mine without my permission I will bitch.....He has not done that to me. How rude though if he did!
Does he do things that piss me off? Yep....
Does his Dumb Bitch Ex try to control him still? Oh yeah...
Do his kids try to play sides? Sometimes..but it gets cut out quickly
Are his kids picky eaters? Hell yes
Is all the chaos of dating a Man with kids worth it? Yeah--to me it is..but it is not for everyone.
WOW. I can see the
WOW. I can see the frustration oozing out of that post. It is very VERY selfish, unfair, and not to mention poor parenting for him to act the way he is acting. I'm going through a "I'm not going to be second" battle with my SO too. He isn;t as bad of a disney dad as your SO, but it still pisses me off and i feel very similar to the way you do.
I hate the rose colored glasses these guys wear when it comes to their kids. and NO WAY should you ever come second!!! This is what I'm battling. No woman is ever going to stay in a relationship when she is constantly put second to her SO's kids. UGH..he gives them your PILLOWS?!! NO WAY. I can't stand when SS10 sleeps in OUR bed sometimes on the very RARE RARE occassion we go out and leave the kids at home. It grosses me out and makes me feel weird. Ummm hellooooo, we do THINGS in that bed and I don't want your flippin kid sleeping in it or on my pillow at all! I agree totally with you.
And WOW, has he ever heard of a home cooked meal??! I'm sure the kids would much rather have home cooked meals than get fat and clogged arteries from that garbage they call food at McDonalds. Have him watch Fast Food Nation..maybe he'll think twice about the kind of nutrition he's giving his kids.
This has been going on for 3 years?? You need to put your foot down about the switching of weekends..that's BS.. You two need your time and if BM can't spend her weekends with them, then she should ask the grandparents or whomeever to watch them. That would erk me to no end, it would especially erk me if my plans had to be cancelled as a result.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this frustration. I hope it gets better. I'm learning more and more everyday of how these relationships work and sometimes I just go in the bathroom and have a good cry LOL.. (not to say my relationship is bad, but i think its the nature of the beast that they can get overhwleming at times).
Sounds like you're really close to the last straw. In the end, you need to take care of yourself. I'm not engaged yet either..if I was with my SO for 3 years and still didn't have a ring, and he wasn't saving ANYTHING...wow I'd be pissed and ready to walk out the door. What is he waiting for?! UGH..MEN...I hope it all works out!
Just read a few of your prior
Just read a few of your prior posts..... Maybe just try a separation first and see if that works... I know it sucks to change your life and leave someone you care for.
also---10year old pees the bed? Well--that does happen...my cousin did at night til he was 12 but...that needs the BM and your SO working on that...to work with the 10yr old pee before bed, wear a pull up or pee cover on mattress...something!
Just a thought about the
Just a thought about the peeing the bed at 10- get an alarm for the kid to go off twice a night- so that he can get himself up & used to going to the bathroom during the night. Make sure he goes every night before he gets in bed as well. It worked for my cousins kids.
I'm sorry your going thru all of this girl!!! He needs a real coming to Jesus moment. My DH used to do the same crap. Spend all his money when the kids were here-- until I cut him off financially. I no longer will pay for groceries that they'll eat up in record time. We no longer go out to eat or fast food while they are here either- cause I quit paying for that too- nope hamburger helper does just fine. Heck I won't even cook for them anymore cause they'd bitch & moan all the time & that got old real fast!!!
Set perameters girl!! He made a commitment to you as well!!!! Hope he gets his head outta his butt real soon!!
Couple things I haven't
Couple things I haven't updated... *both* boys now wet the bed. We can't set an alarm for them to wake up on their own because they are disgustingly deep sleepers that will either not hear it or just turn it off and go back to bed. We found the only way to keep their beds dry is for SO to set an alarm and get up himself and go physically wake up both kids to go to the bathroom. There were a lot of fights and tears involved in me making him see the light in how important it is that he do that for them! He used to "forget" to set his alarm!!! How freakin' unbelieveable that was for me to hear that from him!! After one of our last fights... he will never forget that again!!
I stopped buying any groceries for his kids. They eat it all. Within a day if they can. SO now buys all groceries for his kids. This came with me disengaging. I told SO I wanted nothing to do with his kids and with that means I want to buy NOTHING for them. Nothing at all. I don't eat with them anymore because SO doesn't follow up on their table manners and it drives me crazy. I have recently had it out with SO about all of those issues. I expect lots from him in the coming weeks. If there are no changes, then I will be the one to change. I can't live in misery anymore and having his kids here and how he "doesn't parent" is what causes my misery!! The kids aren't bad. They just need more guidance and he doesn't think he should be the one to do it. I'll be the one to disagree with that!! He gave them life... he can teach them manners!!!
Holy shit! I could have
Holy shit! I could have typed this blog/rant myself!