Stressing about Feral Forger SD23

I cant stop thinking about Friday night. Not second guessing the rightness of not having her move in "for just a month", but stressing about whats in store for the future.

She has to be out January. I was told this, not by her but by Sweetheart Cousin.

What I suspect will happen, is that Husband will be conscripted to move her stuff for her again. And Im trying to make plans for the holidays.

Because I kept things light and airy, she didnt manage to ruin the weekend. But theres all kinds of possibilities for ruination of Christmas and New Year's.

Do I discuss things with Husband, or do I continue NOT talking about it. As if Im not worrying and stressing. We havent said a single word of it all the weekend. Everyone has been REALLY quiet and nice. Extra nice. Its eerie.

I just wish I had enough money to get her a room in a home share and just tuck it all away...the thing is she is a ruiner. She ruins every place shes ever lived. No one can live with her for long. I dont even know where shes at right now, and so theres no way to find out the whys of things, to solve whatever issue it is. Is it non-payment? The filth? The stealing? The horrible temper tantrums? The lies? Theres no fixing any of that...

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I'm so glad he told her no,

I'm so glad he told her no, at least for now I think you are safe. I don't think I would bring it up anymore.

It has been asked and answered and sometimes it is just best to let it go.

Ok, so pretty much everyone

Has the same opinion - DO NOT BRING IT UP.

My pattern of discussing these things has only brought me misery in the past. I need to create new healthy patterns.

Let it go will be on my mantra list.

I think, like me, you're a

I think, like me, you're a caretaker. No matter how much crap you take you still have this urge to step back into the fray to help.

I think, unlike me, you don't have a partner who will call you out immediately and keep you from selfharming again by dropping your well needed wall of ice. My Mr figured it out by himself, he realized my beyond disfunctional childhood put me in into permanent caretaker mode. It's my go to. It makes me feel needed even when it is going to end badly. I'm still chasing love, still having hope. I think that's why I tend to be a hardass with you. You and I set outselves up. We selfharm because we hope that maybe, just maybe this one time things will change and we will be appreciated and loved. We will not be and we will not be.

Maybe we should tag team each other. Stop each other from hurting ourselves. I do it by adopting the elderly, even though I really am just setting myself up to feel unappreciated and it hurts me. I'm chasing my dream of my mom finally seeing me and loving me.

I'm not sure what you're chasing but I do know that anything you do is not going to give you the result you want and I don't want to see you hurt yourself again. It's like picking an almost healded scab.

You need to put that need for love into a different path, one that you put into and it doesn't turn around and hurt you. This, your husband's kiddos (both of them) is not it. Please don't act on this.

Tag team

Am I "it" today? I will go with that. Yes, I need the steptalk lifeline for when Im second guessing the rightness of what I am doing.

But also, these thoughts really prey on my conscience. As well as fear of the drama she will bring. When Husband gets upset about something, rather than articulate and discuss, he lashes out about whatever is going on that is unrelated. Knowing this about his personality, I am on pins and needles about how he is going to react, while trying not to be walking on eggshells.

Her causing drama and be ignoring it will be my best recourse. Thank you for this reminder.

Ive no desire to continue the self-harming.

My issues are probably feelings of rejection, or rather experiences of rejection. So I do this thing of "no contact with x" and then consider giving them more chances (to reject me). And the pattern repeats itself and is mirrored in different aspects of my life.

like me, you let the most

like me, you let the most recent bruise heal then when it's gone from blazing purple to dull yellow... you stick yourself back out there and bam! they hit you in the same spot. So the bruises never heal, emotionally you're a mess. But now you have meeeeeee and I'm down and off my feet for a few weeks so we'll hobble through this together and avoid those bruises upon bruises upon bruises we keep setting ourselves up to get.

His kids = his problem. offer no solutions, listen and be vague w/ your replies. let him work it out and if he moves her w/ his truck? no sweat off your boobies, find an event to go to and tell him you'll see him after. SHE. IS. NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

I would leave it alone and

I would leave it alone and enjoy your holidays, this mess is for FF and your DH to figure out. In your last post it sounded like DH is not going to allow FF to move back into your home so that is good, as long as he holds true to that I wouldn’t worry about the rest. FF will figure it out or she won’t, that is for your DH and her mother to worry about. I understand you have a good heart and just want to make sure she is safe, but sometimes people have to learn to float on their own.

My visions of her homeless

Well, Im fairly certain she will land on her feet as she always does. I think what I am most worried about is the fallout with Husband. Im worried and stressing about what his reactions will be.

you are worried. you are

you are worried. you are stressing. you. breathe in, then as you let that breath go let your worry go. it sounds silly but I had to teach myself to be Elsa and let it go. it is what it is, you will get past it but it's not your worry so stop carrying it. learn to say 'it's not fair to take this out on me. let's talk when you're calmer. I love you too much to fight this with you, it's not our fight"

Stop doing this to yourself,

Stop doing this to yourself, hon. This is the part where you often struggle - AFTER you've done something healthy. Just keep quiet and keep moving forward. You're the only "normie" in your step situation; your behavior can set the tone and even teach your H and YSD what healthy looks like.

Widen your lens and pace yourself. FF is going to have these "emergencies" throughout her life. Look at JRI - her disordered SD is in her sixties and still pulls the big red handle regularly. So carry on with head high. Your H DID handle the situation correctly, and your YSD (what are you calling her now?) will take her cues from you. If the subject comes up, remember to keep a little victim status - you're worried about FF, and sorry things have to be this way.

JRI

Yes, shes everyones view of a possible future with disordered SD.

I pray that SD23 Feral Forger doesnt get pregnant ever...because they sound very alike in the drama arena.

SD16 Power Sulk. LOL. Actually after Sunday, when I made hot cocoa and invited her to have some, she was back to munchkin-style sweetness.

Poster child

Yes, SD61 is the poster child for dysfunctional, unhealthy, mentally ill SDs.

Oh, you can absolutely count

Oh, you can absolutely count on SEVERAL unplanned pregnancies between the two SDs. It's coming, so get your long game going.

Keep On With Your Plans

Continue working on not giving her head space. Yes, she will try to ruin the holiday. She can't if you don't let her. If your DH needs to rescue his kid, let him go but continue on with your plans "as is." He can do his task and then re-join the party. Not only will you end her plans of destruction, you are putting the full weight of her BS on her father, where it belongs. I did this one to DH and he's never missed another family event. Difficult to explain your going rescue an indiividual who cannot plan properly, who has no issue pulling dad away from a family event, etc.

When you start faltering or wanting to do good for this individual, stop and think. Meditate on your past with her. Your answer will come quickly. Again, not that you don't care. Its that you CANNOT care for to care is to cause yourself harm. Then move on with your happy life.

Plans

I am taking all the great advice, and turning my brain off where it comes to SD23 FF, and onward and forward. Just got invited to a Christmas eve dinner with SIL-Calm. Small group. Dont know and havent asked what SD16 PS is doing with her mother. Because of illness the weeks changed and she is with us that week.