Coddling a 30 year old
Long story short; married for 22 years to DH who has a 30yo son. SS has been coddled all his life, a total loser, never worked an honest job in his life, BM pays his rent, DH buys him groceries and gives him spending money. The young man is the epitome of what a loser is. Does not have a job, can't find a girlfriend, (what sane young woman would hitch her wagon to a man like him), his personal hygiene is deplorable, (he absolutely stinks), so DH diagnosed the problem and came up with a brilliant solution that SS is balding that is what keeps him from having a relationship, so they (BM and DH collectively) paid for a hairtransplant for him. I still can't get over that one, anyways, we bought him a car when he was 22, he completely destroyed it in 2 years, I had to pay his parking tickets, fines and got his car out of the pound no less than 3 times until finally I said no more. I had an SUV I wanted to sell, DH badgered me to give it to SS, which I did transfer the titled to the car to SS about 8 months ago, yup you guessed it, he destroyed it to the point where the mechanic says it is not worth the cost to fix it. I would be amiss to mention I had to take the car to the mechanic SS simply ditched in a place off the freeway where it broke down while he was on his way to the airport to visit his BM.
SS does not have a license to drive, as it got suspened and needs to pay 3K to get it back. DH wants me to bail him out again. Here is the best part I am the main bread winner in the family. I have a good job, but we are not rolling in dough, Yet DH has zero problems demanding that I pitch in to support his lazy, loser son.
Had a talk with DH this morning, and while he admitted that his son has "issues", he attributed that to the fact that we were not wealthy two decades ago, poor son had to sleep on the couch for the first two years when he came over to visit him, and we were unable to provide him with a room of his own until we got into a better financial position. Mind you, SS lived in another state and came out to visit DH every 10 weeks. We had paid all of his travel expenses and entertainment that naturally accompanied these visits. If we would have added the travel cost into what we spent on housing, SS would have had his own bedroom and still could have visitied 2-3x a year. SS grew up in a middle class family, both DH and BM had resources, and by no means were we poor, but SS still cries that he lived in a poor family. I lived in a refugee camp as a child, trust me I know what it means to grow up poor, and SS was NOT poor.
Anyways, I am just at the end of my wits, not with SS -I have disengaged from him years ago when he told me to fuck myself and I owe him to help him out financially (he was 24 at that time),- my frustration is with DH. I just realized he seriously believes that we have failed SS because we did not provide him with his own room for 2 years so we owe it to him to take care of him for the rest of his life. SS was kicked out of BM's house when he was 16, and came to live with us, we moved into one of the best areas in our county, so we could send him to the best highschool. He barely graduated; I had to pay for his tutoring and shuttle him to make up classes otherwise he would have never gotten a highschool diploma. Then he had the great idea to apply to the most prestigious colleges in the area because he and DH truly believed that SS is gifted he is just "misunderstood". Of course he was turned down by all those colleges, he had a 2.4 GPA and that is with tutoring and extra makeup classes. DH still thinks his child is gifted, if only were given the right resources he'd be a celebrity or something.
When I try to explain to DH that all the hardship and the ability to face them and gain coping skills is what allowed me to be where I am in life, and that SS has never had to learn any responsiblity is what makes him the man that he is today, DH gets angry and aggressive, yelling that I don't understand and that I am unreasonable and the conversation just gets into a argument.
I am at wits end with DH. He is a good person, albeit can be a drama king at times- but overall an intelligent and resonable person, but when it is about SS, it is like his frontal lobe completely shuts down and he can only think with his amygdala.
I am tired of all the drama and manipulation and the lies covering SS fuckups, I am just tired and completely ran out of coping skills. Not sure what to do here.
Separate your finances, keep
Separate your finances, keep a joint account just for your respective shares of the household expenses, and let DH know he can spend what's left of HIS money on SS but you will no longer be supporting him.
^^^THIS!!^^^
"He is a good person, albeit can be a drama king at times- but overall an intelligent and reasonable person, BUT." And there will always be a 'BUT' until you until you understand that a "Good person" or a "Good Husband" would not be demanding something so unreasonable from you. You are not SS's BM. You owe neither SS OR DH anything. As Tog suggested, separate finances now, create a budget that is equally funded, and inform DH that there will be no more discussions about SS or any money from you. Period. You need to set financial and emotional boundaries for both SS AND DH.
If DH continues to have his temper tantrums maybe you should ask yourself if this is as "Good" of a man as you have been giving him credit for.
Appreciate the feedbacks
Separating finances is not feasible, I am the only bread winner; DH has not had a money making job for the past 6 years, so I am the only one who is bringing in the dough. Unfortunately we live in a community property state, so what is mine is also his :(
With that said, you made a good point, that DH armour is perhaps not as shiny as I want to believe it to be.
Still ----
You can STILL tell DH you are no longer funding SS. This is not your obligation - even in a community state. Is DH unable to work due to health issues? If not, something is not quite right. Visit a lawyer. When I was contemplating getting a divorce from DH, we lived in a community property state. I found out I had more rights to my money than originally thought.
