BM IS DRIVING ME CRAZY
This is my first time blogging, but it probably won't be my last. I don't know what to do anymore.
My step daughter (who I refer to as my child because I don't differentiate between bio and step) is a wonderful 11 year old girl. DH has primary custody. We get along great. We had some bumps in the road due to her mom putting weird things into her head. Usually geared towards her dad. She will be petty to my SD and say and do really awful things to her. She'll "forget" to do things for her if we're working together on something for her i.e she won't buy the shoes for her dance and "forget" to tell me. Nevermind that I did everything else. Doesn't make sure shes hygienic when she's with her (I had to teach her how to brush her hair, for god sakes). She has no clothes for her and when I've bought clothes for her to wear to her house, they never return and she never wears them again because she doesn't wash them. BM has sent SD off to school with no coat when it was 40 degrees. She's always yelling and screaming at her. She doesn't spend time with her AT ALL even when this child has begged for QT. BM has had freak out fits on our front lawn with all of my children present. The list goes on.
I love her to death and started helping her put on extremely light make up. I tried to be nice by showing her mom a picture and she says that she wants to "be considered" when it comes to makeup. Like, BM DOES NOTHING WITH OR FOR HER! SD sees me doing makeup with my younger bio daughter. Am I supposed to ignore her needs/wants? SD wants to talk about boys...do I tell her no? My SD would rather do these things with me, but the ground work for that happened long before I got here. It's not my fault that BM feels guilty for not giving a care until other people are starting to see it. My SD shouldn't have to be deprived of maternal love because you're a LAZY AND SELFISH ASSHOLE, LADY! I need advice because I'm about to scream. BM is not a reasonable person and DH told me not to engage because it will bring unwanted chaos into everyone's lives (including my SD's). BM will be make my poor SD pay the price. That woman is pure evil. I've tried to be friendly to her and still haven't said a negative word in her direction, but I'm about to snap on her!!
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Comments
I agree with your DH
He's right, don't engage with her. If you must be in the same room with her for some reason, be civil and polite. Period.
I know exactly what you are going thru. A mother who cant be bothered with the day-to-day but wants to put her two cents in on selected topics. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your SD. Keep doing what youre doing, dont run BM down to her daughter and come on here to vent. Welcome and good luck!
Welcome to the site!
Agree with JRI. I have a BM in my life who is high conflict and with narcissistic personality disorder. Over the 19 yrs I have been with DH, she has caused no end of stress for us and there are times when I really yearned to give her a piece of my mind. However, it would have done no good, just made her worse, probably, so I stick to ignoring her as much as I can. Sounds like you have a really good relationship with your SD, I envy you. Not many of us on here have that.
Thank you
When I met her at 8, she was a really angry kid. I honestly wish I would have found this website during that time because she had me crying some days. I was like her in so many ways when I was a kid because I thought no one cared. I made it my mission to tap into that hard shell. It was a slow go, but finally 3 years later, we're where we are now. I'm the parent that disciplines, but has fun. She's told me that she sees me as the "cool parent" because I'll talk to her about things no one else does. DH has no idea what to do with a tween and still sees her as a 5 year old and BM can't be bothered. I think BM feels replaced, but I don't know what to tell her. This poor child has been ignored her entire life.
I forgot to add
I forgot to say that BM has done this shit before. That example I gave about the shoes? Was real. She cried to my DH because SD wanted me to help her get ready for the winter ball. Her mom "had to be" involved in some way. I asked my SD if it was okay if her mom did her hair and got her the shoes. SD said yes and her mom agreed to get off early to pick her up from school to do her hair and her the shoes.
Fast forward to the day of. I've been calling this woman for DAYS trying to figure out if she got her shoes. She answers just hours before school ended to say she wasn't picking her up and that she didn't have time to get her shoes. She had two weeks, y'all. So I drive 40 miles out of my way to buy shoes that match the dress. Pick her up from school, wait for her mom to pick her up at 5:00 pm (dance started at 5:30 pm), then did SD makeup got her dressed and took pictures.
BM tried to do everything to ruin this child's day because she asked me to help her. She's CRAZY!
It's nice that you love
It's nice that you love your SD and treat her well. But this is why it's not realistic to consider her "yours" - she has a mother, and a crazy one to boot. You can treat her as close as possible to the same way you treat yours, but there will always be the real mother to consider.
Let DH handle any communication with BM. She's clearly jealous of your role in her daughter's life.
I’ve tried
I meant when talking about her. I understand what you mean, though. My SD often vents to me about how her mom says and does hurtful things. I've tried saying " well, why don't you talk to her?" The response is always that SD tried and BM doesn't care. Or BM will yell at her. There have been so many times her mom was supposed to do something for/with her and I've had to fill in abruptly. I've tried talking to BM about respecting her maternal boundaries and what they are, but she ends up dragging me over the line and asking me fill in her role. Every. Time. Three years in, SD decided she was going to talk/ask me from now on. Not because she's an unruly or disrespectful child, but because her mom always drops the ball.
Why are you putting make up
Why are you putting make up on an 11 yo who is not your child and has living breathing parents
I dont mean to offend you but it doesnt matter that you consider her "your child", she isnt. She has parents who can make these decisions for her. If her mom and dad agree to let her wear make up at 11 (thats weird btw....), then you are free to help her but dont overstep on other parents parenting
I am pretty sure u would hate it if someone did that with your own children