Dear Abby got me thinking, and now I'm feeling resentful.
Reading the Dear Abby post got me thinking back to pre-skid era. My house was my own. Everything in it I owned. I had a guest bedroom. I did not have toys, video games, and Disney Blu Rays all over the place. When DH and I first moved in together, he moved into a house I was renting. It wasn't a big house, but it was all I needed as it was just my DS21 and myself. DS21 and I remodelled the basement into a bachelor pad for him, and we were quite happy to have our separate spaces. When DH and I talked about living together, I honestly (even though I knew he had 3 kids) never pictured what having 3 skids EOWE would do to my home. I wanted to live with DH, he was over most nights anyway, and I loved spending my spare time with DH, so why were we both paying separate rents when he spent most of his time (besides EOWE) at my house anyway.
Fast forward to us living together. The skids of course had to take over my spare bedroom, and my home office as their bedrooms, my only living room is always strewn with kid stuff, My bathroom has a cartoon fish shower curtain on it. (I had to ask DH to replace my beautiful white one when SS11 decided to wipe fake Halloween blood all over it, and he picked one, that does not match my décor, but because the skids liked it) DH did not bring any of his furniture with him when he moved in with me as his was very run down and out of date, and my place was completely furnished with newer more modern stuff. Now because of skids jumping on and spilling on, and generally just ruining everything, my furniture is looking worn. I don't regret living with my DH, but I am feeling resentful that the skids just seemed to take over every nook and cranny of my space. I can't say anything to DH about it because it's his mission in life to make sure that the skids feel like this is their home, and all we do is sit around waiting for them to come over EOWE, like we have no life outside of their visits. I am looking forward to the days when they become teens and don't want to visit as often, but I am also scared that when they turn 15 they will all want to live with us because they hate their BM's DH.
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Sorry, I think I worded that
Sorry, I think I worded that wrong. We don't actually sit around waiting for them EOWE, but DH likes to act like that when the skids are around. Like if we do something fun without them, he doesn't want us talking about it, because their feelings get hurt. He just doesn't want them to think that we do anything without them. Even this weekend I'll probably have hide the beautiful flowers DH got me for our anniversary because the skids will be upset that he didn't get them anything. Although thinking about it, he will probably make sure that they each have a new toy, or new release movie or something because he can't do something nice for me, without them complaining.
Becoming more and more
Becoming more and more resentful is not going to be good for your relationship, you need to talk to your DH and his kids need to be taught how to respect the home.
So, he wants them to feel like it's their home. He doesn't think they should respect their own home? The other people in it? The furniture? I certainly knew better than to jump all over the furniture when I was growing up. I also knew that I had a bedroom but the rest of the house was not just mine to do as I pleased.
Seriously, talk to your DH and take your house back. They don't need to take over every nook and cranny. Their crap does not need to be all over your living room and I would tell them so.
If you ever get a chance to
If you ever get a chance to watch 'The Middle' there is an episode about taking the house back from the kids. Its funny but has so much truth behind it.
Love that show
I feel your pain! DH and I
I feel your pain! DH and I bought our house together. But unfortunately when it comes to skids, DH acts like he is sole owner of the property. If SD16 wants to have a friend over? then DH makes the SOLE decision that she can. If SD16 wants to trash up the only bathtub in our house? Then she can. I have had a sinus infection on top of a cold for almost a week now and I would LOVE nothing more than to take a nice hot bath with Jacuzzi sprays beating on me, BS4 is, well, FOUR... he likes to take baths, and play with bath toys, and have bubbles but neither BS4 nor I will use the bathtub because it is always full of globs of SD16 sasquatch hair, 10 or so bottles, empty, half empty or full, of shampoo and conditioner and 4-5 razors. So BS4 and I just use the shower in my upstairs bathroom. If SD16 wants to paint her room pink? then DH makes the SOLE decision that she can. Meh, the BEST one yet is when DH TOLD me that he was going to pick up SD16 because she wanted to move in with us, I mean I guess THEY discussed it, THEY decided and I just get told??? I could go on and on.
HOWEVER! If I say, "hey DH, why was SD16 taking a shower in my bathroom, when she has her own bathroom downstairs. I really would prefer she not use mine as it's clean and I'd like to keep it that way" then I'm an asshole and I just hate SD16. If I say that I would prefer that SD16 not help herself to MY things, then I am an asshole and just hate SD.
IT'S MY HOUSE TOO! WHY THE FUCK do I get NO say about what happens in it???
Ugh! I hear you there. I love
Ugh! I hear you there. I love my DH and we are very happy most of the time. But the skids get to me in ways I don't remember happening with my own children. Maybe it's because my children are grown, and a little part of me thinks I should be done with little ones. I do try to tell DH the same things, like they have their own rooms, and TV's and players in their rooms so they shouldn't be allowed to mess up the rest of the house, and it's the same. "Why do you hate my kids?"
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. After my divorce, it was so great living in the house with just my BS. When DH first moved in, it was only for six months when his apartment lease ended and before his next deployment. We had to make some changes to accommodate EOWE. It wasn't too bad but after DH deployed we had to make a lot more changes, most of which I hate. I hate pictures of skids all over the house. I hate that they take up two rooms for 6 days a month. I hate not having a spare room anymore. I hate my son being upstairs instead of the main level. Now DH is moving back in next month when he retires from the Navy and that has brought more changes. I love DH but I really do hate all this. DH and I have refinanced the house in both our names but I have been there 11 years. It still feels like just mine. I'm hoping we can get back to some of the way it was before when we go back to EOWE.
Plenty of intact families
Plenty of intact families don't over compensate, so why do split families?
... and THAT is the one million dollar question right there!
I get resentful about lost
I get resentful about lost space. The kids stuff stay in their rooms. I make sure of that, but having lived in a 4/3 prior to living with BF, I find that I don't have room for my stuff. Two adults share one room but the two kids get their own room. I got spoiled having a large house to myself (with my former BF, no kids) and using spare rooms to store my belongings. I have gotten rid of most of my stuff and I still feel like we are busting at the seams. I would love to have a closet with all my clothes and shoes. Right now some of my stuff is in the hall closet, SD's closet and our closet. We live in a tiny old house. I wish BF didn't pay 1/3 of his paycheck to BM. We could have a larger home.
Oh, I feel your pain! I was a
Oh, I feel your pain! I was a single gal in my own house when I met DH and a few months later, SSs 3 and 4!! Having no kids myself, my life before them involved a quiet pristine house. After them, EOW the whole house was turned into a kid fest! I will say that after DH and I had our own DS together, life with the SKs got easier in that regard, since our house became a lot more kid-friendly overall. We struggled for many years with all the SK issues. And in our case, just before they hit their teens, they started wanting not to visit. We now are many years later...SSs are 20 and 18 and definitely have their own lives, which hardly ever involves us. (They live 2 hours away & attend college in BM's town.) While I wish I could give you words of wisdom for getting through it, I guess the best ones are, "This too shall pass." My DH and I have been married 15 years and have our 2 DSs 13 and 7. We see the SKs when we can, but they are such a minor part of our life. It was worth it to suffer through all those years to have the fantastic relationship with DH and our own family I have now. (The best part being, we have been child support free for the past 6 months!!) I am so happy I hung in there, because things truly are as wonderful as I thought they would be. Now my house, that's another story! LOL. Due to MY DSs, it's always a mess ! However, I would say it's a million times better, and I'm happy. My best advice is to hang in there. I wouldn't trade anything for the result of having the life I have with my DH and our boys.