The brat is baaaack
As predicted YSDiabla26 is back. I was going to wait a bit to see how things play out before my next blog but since ST is shutting down I'm posting early. To refresh, YSD was offended because I told her that she cannot boss me around in my own home. This "offense" was so great that DH told me that she wouldn't be coming back to our home anymore. I never for one moment believed that. What she was doing was testing the waters to see how much control she could exert over DH. It is all manipulation.
To his credit, DH held firm. Now that her tactics for triangulation in our relationship have all failed, she has nothing left but to return to our home to try to start fires here. This is exactly what I predicted would happen if DH did not run to cater to her elsewhere.
First, after the "event" (of me telling her "No, you cannot boss me around" YSD and OSD mailed a "care package" of crap to ONLY DH. Then they invited ONLY DH to join them for a vacation. DH asked me if I'd like to go too and I declined. To be exact, I told him, "I'd rather go ANYWHERE other than where they are." So, neither DH nor I went to visit them.
From here things continued exactly as I would have expected. They are quite predictable, no crystal ball needed.
Next YSD took on a temp summer job close to our area. She "invited" DH, who is retired, to come DO her job for her so that she could go on vacation with her friends. DH said, "No." Lol
She never tells DH her plans until the last minute because she likes to play coy. She took ANOTHER temp summer job in our area. She expected that she would be monopolizing DH's time during this period but what she didn't know, because of her lack of communication, is that DH and I were leaving on a 3 week vacation of our own. So, YSD was stuck in our area, unable to cause any drama while we were gone. I am not connected to SD social media but DH posted lots of photos to his social media of how much fun we were having.
She asked DH to spend time with just her when he returned. DH agreed to a day with her but upon our return he made an error in double booking. He forgot he had a doctor's appointment so he had to cancel on YSD. Then he rebooked with her only to realize that yet again, he made a mistake, another schedule conflict that could not be changed, and so he canceled on her again.
A lot of men are not really great at keeping track of what's on the schedule, DH is no exception, even when it's his own schedule that he made. If SD's were smart they would realize that only communicating with DH is like shooting themselves in the foot.
I can only imagine that by now SD was pretty steamed that all her scheming and conniving was for not. Fast forward to now, SD is baaaaack. She told DH she'd like to stay here for a few nights and of course he wants to help her out. She lives a transitory life with no home base, other than BM who she fights with constantly. BM lives far away in another state.
YSD26 is currently in our home, staying for a short period before she heads back to BM. She is staying in our guest house. I haven't even seen her yet. For some unknown reason, DH met her outside upon her arrival so she didn't have to even come inside to say hello to me. DH seemed anxious about her arrival (probably because of the nonstop drama she brings) and rushed to greet her.
The shunning has already begun. IMO this is unsustainable. I am watching and waiting to see how this all plays out. It seems she will be here for a very short period of time so hopefully I have little to zero interaction with her. DH will get to deal with the brunt full-force of her diablaness himself.
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DH will get to deal with the
Good. Stand your ground. Don't let that manipulative little bitch in your house.
Well, unfortunately she can
Well, unfortunately she can come in the house anytime she wants but she is chosing to hold herself at arm's length. Thank-you for the good wishes tho. I prefer not dealing with her so I am counting my blessings of not having to see her but what annoys me is having someone in my house that can't show even basic courtesy and respect such as saying "hello" upon arrival. I'm hoping DH gets tired of it too but you know these Dad's can be very blind. Alternatively I hope she decides she doesn't like it here since she is no longer catered to and in the future she stays elsewhere.
I literally snort laughed at
I literally snort laughed at your DH double booking and canceling more than once!
Lol, me too!
To be fair, DH is usually not THAT bad about being reliable but we were on vacation and out of our normal routines when SD began badgering him to see her.
I imagine it went something like:
1. Whiny SD26 demands "one on one" time with DH as soon as he lands back home. 2. In his hurry to appease the diabla DH impulsively agrees to a day without thinking it through.
The funny thing to me is that I predicted in my own mind that it would go exactly the way it went. SD was likely furious that we were away on vacation without her, thwarting her plan to be a pain in the a$$ the entire summer. I also knew that she would be pestering him to see her as soon as we got back but that we had preplanned events and obligations, therefore she would likely have to wait a day or two. Brats don't take kindly to having to wait or be patient so I am sure that just pissed her off further. Lol DH in rush to avoid conflict and appease her agreed to meet her without consulting me, or his calendar.
