So excited about hanging out with BioHo!
NOT. Ish. 
SD26 invited DH and me to her graduation. 'Ho had a major screaming fit about it. So in an effort to soothe the savage 'Ho-beast, there will now be a small AFTER PARTY. Oh, happy joy!
There's only one thing I love more than hanging out in a college dive bar and that's hanginig out in a college dive bar with 'Ho and that cuckolded husband of hers who GIGGLES CONSTANTLY like a 12yo girl. Sigh...
SD26's in-laws will also be attending. As well as PP16 and Spawn11. That's right, folks. 'Ho is bringing her underagers to a bar. No surprise there, right?
DH and I will probably be the best-dressed people in there since he will be wearing dress slacks, dress shirt, and tie and I'll be wearing a dress. Like SS19's graduation party, I'll be making that single glass of whatever (whiskey, dirty martini, etc.) last F O R E V E R...
I'm thinking a flowing Maxi dress and some beach waves in my hair. And my favorite accessory (aside from the Arm Candy otherwise known as Mr. Aniki) - the old "Smile Like You Have A Secret".
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I think I just verped. 
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Is the other SD going to be
Is the other SD going to be there? Maybe you and BioHo can have that “talk” she’s been wanting to have.
Why, thank you, notasm. I
Why, thank you, notasm. I snorked OATMEAL up my nose. OUCH!!!
Sadly, SD22 has to work that day. But if 'Ho thinks I'm going to spend a single minute "chatting" with her about anything. Well, f*ck. It's quite likely that 'Ho DOES think I'm going to chat with her. And this is actually not a problem. I'll simply play the Stoic Finn card.
No matter what she says,
No matter what she says, answer "quite so" while staring into the distance. See how many times you have to say it before she beetles off.
My dear Winterglow (love that
My dear Winterglow (love that name!), I have perfected the art of staring just to the left/right of someone's face (in 'Ho's case, over the top of her head) and murmur things like "mmm" and "mmhmm" and "ah". On rare occasion, I will even get rather chatty and say "I see" or "thank you" or "no, thank you".
Thank you!
Thank you!
Staring just over someone's shoulder is guaranteed to make them very uncomfortable. Another one I like is, when you're stuck with someone you can't stand and there's nobody close enough to hear, look them in the eye and give a low throaty, almost imperceptible growl. I promise they'll avoid you for the rest of the evening (or for the rest of their lives if you're lucky)!
'Ho (who is 7 inches shorter
'Ho (who is 7 inches shorter than I am) is stupid so it may not make her uncomfortable at all. It's more likely that she'll think I'm rude. Rude would be eating Taco Bell the night before, standing next to 'Ho, stealthbombing some stinkers, and gliding away.
The growling sounds like fun, but I prefer to maintain that High Road. DAMMIT!
Then at least take the high
Then at least take the high road in an Inspector Clouseau accent :)
"Diz yur doog bite?"
"Diz yur doog bite?"
"Did you order a beurm?"
"Did you order a beurm?"
"Iz this your minkey?"
"But that's a priceless
"But that's a priceless Steinway!"
"Nut. Enny moer."
You ROCK the stoic finn!!
You ROCK the stoic finn!!
Why, thank you, my dear
Why, thank you, my dear friend!
BLECK! Oh my gosh Aniki. I
BLECK! Oh my gosh Aniki. I don't know how you do it. I'm dreading the days of combined events (if Psycho ever shows of course cuz so far she shows to NOTHING thank goodness). Graduations where I have to not break noses. Sports games where I can't throw the nearest peice of sporting equipment when she pulls a stupid (see shoving me and trying to scoot closer to DH). Awards Ceremonies where I can't use the trophy to knock the smug look off her face when she's a grade a a$$hole or says something completely innapropriate that hurts the skids. It's going to take ALL my self control (and keeping myself constantly just exhausted enough that she's not worth the effort).
But you go rock it! That sounds like an amazing outfit choice! And I may have to start using your favorite accessory. Might be fun to play some mind games with the Psycho... After all, my other options are dying my hair again, wigs to make her THINK I dyed my hair, or shaving it off to see how bold she's feeling....
PA, someone would probably
PA, someone would probably have to PAY Psycho to show up to those events!
May I suggest you begin training in the fine art of Stealth Blow Darting? That's right. You are swift. You are stealthy. Absolutely NO ONE sees you whip out your tiny, but deadly accurate blow dart and ZING Psycho in the side of the neck and, within seconds, she is tottering around drunkenly due to the toxic effects of the Sheneedstodisappearatica plant.
They would. And GBM LOVES
They would. And GBM LOVES doing that.... Soooo.... I mean she pays her to take visitations right now after all!
Ooooooo! Stealth dart blowing sounds like a ridiculously useful skill! You may suggest and I'm going to figure it out and keep a dart blower in my bag from now on! That's the perfect solution!
Let'a hope that Psycho takes
Let'a hope that Psycho takes that money and goes to the nearest bar. Or the alley behind the nearest bar to buy some smack.
I'm picturing it now...Psycho just stuck her hand down the back of the ref's pants! LMAO!
May the gin be with you!
May the gin be with you!
Bombay Sapphire, beebeel!
Bombay Sapphire, beebeel!
Who am I kidding? I seriously doubt that place has Bombay, much less Bombay Sapphire. I may even have to drink Seagram's 7 or Jack Daniels, I obviously need a 2 oz flask so I can bring my own, high-quality stuff!
Gin for the win!
Gin for the win!
"smile like you have a secret"
Is the best advice you have ever given.
You will get through this with some hilarious blogs to follow.
Thank you, Dovina!
Thank you, Dovina!
I already have an appointment with a stylist so I won't have to worry about my hair. Now I need the perfect outfit. I think I'll go shopping...
I think this temporary bar outing is the perfect moment
Where you every now and then sexily stare at the hubby, every now and then a stroke up his arm lovingly, maybe if hubby is already pissed off with the ex wife and so over her due to her past antics, he may even grab you at the hips and pull you closer to him while exwife is staring fuming at it all.
thats karma!!! When you treat others like shit that they need to divorce you and they find someone a million times more better than you
when i used to participate in the outings with skids (absolute torture!!) we weren’t ever leaning close to one another hugging or kissing etc because we aren’t like that in public but heck if we’re sitting down and i want to put my hand on mr hubbys thighs he aint gonna swat it away. He’s happily enjoying it..
Shamds, I have become a pro
Shamds, I have become a pro at being on my DH's arm at functions where 'Ho is present. The frequent glances and little smiles, arm strokes, light touch to his thigh when we're seated and leaning to whisper in his ear followed by a kiss to his cheek. My DH is former Military (no PDA) so that hip grabbing is O-U-T (a kiss on the cheek is okay - not lips). However, he IS very attentive to me and stays by my side the majority of the time. It's blatantly obvious that we are completely into one another.
Oh damn I will seriously
Oh damn I will seriously think about coming up to see that trainwreck on a bar. Is it the same bar we went to yeeeeeeeeeeeears ago??
Yes, ma'am, it most certainly
Yes, ma'am, it most certainly is. I cannot believe I'm going back there after all these DECADES! lol