But it is a combination of permissive parenting and the personality of the kid that makes them behave the way they do. I have seen kids who had permissive parents that turned out fine simply because they (kids) were not manipulative narccistic people. My own story involves a SD that is jealous, manipulative, and has no empathy. She is wired this way so no matter how what I tried to do or how much her dad did/does for her it will never be enough. She never liked me and never will. I just recently gave it to God and basically cut her out of my life completely. It was the best for both of us. I do not interfere with her and DH's relationship as long as it doesn't involve me. She has never been held accountable for her actions nor would she ever admit fault. It is always everyone elses fault for anything she does.

So basically it is hard to say at what age a child should be accountable. I held my own BC's accountable as soon as they could understand right from wrong.

I’m not sure it’s right to say anything definitively, because everyone’s situation is different. But I think in most cases I’d agree with you.

DH’s daughter is 15 and recently pulled a stunt (alongside her mother), where she started talking to DH after years of silence (alienated most of her life). DH was ecstatic. Only to find out this new contact was a ploy for money, and when DH said no, his daughter went radio silent again.

In this case, I of course blame her POS PAS’ing mother, but at 15 I also blame this kid. She should know right from wrong by now, and I’ve lost all interest in ever welcoming her into our home as a result. She’s old enough to be a decent person, and at this point (maybe she’ll change?) she apparently is not.

I was just thinking about this today, in terms of the PAS and the way SS19 treats DH.

When he was younger, I felt like he was manipulated by BM and felt he had to take her side. Now I think he's equally to blame for all the crap BM sends DH's way, because he enables, supports and profits from it. 

I can't give a percentage, though, it depends on a lot of factors.

I can agree with these as a general theoretical basis for accountability. To me, each situation, action or circumstance still needs to be evaluated individually and looked at in an age-appropriate context.  My own son is 13, and the basis of his character is probably already set with how he needs to deal with responsibility and accountabilty. 

Idk about the percentages but I'd say that regardless of if there is an outside influence or not kids need to start being taught accountability by the time the are starting school. So basically even if BM or another kid or whoever influenced them they need to have it explained that when they made that choice they also have consequences that go along with it.

Of course that is alot more difficult if both parents are causing the issue since it's less likely someone is going to explain that to them. 

I will also say that my 8 year old was recently trying to blame his teachers for some of his behavior and he knew better so even with being behind socially. So I'd say the percentages are higher than listed. I think the ability to really understand the consequences of some situations is less though and comes more with maturity. So they might understand what they are doing is wrong but not fully get the results of it.

 I agree with the percentages breakdown...give or take a few percentage points either way. I do agree with what someone else said that the event itself should be taken into consideration and evaluated individually. I have two SS's. The oldest is 18 and the other is 14. Both are judgmental, maniupulative, disrespectful and liars. Oh, and both are thiefs. So, I think the usual standard for a child to know the difference between right and wrong is 9 yrs old. But, we have to look at whatever the situation is at hand and factor in the facts from that and weigh it against the Skid's age & what they are capable of.  I think when the oldest was 14/15ish, he was stealing from BM & StepDad...and although he didn't outright admit stealing from me, I saw the look on his face when I said that I didn't want to know if he stole money from me. THAT told me he did. So, in that situation, he knew better and was 100% responsible for his actions at 14/15. The SS14, he has lied to me and DH about not being in the school band (this was when he was 12), well, DH called the band teacher and got the REAL story. So, in that situation, he lied and blamed the teacher, the school, his mom...when it was ALL him. In that situation, I would say he was 100% responsible b/c he knew what he was doing and manipulated the facts and lied. So, even if one SS was 12 at the time vs. the other being 15, in those two situations, it was clear they KNEW better. Gotta weigh the age vs. capability vs. the issue/event and throw in some good ole fashion common sense !! 

I have a 27SD and 29SD and they still are not accountable.  Everything is everyone eles's fault.  I think they are the outliers on this one.  LOL

DADDEEEE has been very permissive in his parenting role in the past which has created these monsters.  Their mother is just as much to blame.  I am trying to hard to disengage but I know when the 27SD comes to visit Daddeee she will be attempting to "mark her territory".  I'm trying to not let them get to me but It is so hard to take this treatment without saying anything....  Although by not saying anything is saying a lot...

Kids should be held accountable at the earliest age possible. Life doesnt start when you turn 18. A job doesnt give a f*** how you were raised, it demands you meet expectations or sends you packing. The real world is what parents should prep their kids for.  Sadly parents are part of the problem.

It is always a mix.  Regardless of the age of the kid (beyond the toddler years) I mix the blame on the parents and the kids.  How you have quantified that is reasonable I think.

I think this breakdown is pretty good. 

I'd say that kids can start choosing how to behave (or not behave) younger than 5, though. I might start giving them 10% responsibility at age 3, honestly. That's when kids first start expressing will and defiance, in my experience. You can be a great parent and still have a willful 3-year-old...the trick is to focus and direct that energy...

I've been wondering about this myself. My SSs (almost 13 year old twins) both go home and give BM the play-by-play of everything we did during their weekend with DH. This allows BM to send DH nasty messages saying how she objects to one thing or another that we did and how she cannot believe he would do x, y, z without consulting her first and how SSs (who did not complain at all or exhibit any signs of distress) were "unhappy and uncomfortable" at whatever they did with DH. This used to involve her trying to pry into DH's personal life (e.g. "the boys told me you are buying a Lexus", when DH says no, he's buying a 14 year old car, just like his old one, BM insists, "that's not what they told me!" as if DH is lying), although now DH is at least smart enough not to share too much with SSs. 

My view is that now that SSs are almost teenagers, they are starting to become complicit in BM's drama because instead of shrugging and saying, "I don't know" when BM grills them, they give her all the details. The one SS who I think shares everything, also makes it a habit to call BM whenever he is upset with DH or can't do what he wants at our house. In response, BM texts DH to tell him that SS never likes being at our house and he feels too uncomfortable to tell DH how much he doesn't like being around him. DH has said to this SS that he needs to stop trying to cause drama between DH and BM. We even told them "no phones allowed" for several weekends. The only thing that stopped this madness is BM threatened to take DH to court, so we now have a lawyer and BM knows that whatever crazy texts or emails she sends will be shared directly with the lawyer. 

Despite all this, I find it really difficult not to resent this SS who is so wrapped around BM's finger that he can't even allow himself to enjoy his time with his dad. I also find it awkward to have to watch what I say and do when SSs are around, because they are both little spies, despite the fact that they have sworn one another to secrecy over what goes on at BM's house. The SS who is attached at the hip with BM once started to say something about what goes on at BM's house and the other one shouted, "DON'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPEN AT HOME!"

Depends on the child, I don’t think all children develop at the same rate.