SOOOO out of touch!! More shower stuff
So in my last post I ranted about BM asking for some food items- I know and I realize that was just my knee jerk reaction because honestly her request is NOT unreasonable in the least. We will be bringing a few items. Of course one on the wish list was an elaborate carved out fruit plate in baby theme, to which I said absolutely not.
But....the issue is the shower list! Now, to SD's defense she said her godmother (long history w/this crazy chick)- was the one that created her shower wish list. This woman lives in perpetual credit card debt, everything must be name brand, she spent so much on SD over the years on expensive brand name items that neither of her parents could afford. SD has made a list and godmother told her she needed to fix it for things she really needs (mind you her youngest is a teen so she's not up w/the times either). So SD gave her the info and godmother went and changed tons of items to what it is now.
I told SD outright, that she will scare people off getting anything on the list, she should find a friend her age that has kids (unfortunately quite a few) to keep it more realistic and in-tune with her family/friends financial positions and in this crazy economy....the stuff this godmother listed on their was down right insulting and offensive to me. NONE of her family/friends have that kind of money- the same items can be found for half the price.
$400 stroller/car seat system, nearly $200 high chair, $180 bouncer/swing w/bluetooh with lullabies, playpen combo (which I was planning on getting) at $190, some other toy bouncers all items over $150....a baby bath of near $50 (for newborns mind you)....Just what world does this batshit crazy person live in that does this, is she that out of touch with reality? I almost meant to ask BM what she thought, because at least bm is more reasonable on spending, she bought several nice items from a thrift store. OH, a shampoo/body wash set that is organic and costs $70....what in the living *uck????
I just hope she gets a friend (or shoot, I'll help her if she wants to come over and we can modify the list together).-nobody will get anything on that. I mean pacifier clips near $20? Just by looking at baby items I realize how absolutely insane the prices have increased since I have kids, but even THOSE prices are HALF or less of the items she has listed on the registry.
SD called DH yesterday asking if we would be getting the stroller/car seat combo- I told her no- I mean $400? Also, such a lack of etiquette, kids having kids, not realizing that big ticket items are the responsibility of THE PARENTS< not your family- you chose to have this baby w/out being established financially, or a home, or a consistent job, not having money- and expect others to get these items? Not happening. I haven't said it, and we are sticking to our budget, but just the entitlement is mind blowing. And I swear to you, if the godmother approaches me at any point in the shower I will just ignore her, otherwise at the VERY end I will for sure make some smart as* comment about how ridiculous and out of touch and hurtful to her family/friends is. Right now it stands at big fat 0 items purchase of the list....what do they expect?
DH is so upset about it he doesn't even want to go, but you know I'll make him lol. Other than that, she is doing well though after a very easy/uneventful/full of energy pregnancy, some things have kicked in now, neck pain, sciatic pain- we took her to get adjusted (chiro) Sat and she was very grateful, helped her a lot. Her mood is jovial and good and we really did enjoy our time with her. The funny part is the chiro made several mentions of her as MY daughter (guess he didn't realize she was my step as DH, her and I went together to be seen)- but neither her or I corrected him, normally I would have jumped to correct that assumption, or she would have- her and I just glanced at each other, smiled and let him assume. So things between her and I continue to go very well. We have grown much closer w/her pregnancy for sure. For that I am very happy and grateful. I dare say we love each other now....a place where I never would have dreamed us achieving so many years ago when things were a living hell.
- bananaseedo's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Baby shower and gifts
My SGD had a baby last year and the whole experience has been educational. I guess the economy is better than back in the dark ages when I had my kids. Like you, I saw a lot of "over the top" stuff. Her husband's family is very into gifts and there are many older grandmas and aunts who have been generous. I think some people just enjoy shopping. That baby stuff is so cute. SGD has a niece on that side who is only a year older than her child so in addition to all the new "stuff", she gets the hand-me-downs. She showed me the baby's closet a month after birth and the fancy outfits were hung so tightly together that if she had put on a different one every day, she'd have never gone thru them all and everyone knows babies are only in sleepers most of the time. Ditto books, toys and everything else.
I'm glad she's not as poor as I was. Lol. But, it's a different world.
I'm glad you and your SD are closer. That's nice and I know you are a stable, sensible person for her to balance out the godmother.
I always felt it's important
I always felt it's important to have a mix of things on your registry that allow your friends and family to find something appropriate and in their own financial price range. ... and yes.. sometimes people will go in together to get bigger ticket items..
I will say that asking for an expensive car seat if it is very highly rated? I would consider that ok.. other expensive items on the list are fine. In the end, people will buy what they want .. if there are things on the shower list that fit their budget.. fine.. otherwise they will go off the page in my experience.
I would stay out of it. If
I would stay out of it. If people can't afford the expensive stuff on her list either they'll go together on a gift or SD will be getting a lot of bibs, onesies, cute outfits and other affordable items that people want to buy. After that, SD can go to a thrift store or FB Marketplace and buy what she needs for significantly less than the amounts you listed. I bought nearly everything that way and spent about $200 in total for really high quality used stuff and I had everything DD needed and more. I didn't have a shower, and the only new baby equipment I got was the infant carseat, purchased by my parents. I was also delighted to have hand-me-downs from anyone who wanted to offer. It's not the end of the world if SD doesn't get her extravagant wish list, and she might learn something from the experience. This is not worth your mental energy.
Edited to add: sometimes new moms get the pricy stuff on their lists. My mom bought my cousin a $400+ carseat/stroller combo. Her friends went in together to get one of those Mommaroo swing thingies; other friends pooled their money and got a nearly $200 high chair. She got tons of little things, too, but also got nearly every big thing on her registry. Same for my other cousin's wife. Pooled gifts seem to be a big thing.
