Silent Night
So for those of you who don't remember SS17 hasn't spoken to me since the night I voiced my objection to his drug dealing. That's been about a year and a half ago now. Shortly thereafter, he physically attacked my husband (big mistake) when DH suggested SS17's constant problems might not be everyone else's fault. SS17 then ran away to his mother's house, never to return. He has since been diagnosed with something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD.
So after SS17 and I had our spat, he continued coming here half the time for a couple months. After he moved out, he came over for that first Thanksgiving and Christmas, no problem. We still weren't speaking, but we never talked much anyway, and at least he interacted with everyone else. Then he started refusing to come anywhere I was going to be. Family outings, his siblings' birthdays and events...if I'm there, he boycotts them. Ditto for Thanksgiving this year. He told DH he doesn't want to be around me because he'll never forgive me for a laundry list of crap I never said or did.
Which makes no sense. He lived here for a couple months after we stopped talking, so I wasn't saying a bunch of horrible stuff to him then. And he kept coming to family stuff for awhile, still no horrible stuff. But he pulls a disappearing act, and suddenly I'm a verbally abusive monster?
Enter Christmas. We had our Christmas today because the Skids go back to BM's. He refused to say whether he was coming. We didn't know until he showed up, whether he was coming at all. DH was scrambling around at the last minute, trying to make sure SS17 had enough presents to open (touching and maddening at the same time). SS17 came in, made a beeline for his sister's room, and stayed there virtually all day. He was the last to the table, spent less than 5 minutes eating, talked to no one, and disappeared again. He reappeared for presents, talked to no one, and disappeared again. He refused to come out for dessert. When it was time to go back to BM's, he left out the back door so we wouldn't cross paths.
I was dreading today. Waiting for the big showdown or whatever BS he was going to pull. But his mute avoidance had a different feel to it than in the past, and my hubs commented on it too. He was clearly uncomfortable. Here I was anxious, anticipating the mouthy jerk I know him to be, and he spends the whole day, hiding at his childhood home.
I don't know. It was just interesting. But I liked it better when he wouldn't come here.
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Comments
The big question
Do you think he is still dealing? That might be the reason for his behavior today.
Probably
I'd be shocked if he weren't. By running away to his mom's he bypassed all consequences that resembled parental discipline. And the legal system's response was a joke: triple-dog-dare-you probation for a year. For seven felonies. So why would he stop? There's no reason to.
Has he had any treatment for
Has he had any treatment for drug abuse? If he was dealing then he was using and even with treatment, its no sure thing he quit. He sounds like a kid on drugs blaming everyone for his problems and believes he has more insight into the dynamics of life above everyone else. I'd just stay far away from him and make sure he hasn't stolen anything. I wouldn't let him ever be at the house without DH there either.
I agree with Morrginme
Yes, probably still using, at the least. And, yes, be careful of theft.
So often, we steppers think we are the reason for the SKs behavior oddities. In this case, he probably never gave you a thought aside from hoping that nobody, you included, would realize he is still using. Get the gifts and get out, was probably his mantra.
Why
That's part of why he's with his mom. When it all went down, he tried to say he'd tried pot twice, and took one pill one time, basically to test his wares. But he dealt for at least a year before he got caught, and his behavior was erratic that whole time, so that's BS. The hard thing is, he's been in trouble since 3rd grade, getting kicked out of class and off the bus and out of friends' houses regularly. So when he started being an even bigger jerk, it was hard to say there was a definite change in him, his bad behavior just amplified. But his mom believed him and we didn't (about the drug use), so she's the hero and we're the a$$holes. I wonder why she doesn't understand that's not a compliment. He prefers her because she's weak and easy to manipulate. Not because she's a better parent.
The hopeful side of me thinks
The hopeful side of me thinks he knows he was wrong, but he's 17 and an idiot, so he can't/won't/doesn't know how to say I'm sorry in the way it needs to be said.
The pessimistic (realistic?) side of me says you need to make sure there aren't any drugs in SD's room, and y'all need to make sure nothing is missing in thr house. It sounds like all he wanted was gifts, so he showed up long enough to gift grab and ditch. Next year, DH needs to not get him anything. If he won't do that. Then he keeps cash or a gift card in his pocket that he can toss at SS if he shows up. I'm sure his siblings reported back to him that he had gifts under the tree. Bet you when they report they don't see anything that Christmas also becomes a disappearing act.
Does your DH believe that you're not a monster, or does he tell you to make more of an effort?
Not a monster
He 100% believes me, because he's been there at times when SS17 says I did these things. So SS17 will say I said/did something awful, and it's easy for DH to call him on it, because DH witnessed what really happened.
Your SS probably has Conduct
Your SS probably has Conduct Disorder rather than Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Conduct Disorder involves doing law-breaking things like drug dealing and assault (your DH) rather than just arguing and being vindictive and defiant like ODD. As kids with Conduct Disorder get older (over 18), it then often becomes Antisocial Personality Disorder, which means committing grown-up crimes with grown-up consequences rather than juvenile ones. Some kids with Conduct Disorder turn out okay, but many end up in prison.
You will know as time passes if he's been reformed - not likely considering he's decided to blame you for all of his problems.