Paying for Spring Break - Should I?
Sorry this is long...looking for opinions - I'm a very decisive person but this is a tough one. My DD is a freshman in high school; she is the youngest of my three kids - the other two are freshman/junior at university. So I'm acutely aware that I don't have too many more years of creating vacation memories with her - it goes way too quickly! Despite the fact everything is overpriced, we always go on a nice spring break and were planning a cruise for spring break 2020.
DH has 4 kids - 2 grown, 1 also at university and his son is same age as DD14 and a freshman at a different high school. I've recently, in the last couple months decided I need an attitude adjustment towards SS14 - he is really not that bad and I rarely see him. DH and BM alternate spring breaks - only she has never once taken SS on a vacation. He has gone on lots of nice vacations with us, not only spring break but every summer. He is great on vacation - good natured, agreeable etc.
DH and I keep our finances completely separate. He pays his ex not only CS for SS but a huge amount of maintenance which will thankfully end Feb 1 2020. The issue is DH lost his job 4 months ago and is having difficulty finding another at his level (VP). Fortunately he had 6 months of severance, and we figured out it is not smart to file to cease maintenance vs. just finish it out. He has a lot of savings also. I have never had to make up any difference in contributions to household expenses due to the payments to his ex. I'm sure he will have a job within a few months - but what if he doesn't....so clearly it would not be prudent for him to spend (his half of) thousands to book this vacation.
Well I am going to take my daughter on spring break no matter what. DH said he'd be upset if we went without him. I wouldn't want to do that, and I have no problem paying for DH. But SS - that is an issue for me. It will be at least $3000 per person with airfare, the cruise and the day trips. To me only a PARENT spends that on a kid. I am not even remotely a parental figure to SS. In the beginning, he did spend EOWE with us and we did a lot of family stuff including with my older kids. But, I am very certain he does not view us as his family - DH is the link but we are not blended; a lot of this is due to SS's standoffish and weird personality. Given we will need to book a trip likely before he has a job...and while he's still paying his bitch ex maintenance....if I pay for the entire trip, I'm funding SS's vacation while DH is paying his useless mother - WTF!!?? SS is not my kid; that feels like I'm being taken advantage of. DH feels he "owes" SS a nice vacation - as in why do my kids DD14, DS18 and DD19 get to go on fabulous trips and SS does not - sorry but it is not my job to ensure SS has the same experieces as my own kids do. I owe him nothing other than being courteous and polite when I see him.
I would only do this because obviously just the 3 of us aren't going to go, but the idea of paying for SS is abhorrent to me. But why should DD not get a vacation, because her stepdad does not have a job at the moment, when her mother can afford it? We need to decide in the next month or so - 2 of my good friends told me to suck it up and pay the whole trip for the 4 of us...what would you do?
Your DH is being unreasonable
Your DH is being unreasonable. Your DD14's experiences should not be decided by your SS. It is not your job to take your SS on a luxury vacation, especially if your finances are seperate. I can understand your DH not wanting to take a vacation without his son. That may seem very unfair to SS. My opinion is that your DH should stay home. He needs to focus his time and energy on finding a job. Tell your DH that you and DD14 are going to have a mother/daughter vacation. Once your DH gets back on his feet, he can plan a father/son vacation for him and SS.
If your DH doesn't like this idea, then that is his problem. One of the things about having separate finances is that each adult is free to make their own decisions on how to spend their money, as long as it doesn't take away from joint bills.
I think you should go with
I think you should go with your DD and leave your DH at home. He should be looking for a job, first and foremost. What happens if he finds one before spring break? There are not many places will grant you time off when you've just started. How would you feel about losing the 3000 for his part in the trip? I'd also be concerned that he might use the trip as an excuse to NOT look for another job right now (and we all know that the longer you're out of work, the harder it is to find a job).
Either you all go or none.
Either you all go or none. Also, maybe one of the best lessons you can teach your DD is not to always expect vacays and other expensive things just because. . . . Maybe the best lesson DD could learn here is to do without for the benefit of all. If you and DD are going out and eating lobster and going on pricey vacays while your DH (husband?) and his son are eating gruel and having to settle on a one-day fishing trip for vacay this year, you are creating an us vs. them mentality in your own home. And, yes, I know the gruel and fishing trip example was an exaggeration, but to make a point. If your DH won the lottery, would you expect him to share with you or to just buy himself and his son a new Mazzaratti, while you and your DD have to drive around in a Spark? But, if you are living together for convenience vs. married, maybe that yours, mine, but no ours attitude is accepted in your relationship. I don't know.
I'd pay and expect to be paid
I'd pay and expect to be paid back, but only on this one trip. If DH were still struggling by summer without a job, it's on him.
I look at it from what I'd like my spouse to do for me if roles were reversed. If I were unemployed but actively looking, still paying my responsibilities, and had a good reason to believe that I could/would find a job, I would hope my spouse wouldn't kick me while I was down. I'd hope they would extend a loan to me that I could pay back.
