SD15 still gone - 12 weeks
Just wanted to come on for a sanity check I guess...
My last few blogs have just been about SD15, she has been with BM since mid August because of her choice as well as her attitude.
She does not reach out to DH at all, and basically does not respond much either.
DH and I discussed this situation a couple weeks ago with some general thoughts like these:
1. should DH make her come visit?
2. does it make sense to allow a moody 15 year old to make life decisions like this
3. would it be pointless because she's just going to be a grumpy moodkill anyways
4. if she's truly happier over there, maybe she should stay even if we miss her
5. she can still live there mainly, but why can't she at least visit for a weekend?
Anyways we were just kind of talking stuff out, and DH ended up texting her saying "hi there, we'd like you to come for a visit", her response was "I don't know, you're just going to expect me to be happy and talkative and that's just not who I am". Which isn't true, all we have asked is that she be kind and respectful to the people in the house. Anyways, DH just didn't respond.
SS18 came to visit this weekend and he told us that SD15 said she would be coming back in 10 months, which coinsides with the start of the next school year. Recap of that is she is enrolled in a specialty high school that is only in our district (not BM's) that allows her to graduate with a high school diploma as well as an associates degree. This year she is 100% virtual so it's been a non issue that she's been at BM's, but BM is not able to drive her to and from school every day because of her job,so SD15 would have to be here if she wanted to continue to go.
I asked DH what his thoughts were and he said "if she expects to just come back to use us for our location and still act the same, she's got another thing coming" then I asked if I should even be thinking of Christmas gift ideas for her and he said "no don't bother".
It's pretty crappy & selfish of her to leave and not even attempt to keep any sort of relationship, then just expect to waltz back in and live here again because it suits her.
I'm glad my DH is not delusional about it all I guess ...just a sucky situation in general.
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Your DH is a keeper..
Help him stay strong with his DD. There is going to be a showdown when the school opens back up and your DH is going to need all the support you can muster, to stay strong and not let DS back in, as if nothing has happened.
Personally, I would pack up all of her stuff and take it to her BM's, let her know that since she has made the choice to be rude and moody and has chosen to stay with BM, then she will have to transfer to the local school in BM's area. Don't let SD think that she can bounce from one house to the other, when she doesn't like being put in her place for being rude or moody.
That's another thing, we have
That's another thing, we have a large house, but all 3 skids have their own rooms while our two DDs share a room. And we struggle a lot at bed time getting them to settle down and sleep because they play so much. I love that they play, but I want them to have some quiet too! Also I'd really love an exercise room haha, so there are a lot of things that would be nice to use that room for. DH has even brought up taking it over, but isn't ready to pull the trigger on it quite yet.
Move a second bed into the
Move a second bed into the other SD's room and separate your kids. How long is SS staying there since he's graduated?
It would no doubt be reported
It would no doubt be reported back to SD15 by the still visiting skids. Perfect way to let her know things have changed without confronting her outright. She's doing her own thing, living her life. Life moves on for everyone else too.
SD15's room is actually the
SD15's room is actually the smallest room in the house, and not really an option to put a second bed in there.
SS18 is currently actually living with BM too because he has a full time job (while also in school) that is closer to her house. However, it's just a temp job that currently is set to "expire" in January. Although it has to do with COVID stuff so I imagne it would get extended again. He comes to visit for a weekend here and there when he can. Without the job, he would most likely still be following the week on week off schedule that SD17 is following so we're kind of waiting to see how this job plays out before we do anything.
Can you move SD15's stuff
Can you move SD15's stuff into SD17's room? She can bunk with her sister if she ever decides to return. One of your littles can have the little room.
Thought about that too, but
Thought about that too, but then kind of felt like that was kind of taking away stuff from SD17 when it's her sister that's being the brat, not her.
I feel like there's no right answer....maybe after Christmas (which neither of us expect her to show up for) DH will be ready to do something with the room.
How much of her things does
How much of her things does she have stored at your house? If your house is to be treated like a hotel then run it like one. If i had a vacant room for 10 months at my hotel then i'd fill with an occupant during that time. That's 10 months your DDs can unwind and have quiet time. And a break for you every day. I have a DD3 and she doesn't nap most afternoons now but she goes in for 3hrs and plays with her toys or sings to herself while I rest or get chores done. Impossible if there was another toddler to bounce off in there. I can feel your frustration.
I think with HC spouses or (s
I think with HC spouses or (s)kids we can almost get so used to the drama that we don't quite know what to do wtih the quiet. If your DH has made efforts to reach out, and she wants to keep being a diva, fine! Great! Stay over there! I think it's important that your DH as the adult and parent still makes an effort to say come over for a visit on occasion, but she knows the ball is in her court. She probably just wants to be begged. I'm glad your DH isn't doing that. Enjoy the peace!
Thank you, and yes I agree I
Thank you, and yes I agree I sometimes struggle to not focus on the "what ifs"
I've gotten a lot better, in the beginning of her absence I would cry a lot any time it came up, but now it just gets the wheels turning for a few hours then I move on. I don't' like how it's all played out but I have found myself a lot less stressed and anxious.
Is there a way your DH can
Is there a way your DH can let her know that she won’t be able to use your house as a free hotel in 10 months? If she’s making plans to come back in 10 months then clearly she doesn’t really have a problem with staying there, she’s just making excuses. I can just imagine the explosion and guilt tripping if she finds out last minute she’s gotta find a new local school. This way everything is spelled out clearly for her in advance. Actions have consequences. These are hers.
**edit** and realistically her just waltzing back into your home without an attitude adjustment isn’t fair to you and more importantly your little ones. When they were younger you could cross your fingers and hope they wouldn’t remember the dysfunction. 10 months plus the year she plans to stay is an extra two years from now. The coldness and attitude is something that would leave a deep impression on 6-7 year old whereas a 3 year old memory is more fuzzy. Don’t risk damage to your own DDs.
Yea I've thought about this
Yea I've thought about this too, that she should know that it's not like she can just come back. We'll see how DH handles it I suppose, he did originally make it clear that she would not be back until she had an attitude adjustment though, and I know he'll stand strong on that, he is totally not a push over.
My SS was "gone" for 3.5
My SS was "gone" for 3.5 years, didn't return to any kind of relationship with DH until he was 18. Don't beg or cajole and certainly don't let her come back just so she can attend that school. But also, don't watch and count days she's gone. Let her know the door is always open, but don't sit by it waiting.
Thanks, yes the longer it's
Thanks, yes the longer it's been, the easier it is to loose track of time. I do hope she'll come aroud one day, but if/until then I'm just living my life!
Kudos to your DH!
Kudos to your DH!
Also, no reason your own kids (who live with you full time) should be on the back burner while SKs come and go as they please. Your DDs deserve their OWN rooms. If SD ever does come back make it known that "_____ moved to your room since you weren't here. Your room is now _____" And see if she is still interested in moving back for this "special school". Bets are probably not.