Oh well. Not my problem.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know how you do it. Deal with these adult WOMEN bouncing back and forth. I've about had it with these mid-20s adult babies. When does it end?! I have nothing but sympathy.
I doubt it will ever end with
I doubt it will ever end with these 2. They are high-functioning, entitled brats and in some ways their being high functioning makes it even worse. Neither are financially stable enough to afford their own place. They are transcient and travel all over the place, staying with acquaintances or in cheap hostels or housesitting in order to stay for free and not pay rent. In between, when these short-term gigs end, they are either back at our house or they go to BM. Neither are truly financially independent.
I recently read an article that young adult "kids" in their 20's are no longer meeting what used to be traditional milestones such as moving out of their parents house, becoming financially independent, getting married or having kids. Instead they linger. That could *maybe* work in intact families but it really doesn't work in step-families.
Yeah. I realize that SD28 is
Yeah. I realize that SD28 is my SO's daughter and his feelings are very different from mine. But I don't think i can deal with her, even from down the street. Like, i don't think i'll be able to stand it. Even if she has changed somewhat, her behavior last time was so bad, i don't think my feelings can come back from it. It's like a physical revulsion. It's also the lack of control we have over steps. We don't have all the information and we don't feel we can speak freely without deeply upsetting our partners. With my own children, i ask what i want to ask and say what i want to say. In a step family, especially with steps i met when they were adults, it's just different. I see them as the adults they are, not the cute babies they used to be.
Milestones are not met because parents do not force them to be.
Right now I am watching a movie on Winston Churcill called The Gathering Storm. It is about marital, family, and political career struggles prior to WW2 with significant focus on saving his marriage. A major issue is his insistence on continuously bailing out their adult son Randolph from his debts which was apparently a huge part of the financial crisis in his marriage. His wife was done with their eldest playboy spawn while coddle daddy Winston would "talk to him" without ever cutting him off or shipping Randolph off to some colonial backwater to fester or fight in some war with the locals. Which I find interesting because Winston's own father forced Winston into the military. Winston's American mother apparently though hesitantly supported that move.
I'm only about 1/3 through the movie so there may be more regarding Randolph, his crap, and how mommy and daddy Churcill dealt with him. If they did at all.
The successful do not just appear. They are made by parents who raise them with standards and that hold the spawn accountable to performing to those standards.
There is a notable wave of material starting to develop on the FAFO parenting movement that is apparently replacing the gentle parenting fee fee focused movement of the past couple of decades.
This is long overdue IMHO. Continually rescuing repeatedly failed Kidults is a waste of everyone's time and resources. Few of them ever learn a thing from the rescue other than mommy or daddy will save them. These types must be left to hit rock bottom and then to drag themselves up by their bootstraps. Help is one thing. Full rescue is another. Help should have a huge dose of humiliation, ridicule, embarrassment and discomfort for the the repeated failure types. Pain is a far better conduit for life changing lessons. The pain of suffering the failures that one perpetrates on themselves.
So to speak.
IMHO of course.
Well...
...thank goodness you have a guesthouse! As for the main house, batten down the hatches. It was a year ago that OSD tried breaking into our home, which included every entrance possible.
May I suggest you schedule a thorough cleaning and fumigation after her departure? How do I know? OSD and boyfriend 'used' our guestroom and left it (and the master bath) a nasty mess. I was sick to my stomach when DH told me what had happened. I came home to the scent of bleach; thank goodness DH had thoroughly cleaned or I would have made other accommodations. I couldn't stomach going into the guest room for a long time. Yes, it was that bad! No, she does not have access to the house; YSD let her into the garage and left her alone. No, YSD does not have access to our house any more. Nor does MIL. They never will again. Period. Dot.
Thanks. DH is going to have
Thanks. DH is going to have to clean up after her. I am done.
Unless DH. has your back
It seems DH doesn't know where he stands, it's like he's playing mediator between the two of you. Not backing you up. This will crash and burn for him. With no one happy. There is no reason a 28 yo child to come home unless they made a mess of there life.