We also lived in a community
We also lived in a community property State and do now. It does not stop you from controlling the spending.
No - it's a communal property
No - it's a community property state IF you divorce. If you are the breadwinner, open a separate account, and only give him what you think is fair for an "allowance". Husbands did that to wives for many decades, it's not against the law. He does NOT have an equal right to your income while you are married. The law doesn't say you have to give him a joint account. So don't.
If he can't respect your right not to fund his grown-up man-baby, then kick him off the account. People have done that to spouses since the start of time, due to poor spending habits.
You have gone WAY above and
You have gone WAY above and beyond what most people would do for their OWN children. If DH wants to throw money away on his worthless waste of space of a son, tell him to get out there and effing EARN it! And stop throwing good money at a bottomless pit! His son is not, repeat NOT, your responsibility.
You can close all joint $$
You can close all joint $$$accounts and put them in your name only. Then stand your ground and tell them all, "it stops here". I did this with younger grown SS. I cut ALL purse strings and kicked him out to BM 33 years ago.
Not an easy task, but it is behind us now. We still struggle with SS54, but I WILL NOT stand down. He gets nothing but dh's time now.
"Ya but."
"Ya but." This is just an "ya but". "Ya but" is the death nell of effectively addressing issues. Community property just means that in the event that you and DH split the blanket that you both walk with half. While you are married you don't have to share crap with him. So, open an account in your name only and have all of your income deposited to that account. You pay all of the bills and give DH an allowance. That is all he gets. If he spends it on his son... then he spends it on his son. Make it very modest so that he can't fund his son's crap beyond a $20 bill here and there.
If you don't change how you are managing this, nothing will change.
Don't "ya but" your way into the Die while you are waiting to live club.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
Separating finances is not
Separating finances is not feasible, I am the only bread winner; DH has not had a money making job for the past 6 years, so I am the only one who is bringing in the dough
As you are the only bread winner, you are the only one who gets to decide where to spend your money, and that is NOT on your husband's son.
Why are you allowing yourself to be used like this?
DH has not had a money
Stop coddling DH. Tell him that once he gets a job, pays half of joint expenses, and takes care of his personal needs, then, and only then, he can give money to his son. Tell him the wife bank, the bank of SM, is permanently closed. Close it and don't open it again.
My DH has a minimal income.
My DH has a minimal income. I don't have all that great of a retirement income - but I do have substantial retirement accounts. My money allows DH to have a MUCH better life style than he would on his own. But that does not include subsidizing stepsh*t SS34. My DH's name is on NONE of my assets.
I lived in community property states for almost all of my adult life. Tog is right - it's communal when you DIVORCE. He has no right to your income (except what you choose to share) while you are still married.
I'm so sorry but I was
I'm so sorry but I was laughing while reading your post because it's so familiar. I think ss33 and your ss30 are soul siblings. Also my DH has said the same thing about how gifted ss33 is and how he's so misunderstood by EVERYBODY. I really want to tell DH, "ss isn't misunderstood, he's just an @shwhole." SS even screamed at DH that he would be a top race car driver right now if DH had let him have lessons when he was younger.
I do comiserate with you but please realize that you are the one funding all of this nonsense. Learn to disengage, live YOUR life and leave DH and his son to each other.
I don’t have any advice but
I don’t have any advice but read your story and wanted to say, stay strong, keep telling DH your thoughts and feelings it might get through. We no longer fund Ss28 at all, not even a small loan since we found out he owes BM thousands, lives with her and bullies her. Not funding adults, we have our own lives to lead
You have all the power - if
You have all the power - if you would take it back and stop enabling the enabler. Father, BM and son are all sick together, and your money fuels their illness.
Your H will continue to use you as long as you let him, so if you really want things to change, change yourself first. Find your spine, cut off the money, and stop being part of the problem.
"so they (BM and DH
"so they (BM and DH collectively) paid for a hairtransplant for him."
If DH has no income, you paid for a hairtransplant.
This had a very simple solution and you know what it is. You are the only person to blame. Stop enabling DH and he will either leave you or he will stop enabling SS.
Thank you!
Thank you for all your feedbacks, you are absolutely right I enable all this lunacy and am 100% for how things turned out with DH and SS. It is time for a change and that change has to start with me!. Thanks for your support!
Wow I so feel you on how DH
Wow I so feel you on how DH gets defensive every time you suggest stopping enabling him, or trying to make him accountbale- or ANY suggestion that he is less than perfect. I liked the way you described how it's like he is using a different part of his brain. Mine also gets unreasonably, out-of-proportion angry if these subjects are raised. I also have been the prinary breadwinner and DH and his dad have taken advantage of the luxuries I have afforded them.
I mostly want to say I relate, and it's more than fair for you to set limits on expenditures.
Best of luck. You are not alone!