Before step life
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Before becoming a step parent, I never realized that there were people who didn't care about other's feelings. That is they did something awful to someone else, that they wouldn't feel guilty. That their guilt wouldn't eat them up from the inside. I didn't guilt understand that there were people who cared about themselves only. I truly believed that EVERYONE had good intentions... even if they were misguided... I knew there were psychopaths that had something WRONG with them... but I didn't know there were people who were just AWFUL. then I became a step mother
A naive perspective, but...
A naive perspective, but... not a bad hope. Not bad at all.
I am one who cannot care about the feelings of toxic people. I care about behaviors. If they behave, fine. If not, they are shit and it is game on for me to make their existance one of increasing abject misery. Those in blended family life have to protect themselves
I was definitely naive... my
I was definitely naive... my friends always told me I was so gullible, and honestly I didn't see that as inherently bad... it meant I believed in people... I get that people hurt people... and I just thought, it was the way they grew up, or it was an accident, or they just got so mad that they lost control. I always thought there was a reason something happened... but no... I've learned that some people just are terrible people and ONLY think of how you can benefit them... that blew my mind... it was so hard for me to grasp that concept until I was thrown into the middle of it.
Oh yeah...I've done a lot of
Oh yeah...I've done a lot of reading on narcississm, specifically covert narcissism and malignant. The dynamics in step life gives a ripe enviroment for this type of personality disorder in SKIDs. There are always exceptions to the rule but for the most part stepparents, specifically stepmoms are seen as a object to be plundered and taken from or left completely rejected and abandoned. It's ok to realize these things - keep your good nature just place your energy elsewhere. <3
Same here
Pretty sure my xH is a covert narcissist. It's a sick realization that not only are there people who are shameless/guiltless, but that many of those people actually enjoy causing pain and suffering of others.
I got nauseated from living with someone like that, and got a divorce. Freedom is priceless!
Yes 100%! Good for you
Yes 100%! Good for you StepUltimate.
Your introspection is far
Your introspection is far more than I ever have or ever will invest in why people do what they do. What they do is what dictates how I deal with them and how I consider them. Be pleasant, I am interested in knowing you. Be toxic, I am interested only in destroying you. Why you are toxic I really do not care about. The baggage someone has is their baggage. If they refuse to fix it once they are adults, that is on them. As are the consquences I bring to bear if they choose to propegate their crap behavior in my direction or the direction of people I care about.
Bullies are the prime example. Target me, they went to the hospital for reconstructive surgy and carry a life long physical reminder of their poor choice in behaviors. In the blended family world, the SpermClan were bullies, they paid with the fullest experience of financial, legal, and social pain that I could marshal against them. Eventually they crawled back under the slime covered rock they reside under at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool and for the most part have stayed there.
I appreciate that your sense of humanity was core to you being who you are. I am sorry that your experiences have proven that sense of humanity to be an inaccurate perception.
I do believe that generally people are good. I go with that until they give me reason to consider them differently. I also believe that even with all that is bad in the world, there is more that is good.
Take care of you.
You were or are not the only one who feels this way.
It's take a special person who has kids , then distroy everyone life by divorce. As can't stay together for 18 years fir kids to grow up. To make everyone pay for there screw ups.
My stepdaughter was not a
My stepdaughter was not a product of marriage. Her parents were together for MAYBE 3 months, as soon as BM found out she was pregnant she left my dh.
My daughters were a product of an abusive marriage... I left my ex because he was abusing me after my oldest was born... and going out i was pregnant again after leaving... even then, I believed that his abuse was a product of his upbringing, and the outcome of his anger... not just that he was an awful person... it's different than what my sd is... my sd is cold, calculating, manipulative, and will set up a situation just to get one of my daughters in trouble, because she's bored...
As Rags said believe the
As Rags said believe the behavior not the words. You've got her number. Countless times I have given "the benefit of the doubt" with my adult SKIDs. One in particular does incredibly damaging and hurtful things then plays "dumb", calls his dad after he does something awful and says "Daddeee but we are good right?" Never tries or cares to figure out if he has hurt another human being, that human being would be me his step mom. He is a grown MAN. One of his recent stunts made me angry but when the anger passed I thought, "You know? This is not the type of values, character, behavior of a person I associate with. He's grown. He's made a large terribly mean decision - it does not impact me financially, physically or verbally. It does impact me emotionally, but I have control over that. He's not a nice person (pretends to be SUPER nice and very vulnerable but does so many games and crap behind the scenes) and I minimize my contact. Slowly but surely I have been drifting further away and it's been great. If they're small you may have to endure this but once they leave the house change the locks and never have em' back.
Though simple and direct,
Though simple and direct, categorizing people by their actions prevents them from fooling you with their words.
Don't tell me, show me. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Ive learned much in my 10 years
Move, and counter move, anticipate and protect.
They dont care about you, and will turn on a dime when feeling threatened or triggered, or to offload.
Growing up, and probably up
Growing up, and probably up until I was 35, I believed that everyone is ultimately good and are trying their best, and that hurting others is just a byproduct of poor planning, miscommunication, bad childhood etc. etc., and that if you only managed to listen to the other person's point and put yours across well, they would totally understand you, be remorseful and would not hurt you again.
I had this proved wrong to me multiple times in personal and professional relationships. Yes, many people are good and try to do what they think is the right thing, but there is also a significant percentage of the population that is just BAD and putting yourself in a vulnerable position (touted by modern pop psychology) by opening up to them, meeting them halfway or whatever will only give them more ammunition to hurt you again, but more effectively. For whatever reason they enjoy inflicting harm on others, and you don't need to know that reason, all you needed to know that the effect is just the same on you. I met the more extreme end of these people in the locked up population I met through work, and the less extreme as colleagues, bosses and former friends.
Every time someone hurts another person, they make an active choice to do that. The words they give you about their reasoning don't matter, especially if they repeat their hurtful actions twice. Their actions tell you all you need to know about their real reasoning.
Exactly! I truly thought that
Exactly! I truly thought that everyone was "good", mistakes could be made, people COULD get hurt, but that people would feel guilty. I knew people could do bad things, but maybe it was out of necessity, poor upbringing, angry feelings... but in the end they'd feel guilty, scared, sorry...
But the complete lack of empathy, manipulations just so that she could get her way, using people as pawns in her little games... I never understood that people were really like that... it is insane
Sad reality
Its ashame to say that mental health is a huge problem in our country. The best you can do is seek counseling for yourself. You can not change or fix other people, but you can learn how to best deal with the situation.
I didn't know there were people like that until
I met my ex. He is 1000x worse than my Sdiablas, or BM for that matter, and they are awful. He's a true psychopath. Scary sh*t.
I'm sorry that happened to
I'm sorry that happened to you, but I am so glad you came out of that. I do feel sorry for who ever ends up falling for sd's tricks and marrying her. DH feel for BM's tricks, BM told him that she's unable to have kids, he was young and stupid, didn't always use a condom... and BAM magically BM was pregnant... such a miracle... I'm sure BM just wanted a child, and saw it a an opportunity... but yes, DH was STUPID as well... sd's while family is sociopaths. They see opportunity to get what they want out of people... they don't see people... just opportunities