Long story short; married for 22 years to DH who has a 30yo son. SS has been coddled all his life, a total loser, never worked an honest job in his life, BM pays his rent, DH buys him groceries and gives him spending money. The young man is the epitome of what a loser is. Does not have a job, can't find a girlfriend, (what sane young woman would hitch her wagon to a man like him), his personal hygiene is deplorable, (he absolutely stinks), so DH diagnosed the problem and came up with a brilliant solution that SS is balding that is what keeps him from having a relationship, so they (BM and DH collectively) paid for a hairtransplant for him. I still can't get over that one, anyways, we bought him a car when he was 22, he completely destroyed it in 2 years, I had to pay his parking tickets, fines and got his car out of the pound no less than 3 times until finally I said no more. I had an SUV I wanted to sell, DH badgered me to give it to SS, which I did transfer the titled to the car to SS about 8 months ago, yup you guessed it, he destroyed it to the point where the mechanic says it is not worth the cost to fix it. I would be amiss to mention I had to take the car to the mechanic SS simply ditched in a place off the freeway where it broke down while he was on his way to the airport to visit his BM.

SS does not have a license to drive, as it got suspened and needs to pay 3K to get it back. DH wants me to bail him out again. Here is the best part I am the main bread winner in the family. I have a good job, but we are not rolling in dough, Yet DH has zero problems demanding that I pitch in to support his lazy, loser son. 

Had a talk with DH this morning, and while he admitted that his son has "issues", he attributed that to the fact that we were not wealthy two decades ago, poor son had to sleep on the couch for the first two years when he came over to visit him, and we were unable to provide him with a room of his own until we got into a better financial position. Mind you, SS lived in another state and came out to visit DH every 10 weeks. We had paid all of his travel expenses and entertainment that naturally accompanied these visits. If we would have added the travel cost into what we spent on housing, SS would have had his own bedroom and still could have visitied 2-3x a year. SS grew up in a middle class family, both DH and BM had resources, and by no means were we poor, but SS still cries that he lived in a poor family. I lived in a refugee camp as a child, trust me I know what it means to grow up poor, and SS was NOT poor. 

Anyways, I am just at the end of my wits, not with SS -I have disengaged from him years ago when he told me to fuck myself and I owe him to help him out financially (he was 24 at that time),- my frustration is with DH. I just realized he seriously believes that we have failed SS because we did not provide him with his own room for 2 years so we owe it to him to take care of him for the rest of his life. SS was kicked out of BM's house when he was 16, and came to live with us, we moved into one of the best areas in our county, so we could send him to the best highschool. He barely graduated; I had to pay for his tutoring and shuttle him to make up classes otherwise he would have never gotten a highschool diploma. Then he had the great idea to apply to the most prestigious colleges in the area because he and DH truly believed that SS is gifted he is just "misunderstood". Of course he was turned down by all those colleges, he had a 2.4 GPA and that is with tutoring and extra makeup classes. DH still thinks his child is gifted, if only were given the right resources he'd be a celebrity or something. 

When I try to explain to DH that  all the hardship and the ability to face them and gain coping skills is what allowed me to be where I am in life, and that SS has never had to learn any responsiblity is what makes him the man that he is today, DH gets angry and aggressive, yelling that I don't understand and that I am unreasonable and the conversation just gets into a argument.

I am at wits end with DH. He is a good person, albeit can be a drama king at times- but overall an intelligent and resonable person, but when it is about SS, it is like his frontal lobe completely shuts down and he can only think with his amygdala.

I am tired of all the drama and manipulation and the lies covering SS fuckups, I am just tired and completely ran out of coping skills.  Not sure what to do here.