What age is a reasonable age for adult kid to launch?
My adult kids were launched by the time they were 22. Not sure what age others think adult kids should launch. From glancing at the message board some posts or comments indicate some step moms have been treated with deplorable behavior by their DH/SO when bringing up the issue. What age should SKs launch and how have you step moms been treated when bringing up the topic to your DH/SO? I personally never thought I would have to question a man about why his adult kids were not yet launched when they were all 23 or older. Smh.
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23 is a good general time to
23 is a good general time to be off the payroll and independent. It gives them a chance to go to college and either take a little extra time to graduate or find a job afterward. Better if they are living on their own before that, but these days they will probably need a little help until they have finished college. If they go directly to work after high school or complete a shorter training program, i would say within a year of full time work or finishing the training.
To me, a kid over 18 needs to be working full time, going to school full time (successfully, not failing or just taking classes that won't lead to a marketable degree), or some combination of work and school.
ETA my mom and dad gave me the final boot at about 23.5. I had been in and out up until then lol.
I agree with you 23 years
I agree with you 23 years old is a good general time to be off the payroll and independent. At the time I broke up with him they were all 24 and over, all were living under some other adults roof, none worked enough to take care of themselves, and all pretty much called him regularly asking for money (though some more than others). You mentioned college, the one who was in college never would show him her class schedule or transcripts. She had been in college long enough to get a master's degree in some instances but had not even completed 2 full years of college. She kept telling lies about how many years she had completed, and during this time she was supposedly in school but still not progressing. Someone here told me that adult kid was going to be a perpetual student. Others didn't believe she was really in school. Some of his adult kids had kids they couldn't take care of. Some were still having additional kids. When people ask what happened between us and I tell them, they usually agree that the situation my ex had with his adult kids was a mess.
Yep, a total mess! A lot of
Yep, a total mess! A lot of families have that one "failure to launch", but if all of his were still sependent by mid-20s, some with kids of their own, he or BM fostered dependence and it's unlikely to change. I think a lot of dysfunctional DHs and BMs try to keep the kids dependent on them after divorce as a desperate way to hold onto control.
Rumplestiltskin, I figured
Rumplestiltskin, I figured the dysfunction was pretty deep. I guess he hid it from me as long as he could which was very selfish. I was going to try to help hum find a good therapist but Coronavirus situation prevented that. Once the coronavirus situation worsened all of his adult kids were hounding him for help. He became very irritable and quite agitated. I asked a question about the reason his adult kids don't work and take care of themselves and his response in part was that they were "unlucky," and blamed the reason on outside sources I figured this dysfunction was ingrained in him and them and doubted a therapist would be able to help. So I withdrew from the situation.
Also to add, if all parties
Also to add, if all parties are on board with it, an offspring can live at home forever, and i don't judge. But, in a skid situation (or intact family where there is disagreement), i feel 23 or within a year of working or completing training is a good rule. These days, independent at 18 just isn't feasible except with military enlistment or full-ride plus extra scholarship. Our society has extended adolescence and therefore the step hell experience! I guess it just goes to enforce that if you can't live with your situation now, you can't expect it to go away for a very long time!
My parents divorced when i was 18 right after I finished
highschool. I was given the option by mum if i wanted to live at home to go to college or university and work towards getting an actual degree or fulltime work.
at he time i had no passion for what i wanted to study and I didn’t just want to study a business degree until i knew what really struck me. So i worked fulltime and paid half of the rent and controbuted to groceries etc and would buy them myself the usual stuff we had.
when my mum had a stroke about 5 yrs post divorce i was in part time work and fulltime university studies. Dad lived in a big bungalow home and didn’t want me quitting uni to help care for mum during her recovery so dad said move back home, he will help care for mum during the day whilst i was at work and uni.
this went on a few years till mum was better but for those 10 yrs i was actually paying majority of bills at home. Dad fully owned it but i paid for all groceries, household toiletries and essentials, home and car insurance etc and dad just told paid for utilities which were a minor cost.
my brother freeloaded at home and had the nerve to say it was my responsibility to pay for everything. I moved out when i got married as had some savings built up but my dad is European and mum asian and its standard to have kids live at home till they save enough for when they marry
that said I don’t believe it appropriate for anstepmum to tolerate this because skids are not her bio kids and she wouldn’t knowingly marry a man expecting his adults would live indefinitely and that an adult would actually wanna live in a home where his dad is actively having a sexual relationship with their stepmum
in my case ss22 behaviour is deplorable and never gotten better. Last yr hubby was given a choice to launch that kid somewhere else as i and our 2 young kids would never enter it again or he could buy a separate home for us to live in as i will not live in a toxic unharmonious home environment
so hubby bought a new home in my name which is skid free. Never will any of them enter it and hubby knows it or he can look for wife #3 which he doesn’t want to.
hubby did tell ss22 his deplorable behaviour and I can’t give a shit attitude has alienated people from him. Hubby told him his own mum threw him away like trash and wants nothing to do with him and hubby marries me and we have 2 kids together who simply want a happy home life and ss has always worked to make it unhappy and alienate us. Hubby told him for the holidays he is on his own as hubby was spending them with us and hubby had no right or grounds to convince me that ss should stay with us as he makes no one want to be around him...
i have told hubby I didn’t expect to have an adult stranger living in our home indefinitely and refusing to launch but I wasn’t gonna put up with it anymore
Honestly it depends on the
Honestly it depends on the kid. My brother launched right out of Highschool went millitary and never moved back in with my mom. I on the other hand was a different story. I was told full time job and pay bills or go to college. I went to college. Lived on campus during the year and summers went home and worked for the most part. Moved back home while in graduate school paid for my car and car insurance but nothing else.