'
i realized DH doesn't want his DD living on the streets but instead of guiding her to living the proper live he's playing her games You can just disengage from all of this. BUT I would tell DH if he goes away with out you. He should stay there and not come home. You must draw tge the . Poplarville line in the sand
Guest house! I have actually put some thought into the impact of
an ADU in the failed SKidult dynamic and how that might represent a huge risk of the Klingon SKidult clinging-on and the guilt ridden breeder parent's reintroduction of the infection of the SParent-spouse's life by a toxic SKidult after the SKidult was supposed to be launched and independent.
I worked briefly for an ADU manufacturer leading development of their maintenance organizatrion, systems, and practices. An innovative very comfortable product that for damned sure will not create the level of misery and discomfort that is often required to purge the noxious spawn-dult from infecting yet again the life, marriage, and home of a SParent.
In fact, with my son's mental and emotional health struggles it is a topic that my bride and have directly discussed. Though we are both fully willing to help, I am of the position that we will not have the resources to fund the retirement of 3 adults and we will have to hold SS accountable for his own care, housing, etc... I pray that we are not faced with a collapse of his life to the level that his options are to move home or be homeless. Of course, we will not allow him to be homeless.
An ADU might offer a small separation of a failed SKidult's life and crap but it might also facilitate them perpetrating a career as a life long Klingon to the lives of the naively supportive parent/SParent couple.
If I were you, I would schedule an electrician and a plumber to install master shut offs to the ADU for power and water in a locked utility cabinet inside your home so you can force her out anytime you choose. In fact, I would shut it all off at 5AM and only turn it on at 10PM to get her TF out during daily extended work hours. I would do the same on weekend days just to keep the message clear.
My spidey senses are screaming and the skeeve factor is high regarding your DH's apparent. sneaking YSD into the guest house. Did you but a big red circle on the wall calendar with her exit date? If not, do it and make it clear to DH that SD's banishment from your home includes any and all parts of your home including the yard, guest house, etc... She stands on the curb and waves at daddy until she complies with YOUR requirements.
*wink*
Alternative housing
I hear your concerns about your son and you and your bride are wise to consider possibilities. I hope you don't have to provide housing, hope his situation rights itself.
But, if you are faced with providing housing, may I share our experience. We always had our finished basment, includng a bathroom, refrigerator, washer and dryer. The entrance is semi-private. All 5 kids lived there at one time or another, either as a kid or briefly as a temporary move-back for one reason or another. All went well til our disastrous year with SD63 9 years ago.
In desperation, to get her out, I bought my mom's condo. She and my disabled sister were coincidentally in the process of moving to a retirement community. Mom gave me a good price and it relieved her of having to fix it up for the market. It was sort of a distressed property after my sister's wheelchair banging into the walks and her dog's pee stsins on the carpet. We did some minimal work and moved SD in.
This has worked for us. It's about 15 miles from us, ie, not too close. She values her privacy and is grateful. She is very clean and makes improvements as she can. One thing I feel is important is that she must pay toward the condo fee, and pay on time. I dont trust her to pay it directly so she pays it to me from her disability then I pay the management company. She knows that the day I ever have to pay a late fee is the day it goes on the market. She also pays her electric though we pay the gas, insurance and real estate tax. Again, I think its really important that she pay though DH still hears her whining about $ and I know he'd secretly like us to pay it all.
What I'm trying to say is if you have to do something similar for your son, have him be responsible for some of the costs. He's more mature and stable than my SD but depression works in funny ways and they seem to revert to a younger, more dependant self.
A future upside is that the value per Zillow is almost twice what I paid. Its in a middle class community with an excellent school dustrict. With her poor health, anything could happen.
Good luck with your son and may none if this be necessary.
Thank you. We are hopeful that he can hang on for 5yrs & 8mos to
qualify for full retirement. Short of that we are hopeful for a medical retirement which will provide him with lifetime medical coverage at zero cost pension though much smaller than he would earn with full retirement.
His recent disability assessment has him at 75% should they decide to retire him medically. He has a degenerating vertibrae in his back and his phsychological and emotional Dx list. It is comforting that they are working with him. They have assigned him a lead role on a fixed schedule working 4x10s a week on night shift. They recognize his historic very high performance and his leadership and technical competence. Nights gives him a low stress environment and a small team to lead. Apparently the people who volunteer for nightshift in that shop are at the higher end of the performance and competence curve.