I think what you're spending
I think what you're spending - the $190 - is perfectly reasonable and in fact, generous considering your employment situation. You are also bringing food. SD calling you up for $400 gift is ridiculous. Who does that?
I think if you're fair about this granddaughter stuff and all, then you have all rights to establish boundaries with SD, especially financially. She may expect a lot of help in the coming times and I think it's perfectly acceptable for your DH to have a talk with her before it gets worse down the road.... baby's birth, first house, wedding, etc. May give her a reality check about the path that she is on and the true cost of adulting.
I do though think you do need to get past something to accept this pregnancy. You do seem to have some anger towards it and I'm having a hard time seeing you get past it. It is what it is. You simply just have to accept it at this point, develop your plan of attack with your DH and execute. Disengage where you want and make your DH take over if needed. You should not have to carry this all on your own.
Trust me, I am not spending
Trust me, I am not spending $190...that's the price of the playpen she chose. I can't afford it. PLUS I really prefer to get small gifts for her or baby once it is here then all in one shot to impress the people at the shower. I found the SAME (different brand) for under $100. That has been my plan. I rather help with practical things, like taking baby so she can nap, taking baby so she can go to a Dr appt or date night w/her husband...time is important, high priced gifts are not.
Yes, I do think I still have some acceptance to do- though I AM more accepting then DH by far (and that's her dad). He is having a more difficult time than me. It's just the whole generational young parents pregnancy -having kids you can't afford or even want or are ready for and expecting family to make up for it. That's what BM did, and now this is the same thing. I have my boundaries, I have my budget, I am upset she made a choice to keep a child they expect others to provide or care for (and the government)-it's NOT right.
I was shocked honestly she called for that. She knows our situation. But again, I think the godmother put her up to it- as a 'I'll show them how much better I am'- by saying what she did....I did tell DH I was upset that she is calling to find out what we are getting before hand- I told him it's unreal to think she can dictate which people get what for her shower, it's insane. We were both mad she even asked us to go into this group gift for a brand new expensive bedroom set....we didn't volunteer. I mean wth? You dont' call people to tell them or ask which item they will be getting so you can be 'prepared' it's just damn rude. Absolute lack of etiquette.
Fantasy vs reality
I got those "hints" from SD, too, back in the day. How "everybody's" parents always get the xyz. I think there are some immature folks who live in a fantasy land where parents buy things endlessly and there are lavish, expensive gifts from many people. It's true there ARE people who do this but it's not everybody and it's not us.
Has anyone stopped to tell SD
Has anyone stopped to tell SD that these "hints" for things are inappropriate??? Like, directly told her, in a loving way, that she's overstepping etiquette and why?
Like it or not, good or bad, she's having this baby young. Life is going to be challenging even in the best of circumstances. You can either moan and complain about what she's doing or help teach her skills she doesn't have so she can pass that down to her own child.
You can be frustrated and insulted, or you can utilize your loving relationship with her to do some good that her parents apparently didn't get around to doing. I empathize with you that you find all this ridiculous, but I'm rather disgusted at your DH for agreeing with you. If he doesn't like it, nothing is stopping him from finally stepping up as a parent and teaching his daughter.
Also, about big ticket items, it may just be the culture here but those do tend to be bought by grandparents or groups (be it co-workers, friends, or family). It's not a breach of etiquette to put it on a registry or to ask family if they are purchasing it, especially if someone else is asking if it's being purchased by someone else. There is a big difference between SD asking Daddy to buy her the $400 travel system and her inquiring if he's purchasing it so she can plan accordingly. For all you know, she's sitting on $400 and is trying to figure out how best to spend it.
Maybe change your thought
Maybe change your thought process, this is for the baby, this will benefit the baby, these are items that will help the baby. I do think you are underestimating how expensive baby items have become now, and by thinking "well I could get xyz cheaper here" you are undervaluing SDs options for her child. Sure there are cheaper car seats, strollers, etc...but check safety ratings on those cheaper items. Car seats now can grow with the child and last for years, especially if they have the right safety qualifications, same with strollers.
True that I underestimate
True that I underestimate just HOW ridiculous expensive these items have gotten, that said- name brands I've known my whole life of these items are half price of the ones the godmother listed. So it's not about safety. Of course items are for babes- but lil guy won't need a $150 swing with Bluetooth lullabies.
The car seat wasn't one of those grow with you (which would be a good idea) but the infant one w/stroller.
The good news is SD responded to my message and said not to worry about what was listed, and even updated a few items to add the cheaper versions...just said she wanted a certain color. She didn't take offense.
Look, they can have any options she wants for a kid they can't afford to have, but doesn't make anyone else responsible for it.
I'm kind of settling on some things, her mom found her a nice bassinet to go by the bed from a used place, so I won't get the combo playpen w/bassinet/changer- I'll get a regular playpen (super useful no matter where you go)- and I really want to get her one of those clip on high chairs that clip on the table. My SIL had one for her kids and took it everywhere, restaurants, grandparents, friends, our place....I really like them. The baby is more included on the table w/everyone instead of to the side on a high chair and since they are super active and on the go all the time, they can fold it up and take everywhere they go.
Bridal showers and baby showers are much the same to me
An event where the bride or mum to be has this glorified sense of worth, needs to be the centre of everyone's attention and gets a shi*load of freebie gifts from people instead of being responsible and buying it themselves.
personally, me being pregnant and puking several times a day, a baby shower would be a hell no!! Me and my husband did our own baby shopping together.
if you aren't capable of buying your own shi*, you shouldn't be having kids or getting married