I never thought I need to do this but I'm really frustrated and need some space to vent.

SD moved in with us about 1.5 yrs ago. We was living with a "psychotic" mom in Europe, who has a suicidal history. She claims she was abused by BM when she was younger - locked out in a dark room, slapped with flip-flops, drop on the floor through the room, etc. Some of these stuffs may be true, I cannot verify. All I know is that BM is a great liar - verified this because BMs ex-bf was contacting my husband about some historical facts and she pretty much twisted every story. Big saga, BM, ex-bf and ex-bf's wife!!!

So, being her mom's daughter, she has a history of self-harm and drama. She moved into our home without a proper winter coat, shoes, some sweaters, a handful of socks, underwear and bra. I cannot believe a 16 yr old has only 3 pairs of socks, 3 sets of bra and maybe 5 underwears. Apparently mom was so broke, they had to share. Well, of course she is broke - she hardly worked the past 5 years and continued moving around Europe, living off government money and kids support. But she has money to doll up and fly to UK to stalk ex-bf! So, my husband spent more than a thousand flying her over, and setting her up with proper attire to survive here.

Since then, she has been living a good live, getting weekly allowances and she probably goes shopping more often than I do. Her closet is now full of clothes she doesn't wash and spread over her entire room! When she just moved in, she behaves like she is entitled and not helping out at home. DH told her off and she got into the habit of doing the floors weekly. She is supposed to clear the dishwasher - each time, she will say - I didn't know it's clean (so, I will just conveniently leave it for her, or DH, and let DH work it out with her). Each day, she will hide in her room during dinner time. My little ones have to go to her room to invite her. The little ones set the table waiting for princess to come down. She will only do this when daddy is around.

So, now here are the issues I am having;

1. She is filthy. Her room - MESS! I only have 1 word for it. She will eat / drink in the room (soup, snack, wings, soda - anything) and leave those stuffs in her room for weeks!! Yes, I saw a bowl of hardened soup in her room, empty boxes of wings, packet drinks, soda. Thank god, it's winter, no mold yet. Her homework is all over the bed, pencils, pens everywhere, clothes in piles. I clean weekly, I make her clean the floors weekly, my younger kids (4 and 6) clean their own rooms, playroom and study - so, I cannot understand why she cannot just clear up her stuffs weekly. And bringing down the bowls and soda cups to the main trash, which my husband clears weekly. 

2. She is as avid liar. I was looking for some cups / bowls / straws and I would ask her where they are - she will reply, I don't know. I will find them all in her room. Being her mom's daughter?

3. We left on vacation and left her taking care of the home for 2 weeks. We came back with dog pee all over the couch. She said she couldn't smell it - gosh - you cannot miss a dog's pee stench! Instead of being sorry, she started a fit! She said I don't have to show her attitude. She is angry at herself and she has anger management issues and cannot manage her anger at herself - BULLSHIT! She punched the wall and came down crying her hand hurts! Wow, I want to punch too - her face (sorry, I really need to vent). After crying for 30m, she started hyperventilation - big show? I don't know. But she got DH's attention. 

4. Last straw - I found my socks in her room. I went to my sock drawer and found several pairs of socks / tights missing - yes, she took my SOCKS! Thank god none of my other clothing will fit her, she is a size bigger. And we have different taste - basically, I have not bought fancy clothes for a long time - there is nothing else for her to take (all my nicer old dresses are small size - phew). So, she took socks. I can live with isolated filth, laziness but theft and lies - that is not acceptable in my household.

Am I bad not being able to live with her? Am I bad if I want her to move back to Europe for college after high school? I actually planned to pay for her college - I even started a savings account for her. FYI, DH does not earn much, have no savings and will not be able to pay for college. BM - broke, as mentioned. But now I'm having second thoughts. I have 2 more kids and my pay is just enough for annual expenses for the family (I pay 90% of family expenses, mortgage, cars - including DH car, insurance, food, gas, some utilities). Am I being selfish if I do not want to pay for her college? I could support part of it but I feel like a sucker paying a huge sum to someone who does not respect me and lies to me. I feel being taken for a ride. Especially her birth parents are just sitting aside, looking at this sucker working her ass off. I still have two more kids to support and my own retirement.