Wedding Bummer Part Deu (oo)
I got an apology folks. This is a man who never apologises and I got an apology. For his anger leveled at me due to me not knowing the location of the beautiful wedding. As the apology came out, then came the excuses and justifications. Then came my assertion that he has a very low threshhold for patience and its in all things. There is no time when he is NOT impatient. He yells a lot at work when something isnt working right, and his bosses (husband wife team) have spoken to him about it. They are very deep in their religion and never curse. So imagine that its a shock hearing him cuss out the engines.
I told him, well they make a LOT of money off you and each day say goodbye. And Im not a car, a hunk of metal, your anger hurts me.
Excuse excuse excuse.
But thats the best Ive gotten so far - an ackowledgement that "he did me wrong". He will be responsible for future His-side famly events. How this snafu happened is that he was sent an electronic invite, he RSVPd and then did not recieve notifications. I texted his sister something unrelated and she texted "so Ill see you guys at the wedding next week" and I texted back "wedding? what wedding? Oh THAT wedding (that was postponed a year because of COVID lockdowns) so we scrambled getting time off. So I had the info, just it was buried in old texts. And there are not less than 5 different possible locations that are used heavily as wedding venues in this particular valley. So, it REALLY was on him, to keep track of. And we will in the future be more in synch when these things happen. He will be on top of things.
As to the rest of it - it was a beautiful day, with beautiful emotional proclamations of love.
It was also interesting to note, that as I spoke to a few other "outsiders", they also spoke of the feelings of exclusion. that no one really takes the time or effort to get to know us as people. The feelings are real - not imagined, and this family really doesnt do much to include spouses and as I mentioned on someone elses posts, its as if they are preparing in each photo, for the possibility of divorce. But in a family as large as his, there seems to be a greater "turnover". Husband is the youngest of 13, and now there are new babies to fawn over...which is fine...but it seems like we spouses just are not valued.
So Im feeling validated today. The "Feeling of Bummer" is less. And Im over the anger at Feral Forger. Im actually ok with Feral Forger being a jerk - it further solidifies her position of never living with me.
The nice thing about the non-apology was that I was able to let him know about my "coming holiday anxiety", and we talked about last year when things were so miserable. So we came to some new agreements - if Feral Forger calls him for a ride in the middle of whatever, he can go do that, within reason and I will accept that. She only calls when there are no other options (not true) and she HARDLY really calls to ask for anything (sure ok, she only calls when she needs something, she never calls to create a relationship). But I can accept all that. Disengagement. .
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I will admit that I take care
I will admit that I take care of a lot of stuff for DH just because it makes me less anxious to do so, than to leave it to him. But if he ever yelled at me for not doing right what was his to do in the first place, I'd tolerate my anxiety and make him do more.
He didnt yell
He made "angry noises". And said a lot of snarky things. And expressed his frustration by saying "this is so retarded. OMG!" many times.
But yes, Im just better at keeping track of our scedule of events. Im the event schedule manager of the family, and it makes me less anxious as well.
But he will be on notice that he gets to do all this stuff from now on.
Well, that would be enough
Well, that would be enough for me. And I would have said, "excuse me, it wasn't my responsibility to figure out how to get to a wedding on YOUR side of the family in the first place!"
My DH seems to appreciate that I take care of this kind of stuff, he knows better than to get snarky about it.
Thanks
I never know what to say in those situations. Because I dont think like that.
And typically we are MUCH more organized than this...but in those occasions, he really needs to scale back on his temperament. Im glad your husband is smart enough to appreciate you.
Im working on him. I complain about the bad stuff, but there is also good stuff in there too, and he does appreciate my organization skills...he recognizes that he is bad at communcation...we are making progress in many ways.
My DH knows he's got it good
My DH knows he's got it good - and no offense, he doesn't have the selfish streak that yours does.
Selfish
Im learning about his selfish streak - its hidden well because he will over do and then you get impressed by that. But its there.
That's called lovebombing. It
That's called lovebombing. It's not "overdoing", it's lovebombing. It's what keeps you hooked in this cycle. Lovebombing doesn't just happen in abusive relationships. It happens just as easily in unhealthy ones.