Knock on wood they will facilitate his career until full retirement. I am told by Sr NCO retirees that if he makes 16yrs they will pretty much facilitate his making 20yrs and retiring even with significant limitations in his ability to serve.
Rags, I wish your son the
Rags, I wish your son the best. It sounds like he has made good choices and worked hard. Hopefully he can put one foot in front of the other and push through to retirement.
In my struggles with SO's kids, i do try to put myself in his position and think what i would do in the same situation, and feel grateful not to be in that position.
My main issue is that i think my SO is operating on feelings. If i were dealing with this for my child and considering moving them back into my home, i would want to know all the relevant information and formulate a plan. Have a clear goal, steps required to achieve it, a timeline, and the understanding and agreement of said kidult. Even if the goal was for them to live in a POD in the backyard. If the kidult were not capable of understanding or following a plan, *I* would have a plan on how to handle them in advance. What boundaries to put in place to handle it without destroying my own mental health or finances. Without destroying my relationship.
It sounds like you and your wife would act similarly if the need arises. Hopefully it won't.
Thank you Rumple.
Please take care of yourself. Though we have the challenge of a kidult struggling with mental and emotional health issues, we have a solid partnership to stand on as we face those challenges.
Your relationship with him, his multi baby mama troubled kids situation mixed with his own issues is a perfect storm.
Praying...
...for your son's health and that he has a successful outcome.
Rags, you are the unicorn here, in the fact that your son is respectul and there is a loving bond between you. That is a major blessing. So many others here experience the opposite, to varying degrees...some SKs are just a nuisance while others are downright abusive and destructive.
DH and I have talked about adult kids living with us and we both agree that "No" is the definitive answer. It has got to be even tougher when it is not a 'your' child. Were I not married, my stance would be the same; however, I have not been faced with making that decision. So, do I really know what I would do? I know DH has verbalized to me that he worries about OSD being homeless someday, yet maintains that she could ever live with him. (She did short-term once and he could not stand it...she is lazy, messy, does not follow house standards/rules, he had to hide any valuables and liquor, plus lock a storage room because she would steal.) She has very volatile relationships with her many partners and has never been successful living on her own. (Nor has she had a successful relationship.) I truly do not believe it would ever come to it, but if he were to try to move her in with us I would walk.
Thank you for the prayers for my kid.
I did notice in our recent discussion that DW had a visible reaction to my stance that a halfway house would be a better path than him living with us.
Not that we would allow him to be homeless.
The challenge to him not living with us is that my parents are leaving their huge home (5200Ft^2 6br, 4ba) to DW and I jointly. So, he could have the entire upstairs (4br, 2ba). The main sticking point would be his cat. I cannot have a cat in my home. I am incredibly allergic to cats and dogs both. The only pet option would be either a non allergenic dog breed or a hairless cat. Even a hairless cat might not work as the main allergy associated with cats is their saliva. It has a virulently allergenic protein component to it as I understand it. Their constant lick grooming can be the main source of cat allergies.
I love cats and dogs. They kill me. I have been in the hospital multiple times (Denver Children's Asthma Hospital) growing up due to allergy induced severe asthma attacks. Yep, my shit genes giving me auto immune diseases. One of the saddest days in my life was when my personal Belgian Shepard left to live on my GP's farm. He was completely black, glossy coat, and a great dog. he was one of my Christmas gifts when I was 7yo.
Not being able to bring his cat would likely result in our son turning down moving home. His mom is convinced that no cat would mean no housing for the kid in our home if it comes to that.
I pray it does not and that he gets his full military retirement in 5 years when he is 38 and has his 20 completed.
I must admit that it did
I must admit that it did occur to me to have the hot water heater mysteriously stop working. Lol
We are strongly considering selling our home within the next few years and moving to a far away state, where my family is from. It would be nice to be closer to my family and SD's are insufferable snobs that probably think they are too good for visiting an area that they know nothing about.
She is leaving soon. The bad news is she is coming back to our area again in a few weeks for another temp housesitting job in a neighboring city. I don't ask questions so I have no idea how long she'll be around nor do I know what her plans are after that job ends. I suspect she will continue to be a PITA.
