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Has anyone been accused of being a narcissist for wanting to do their own activities that don't involved stepkids?

usedtobeamajor's picture

Has anyone experienced this? I was accused of being a narcissist by my ex and her mother whenever I expressed interested in wanting to do things that did not revolve around her and her kids. These are kids who have two parents, a mother and a father who are alive, well, employed and actively involved in their lives. However if I ever suggested going to the gym, going to a festival I wanted to go to or going to my friends wedding out of state I was a narcissist even though I invited them!(but they could not go) If I went to dinner and did not pay for everyone, including her kids and mother, I was a narcissist. If I dressed nicely and kept myself in shape I was a narcissist too!  Anyone else experience this?

Winterglow's picture

Be glad you are out of this. You are not the one who is in the wrong. It is not healthy to lose yourself in a kids-only and kids-first and kids-always mentality.

readingandlearning's picture

Kids first household is not healthy for any relationship let alone one where those are not even your kids! Be glad you are out of that toxic mess. 

markwvualum's picture

That was just their way of controlling, manipulating and using you. You should not be paying for someone else's kid anyways. You two weren't married nor did you even live together. The only situation where this would be different is if you two were married and she was either widowed or their father was a deadbeat. Where is their mother/father and why don't they have the money to pay for their own kids? Do not be used.

susanm's picture

Of course not.  You said "ex."  Obviously there is a reason that this person is your ex and it sounds like you are well out of the relationship.  Are you asking because you are considering going back or because you want to make sure you do not cause problems in a future relationship?  If it is the first, lay down some place quiet until the urge passes.  If it is the second, good for you. 

I think it is important to "process" relationships before getting into new ones and owning your part shows character.  Obviously we all do things that contribute to the failure of a relationship and each one gives us the chance to do better next time.  But expecting to retain individuality rather than be absorbed into an identity of "parent" and nothing more, whether for someone else's child or even your own, is more than reasonable.  It is frankly healthy in a world gone mad with child worship.  I am sure you made human mistakes in this relationship but that is not one of them.

tog redux's picture

I think someone was projecting her own narcissism onto you.

ldvilen's picture

Has anyone been accused of being a narcissist for wanting to do their own activities that don't involve stepkids?  Answer: Every day.  For example, check out this article entitled “Break the Spell of the Narcissistic Step Parent.”  There is a even the lovely stereotype blurb “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all” attached to it in case any reader doesn’t catch the obvious.

Note too that according to the author, she is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor by the State of Florida with over fifteen years of experience in counseling, teaching and ministry.

With so-called professionals having that sort of attitude, yep. . . the answer for every SP is: Every day.

readingandlearning's picture

Another article written by someone who either had a bad experience with a step parent as a child,heavily influenced by their children's manipulations, was rightfully dumped by a childless person or someone who is delusional. In my own experience I never came along to help anyone. It was presented to me and expected of me way too soon. I am a fun loving person who had good intentions and cared a lot for my stepchildren and still do.

       And the abuse in the relationship was abuse I was subjected to by my raging spouse and my "step children" who were so disrespectful at times and clearly ruled the household. I could do nothing about this and was taught basically just to be quiet, not complain, accept them as my own and help pay for their expenses meanwhile at times they treated me worse than dirt. The author also never addressed why the mother had a failed marriage then another failed relationship,back to back then was in yet another relationship immediately after that one, especially with kids being involved. It seems like the mother might want to stay single for awhile and take a look at herself. I suspect she is at least partially, if not more so, to blame for her situation. The step parents aren't always the bad ones. I was good to my step kids although it wasn't always reciprocated. 

Harry's picture

Adults in a relationship should do adult things. Alone.. Weekend away alone.  Date night.   Alone.   Maybe a vacation alone.   When your SO gets divorce,  This whole doing everything for the kids also died with the marriage.  The kids have two parents.  To fill there time 

Thumper's picture

There are an awful lot of people these days, throwing around diagnosis without their degree. Borderline Personality Disorders, Bipolar, Narc's..ADD/ADHD, autism, heck if your child lines up his cars or flaps around pretending to be a bird,  IT MUST be autism..

I wrote that OP as a gentle reminder that unless x and her mom have their degrees they are acting like tt (trailer trash).

A grown woman (x) and her Mother tag teaming against you shows a lack of class. Do you know what else it shows, it shows that x learned that behavior from her mom who probably did it to her x. Who do you think SHE learned it from.  If my adult kid said that garbage to someone in front of me to another person my adult kid would have a problem.

OP 'they' are ignorant. And it shows.

NO you do not have to do anything together...ughhhh




RAJ C's picture

To give you an example just this Saturday.

DW was invited to dinner party at her friends who she met since SS (15) was classmates in kindergarden and elementary school with their children. Everytime this group gets together all they do is talk about the kids stuff but I agree to attend (DW knows I really can't stand that crowd but insists I go).

8:30 p.m. we are about to leave so I am loading the car (we were supposed to take dessert and wine) and DW is shutting off Chrsitmas decorations. SD(12) arrives from friends house with FIL (he stayed a few minutes inside his car) so I finish loading the car and approach to say hello to FIL who was going to stay and watch SD and DS(7) who was already sleeping inside.

Once we get into the car and drive out DW asks me that why did I not go to say hello earlier, and that I was being rude (her tone was actually not very polite but lets keep it on the facts). I tell her that I was loading up the car and as soon as I was done I went to say hello, moreover I saw her FIL stay in the car so instead of putting evertyhting down I just finished doing what I was doing in the car and went to greet FIL and that I did not think it was rude as it was less than a minute. Her answer was that I was being rude to SD who just got out of the car and went inside the house.

I point out that if anyone was rude was SD for not going to say hello to me (I really don't care I had dropped her off a few hours before at her friends and do not need to greet every member fo the family 20 times per day) and for not helping her out turning off Christmas decor. So I get acused for being self-centered.

Rags's picture

What about this woman motivates you to remain with her?

That the Skid went past you without saying hello was the infraction IMHO.  You were polite.

DW is a bitch.


RAJ C's picture

1. Wife has been going through tough time lately, still hope she comes around (hope starting to fade though).

2. Our son just turned 7, our country law would make it very difficult for me to get custody (lawyer says despite everything that I have documented is a 60% chance at most that I get custody). Worst case scenario she gets full custody, moves SS(15) back home, and I would not want my son around SS(15) unsupervised.