Love bombing
Perhaps youve hit on something I havent been able to see.
But also, lately he hasnt been much in the love bomb phase. So, now that its not happening I notice more.
Our dynamics are due for a change. I havent been doing as much, and I have discussed that he needs to keep track and keep himself in the loop as to family events in the future.
And there it is again. Ughhh
And there it is again. Ughhh.
I also handle a lot for my DH
I also handle a lot for my DH but man, he bends over backwards to make me happy and to let me know how much he appreciates me. He does a lot for me in other ways, he is not selfish.
I have no problem with couples helping each other out but sometimes I wonder if your husband deserves all that you do.
Hopefully this year's holidays will be better than last year's!
Mine is the same. He thanks
Mine is the same. He thanks me all the time for what I do to make his life easier. If he didn't, I wouldn't do it.
I dont know about deserving
But I do know that he did not like me volunteering. And after many years not volunteering - putting my energies into him and SD15, I am ready to put my energy towards that which will appreciate.
He didn't like you
He didn't like you volunteering? In what way? You suppose to like him being gone fishing all the time or chilling with buddies all the time but you shouldn't volunteer? What are you supposed to be doing then? Sit around? It makes no sense
My volunteering
I would voluneer a lot for different local events. Either during the week or during the weekend. I was at the time "underempoyed", so he thought it would make more sense to be spending my time making more money. So now that I am making more money to the level where we are not stressed out, I think he will be more amenable to me taking my time and energy elsewhere. Ive started a few different things off. And it is unsettling, but hes letting go more.
Yea. It makes no sense. Unless you understand that his culture the women cater to men. Im supposed to be at home cleaning while he goes fishing. Im supposed to be hostessing his dude chill time.Or have dinner waiting for him when he comes home. I see it now for what it is/was.
I certainly understand the
I certainly understand the culture. I am not surprised he demands things but you don't have to comply. I am not surprised about his demands. I am surprised you alwars agree to do what he says. He wants things but it doesn't mean you must do those things. Are you scared of him?
Also he makes no sense. Ok in his culture women take care of men while men are providers but he demanded you go work more and bring more money in. It wasn't that he wanted you to stop doing things outside of the house and stay home be a housewife cook and clean. He wanted you to work more. So him insisting on traditional roles just doesn't ring true.
You have every excuse for him. For every single thing he does. You have an excuse. But I get it. I've been there, done that. Wasted years on wrong men. It's sad to watch others fo that. He will never change
Not scared
pressured by a hostile attitude. I think you hit on something - it wasnt that he didnt want me to stay home, its more he wanted more financial stability. Now hes being more supportive of me doing things on my own, with my friends, because he also needs his space.
Time will tell, and very soon, what direction I will go when the circumstances are right.
Still all about him; what HE
Still all about him; what HE wants, what He needs, what HE supports. Jesus.
The problem with the non
The problem with the non-apology is the excuses and justifications mean that he doesn't really get it, is only apologizing to smooth things over or maybe appease his own guilt. He'll do it again after some time passes, unless you hold the boundary of no longer planning for his side of the family. Maybe next time when it's his fault you should yell at him!
Glad at least there was some type of validation in there for you.
Right!
It will happen again, because hes not getting it. Its ALWAYS justified so its always ok...but its not.
Sadly he keeps doing it
Sadly he keeps doing it because you are allowing it and you keep doing things for him that he should do himself and you keep forgiving bad behaviors
He is not stupid. He gets it. He just isn't willing to make changes. That's who he is. And there is no reason for him to change. He knows you aren't going anywhere no matter how bad he acts
Another talk
whereby I told him that his apology wasnt sincere because he had justifications and he doesnt think he needs to change anything. So we will see. Has made a promise that he will not continue venting his anger at each and every frustration.
I kept my mouth shut last night as SD15 b/m was mentioning a trip to the mall with her friends, and he was telling her to get a ride organized. Normally I would be helping with rides. Hes taking that on because I will not offer, and plus I am BUSY. Growth is happening.