Rekey the locks for the house and the guest house!
I suggest electronic programmable locks so you can cut off her access to the guest house if necessary and to take access out of daddy's hands. Sadly he has proven himself to be highly succeptable to their manipulations. Even when he can grow a spine with them.
He needs you. You keep his testicular fortitude front and center regarding his failed family baggage.
If there was actually something wrong and legitimately officially Dxd in the diablas there could be a different way of dealing with them. Degreed adults who pull this shit are wastes of skin and should be highlighted as such.
Live well and prosper.
Thank god you have a guest
Thank god you have a guest house! I can honestly say that would be a life saver for anyone in these situations...
I think your husband is anxious because he knows there could be tension between both of you
I am sure that if she enters the house perimeter, it will be OVER and a big conflict/drama will happen so it's best to keep her away! Bide your time until she leaves...Who knows you may not even have to see her
Yes, I am very thankful for
Yes, I am very thankful for the separate space. It was awful when SD's had rooms down the hall from DH and I. Those rooms have since been converted, no more SD's next to our room.
You are correct that it is best to keep my distance. I do think the reason she is here is to create a conflict. I will avoid conflict for as long as possible. If she is blatantly horrible enough, I could see DH telling her that she's not welcome to stay here anymore. Right now we are still testing the waters. For DH's sake, I hope it doesn't get to the point of completely kicking her out. It would be best to stay amicable but I'm not holding my breath for that to be possible.
Thanks for sharing. I just
Thanks for sharing. I just wanted to say that your interpretation of YSD's motives make a lot of sense, and her actions would just not be coherent unless you understand the underlying cause which is that she's trying to get your dh's attention and cause drama. There have been many times when I've noticed similar patterns in SS's behaviors and choices, but then the guilt kicks in. I start to question whether it's truly fair to attribute to SS ill motives, and why can't I give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps to other people, his actions seem random and maybe chaotic. Dh often attributes SS's behavior to adhd in order to explain the why. In the meantime, my mind tries so hard to dissuade mysefl of the actual truth because it's not "nice". That messes with my sense of competence in my ability to understand and know what is true.
I've been working on recogonizing and accepting my own perceptions and feelings in the blended life. I think your comfort in your perceptions and understanding of the situation and the actors involved is what I aspire to.
That's nice of you to say.
That's nice of you to say. Feeling strong in my own self is a work in progress. I stll question myself as well but I think that questioning is part of the human condition, at least a human with a regular conscience.
I still question myself when/if DH puts some of the burden of his failed family dysfunction on me. I don't think he's conscious that placing blame on me takes the heat off of himself or SD's. I know intellectually that it's them, not me, but it's easy to get swept up in the "dirt pile" so to speak when DH tries to frame it as "both of you don't like each other" kind of way. I have to realize in those moments that he's wrong and it's him and it's them, not me, and I am stuck having to deal with it unless something changes.
Yes, definitely stay grounded
Yes, definitely stay grounded in your truth, and stand by that. So many things conspire to knock us down - we're the adults in the situation, so it's on us to take responsibility/make things better; the "evil" stepmother tropes that cast a suspicious light on our motives (SKs as kids are innocent); false equivalence between the SKs aggression and our reaction to their aggression (which might be aggressive), etc. I can't wait to be understood by others, so I have to be clear about my own judgments and stand by them even if no one supports me. In life, usually truth and fairness ultimately prevail. If I'm always alone in my assessment about what is true or fair, I'm probably out of touch with reality or narcissistic. So it's hard when no one seems to be backing me up on what I think to be true. It helps when I can have the support of dh, though that is often not the case when it comes to SS.
I think you should beging a
I think you should beging a new hobby. maybe painting or something big enough to need that guest house to become your art studio. perhaps painting nudes of actors and musicians.. and of course she's more than welcome to camp out on the studio couch amidst your masterpieces.. or maybe you've decided to take up pottery or pretty much anything that's bulky and in the way. Paper mache life sized clowns maybe ..
Slasher art!
Let the diablas sleep surrounded by works in progress of grizzly scenes. Spiders, axe murders, etc...
I like the killer clown sculpture suggestion.
Great suggestion. I am
Great suggestion. I am actually starting a new challenging work project. I do need to remove myself from this nonsense.