Though, OP, something to think about is whether, in spring, if your DH doesn't have a job will you need to pick up his slack on the household bills? Will you actually have money to take this trip yourself if your DH is unemployed? I also wouldn't want my spouse to spend through ALL their savings and retirement trying to maintain our lifestyle if all we, as a team, had to do was tighten our belts and ride through the storm.
But, I'm coming at this from the perspective that I don't like totally separate finances except in the most dire of circumstances. I like having a "yours, mine, and ours" money management system. Totally separate or totally mixed leads to situations where spouses - partners - don't feel like they have to help when the chips are down, which is totally anathema to the point of being joined in a union. Further, if a spouse in desperate financial straits decides they need to take out a loan to fund their financial shortfalls, then the other spouse becomes responsible for half of it.
IMO, it's best to "float" one another temporarily. I think this would be one of those instances. He can pay you back $6,000 probably with a relative quickness if you'll be planning a summer trip, too. Otherwise, your option should be to go with your daughter only (though I do wonder what that teaches her - that if you're in a partnership and your partner hits a snag in the road that it's okay to leave them behind for your own wants and happiness?). No, you have no obligation to pay for SS, or even DH, but I'm not sure I'd be okay with leaving my spouse behind when they are already struggling just because I felt like my kid "needed" another trip.
Actually, that makes me think: why not do a smaller, cheaper trip over Spring Break and do the cruise in summer when DH is likely to have a job? That seems like a compromise that would work for everyone.
Honestly $3K per person is a
Honestly $3K per person is a lot of money. Add the fact your DH doesn't have a job. This maybe the year to do a smaller more economical vacation.
Thanks Guys :=)
Thanks for the advice. I did not think about this being a lesson for my daughter - good point. I also agree that there is a 'we' in marriage even with separate finances. There is zero risk in my DH treating me as his "sugar mama" - he is spending 8 hours a day on job search and the rest of his time taking care of every single thing in our house including driving DD around. He has a delicious healthy dinner waiting for me when I get home from work every day. DD started school this week and he's been dealing with helping with her geometry homework (which is a nightmare...).
DH is my kids' Dad, especially DD14. She would do a mother-daughter trip of course, and we'd have a blast but she has said several times it just would not be the same without him. He is a wonderful husband and father, and he is truly a team player. I was the one who insisted on separate finances....with the maintenance and 7 kids between us, it had to be this way. But I don't want a marriage of keeping score. I know without a doubt he would not hesitate to pay for the vacation, if the positions were reversed. Anyone can lose a job including me. Thankfully I have a great job I love but am very financially conservative in case someday I don't - I do believe in spending on experiences rather than 'things' and vacation with kids is one of those priceless experiences.
If I viewed SS as an extension of DH, as in love the kid because I love his father, this would be easy. I just cannot see it that way though - SS is a separate person, who is not my child and despite the fact he is not a bad kid, he has resisted becoming a part of this family such that he should not be able to benefit from my generosity. Yet DH would do anything for my kids. So if I do this it will be 1) for DH and 2) because I truly believe it will be more fun with the 4 of us. Even my Mom thinks I should just book the trip and pay it all!
Thanks again for the good points. I guess I have like a month to decide.
Yeah, I'm with Lt. Dad on the
Yeah, I'm with Lt. Dad on the need to be a team, only I wouldn't take a 9K -12K vacation when one of us didn't have a job. Obviously you guys are high earners, but even so, 12K is a lot of money when you don't know if/when he's going to find a job.
I vote for delaying the vacation until DH has a job. It would teach your DD about being responsible with money, as well as the lesson mentioned about supporting your spouse when times are rough.
There is absolutely nothing
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a mom-daughter trip. Quit over thinking this. You and your DD go. When DH is out of the spousal support business in 6mos he can take his son on a dad-son trip next Spring break.... if events align so it can happen.
Keep it simple.
This is where my vote goes.
This is where my vote goes.
Just say NO to SS
Its a mother daughter trip now. If DH wants to tag along that’s ok. But no SS
Gifts are gifts...no strings
Gifts are gifts...no strings every attached.
This is indeed your personal decision. Remember a gift IS a gift, always. IF you decide to pay for this trip do not ever throw it in anyones face, ok?
Gift..
Goodluck that is a great point and helps with the decision. Given I really don't like SS but just tolerate him, the slightest thing he were to do to piss me off while on the trip (and every minute leading up to it) would be a problem . And that is a lot of the issue - I expect some small degree of gratitude, but DH's kids were not really taught that concept it seems to me (only one of the four). So no, I do not think I can pay for an expensive vacation for SS. We can hold off another month or two, but if DH doesn't have a job yet I'll plan a mother-daughter trip. I just cannot get there with SS and never will.