Moved out after school with a boy and tried moving to another state didn't work moved back home. Did not pay for anything other than car and car insurance but I had a job and was still on my stepdads medical. Moved out again with a boy things went bad after about 10 months and moved back home yet again this time with a cat. My stepdad not an animal person at all but he let me. Was home for a little over a year didn't really pay much of anything other than car insurance because my car was paid off. My parents didn't ask for much. At age 28 I moved out again with a boy we lived togther for 1.5 years. He turned out to be a butt and I kicked him out because at this point I now has two cats and a decent job and could supprt myself fully. I took over the lease and all the bills and finally lived on my own fully independent from anyone before i turned 30.
As you can see I had a lot of ups and downs and I moved back a lot but I was respectful and always had a job. I never asked for anything from my parents. I graduated from college when the economy was really bad and things were slowly coming back. I am not sure if there is a total right time to launch weather it be a skid or biokid you have to guage the person and situation.
I have been making it
I have been making it ABUNDANTLY clear to OSS that, while our house is a home, it's not HIS home any longer. He is getting ready to go off to college and he needs to start figuring out what he wants to do and how he wants to live his life. I've made it abundantly clear to DH, too, that I will only help adults who help themselves. If he is going to college full-time and working part-time, I help. As soon as that doesn't happen from OSS, he's 100% on his own. Within a year of him graduating from college (which I'm not sure when that will be because he received credit in high school, so it won't be a full 4 years), he'll need to be off the familial payroll.
That probably sounds much harsher than it actually is. I want the kids to launch successfully and not cause drama. If they hit a rough patch but are self-sufficient, I'm happy to let them move back to pick themselves up again. But it won't be free, and it won't be fun.
Lieutenantdad I think you
Lieutenantdad I think you have a good approach. It's better to discuss these important aspects of life and put some pressure on the kids who need it. Some kids need more guidance and tough love than others. Crisis situations come up and I am all for helping an adult kid then. But failure to launch kids who always have their hand out are pathetic.
For me, it's less about "do
For me, it's less about "do they live there" and more about, are they doing something with their lives? Are they going to school, working, own a car, have friends, help around the house etc; or are they sitting around, unemployed, living off of their parents and playing video games all day? Those are two vastly different scenarios to me.
Tog I think the scenario gets
Tog I think the scenario gets tricky when both parties bring adult kids into the situation. My ex's adult kids and mine are all around the same age. Mine are independent. I am not going to be in a relationship with a man who financially supports his same age adult kids when mine are required to be independent (they actually thrive in it) and told him that up front. In my opinion that truly is an unbalanced situation. It was already unbalanced because I earned significantly more than him to begin with. So no way am I building a life with a man who earns less to begin with but also takes what he does have and sends it out the door to his adult kids. I saw his behavior as enabling and buying love. They only contacted him for money. The ones who have kids can't afford to take care of them, yet having more kids, some have no car, the ones with a car call for money to help pay for it or insurance on it, or repairs etc. The one who is in college has been in long enough to have received a master's degree yet for whatever reason hasn't even completed two full years and has no potential graduation date in site. They all live under other people's roof, and yet still csll regularly for money. He hasn't seen them in years and was afraid to talk to them about their plans for independence. With all of them being at least 7 years out of high school they should have figured something out. A person 7 years post high school who enters the military can make a pretty good living and would have been half way to retirement (though things may have changed with the half way to retirement statement). There are other trade schools to obtain skills. But 7 years post high school and to never have been independent, tried to be, or working towards it in some meaningful way is totally unacceptable to me (of course with exceptions of sickness, sick parents etc.). To have zero kids to launch is problematic for me.
So his kids are closer to my
So his kids are closer to my second scenario than my first. And I agree with you, I'd run like the hills from a guy like this. He's going to do this for the rest of his life.
Tog do you think therapy
Tog do you think therapy would have helped him? Or do you think this dysfunction is ingrained in people like him?
There are varying degrees of
There are varying degrees of launching IMHO. This is all assuming there are no special needs that need to be taken into consideration.
1- At 18, after HS graduation- Are they working? Are they enrolled in a certification program or college? They would have to be doing both (work/school) to continue to live with us past the summer after graduation.
2- At 22- have the completed college/training? Have they found a job or are they actively searching? Unless they are in a graduate program- this is where the cut off will likely come for us.
3- Post grad school- out for sure.
I have no problems with a college/trade school student living with us while they work part time, save money and aren't accumulating a ton of student loans. However, they have things to do around the house to help out as well. I won't allow a mooch and I won't support an adult that won't better their own life.
Justmaking the best, it looks
Justmaking the best, it looks like from your comment you would have been cut my ex's kids off the payroll and given them the boot. I feel the exact same. During the time he and I were together not one of them had gained a skill. Although his youngest daughter may be 25 or is likely close to 26, and had been in school she had to completed 2 full years of study, was demanding that he pay for her education along with calling regularly for money, and was manipulative and had a horrible attitude. Her personality was deplorable.
I worry about many of our step-parents
Im 75 with a family of 5, 2 BKs and 3 SKs. I so often read posts where the step-parents are (understandably) looking toward a certain age or milestone when they are "DONE" if your partner, like mine, has that "door is always open if you are in trouble" outlook, there IS no certain age. I wrote a blog about this, Shelter From the Storm. In DH's case, he didnt get this type of support from his own family so offers it to all 5 kids. Most have moved back at some point altho all were launched by 23. SD is permanently barred but if one of the others had an emergency, like BS's hurricane last year, he would offer it again.
Step-parents, I worry that you might have unrealistic expectations .