SD,24 blames me for her not moving in
Okay-I'm new to this, so please bear with me....
I married 4 years ago to a man i've known for 8 years. I had no contact with the SD, 24, who was in college at the time we got married. When I did meet her before we got married, she was rude, hateful, and had NOTHING good to say about me or my son. We live in a small town, and my husbands' ex and family all live here, too. The SD took great delight in saying that I was a gold-digger, and telling everyone she was so embarrased the her dad (who is 15 yrs older than me) was acting silly for his age. Well, lucky for me, my in-laws like me, his step children from his previous marraige like me, and we decided to ignore the stupid comments from SD.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. It has been OK with the SD for a little while, I have tried to be a good stepmom, set limits, etc. So when she told her dad (yes, TOLD) that she was going to move into our guest house, I was somewhat comfortable with it...until she began to tell me that I needed to move the furniture out because it wasn't her "taste"-WTH!!! Thank goodness dad said "No, the house will stay the same". SD grumbled but said alright. The date was set ffor her to move in at the end of May, and life went on. Meanwhile, my 20yr old son, who was done with college for the summer, asked if he could stay with us until he started his job on May 15th. Both myself and his SD agreed, since it would not coincide with SD moving in (main house is off limits to both kids-they stay in guest house when visiting). Well, SD called dad and asked if she could have a party at the house when we were gone. Dad said yes, since we were both at the family ranch working for a few days (no, I was not asked my opinion about the party-only daddy was asked...) well, my 20yr old was at the guest house, and I had planned to go back to town for an event, so I got a little uptight. My husband explained that it would be fine, they were going to have the party at the barn, and she would leave after they were done, not going to stay in the guest house, etc. WRONG. When I got home, both houses were wide open to people coming in and out, loud music, and lots of drunk people. I calmly went into my home, closed and locked the doors, and tried to relax (My son came over and joined me-he said SD made it clear he was NOT welcome). They wound up their party about 3am, and I got up at 6 am to help at a bake sale. SD showed up at sometime that morning and made an attempt to clean up (That really did suprise me, she has a history parties that have not been cleaned up..) and the day went smooth. Until the next day, Mothers Day...
SD declined to come over, stating that she needed to spend the day at her BM house. That was fine, I understand and accept that. We had a house full of family and friends over for a BBQ, so we were busy entertaining when all of a sudden, SD comes storming in, screaming at her daddy that she "thought she had a place to live"! (she saw some of my sons things in the guest house-it really made her angry). Daddy told SD yes, you do, but not if you are going to act like that. So, long story short, SD stormed out, blames me, says she has never accepted my marraige to her daddy, husband and I are hardley speaking, and I am the bad guy-go figure.
I need some help. I really love my husband, my son loves him, but we cannot take the emotional crap that keeps being handed to us.
P.S. This is NOT the first incident, just the latest in her terrorist attacks..
It's difficult to understand
It's difficult to understand why your husband is not speaking to you. Up until then he seemed to understand that his daughter had a problem. Of course there are two sides to every story.
I think you need to dis-associate yourself from this young woman. For her antics to bother you you have to accept that there is some credibility in them. If I were you I would tell your husband that you're simply going to ignore her comments and actions until such time as she grows up. Which won't be soon.
Meanwhile make sure his affairs are in order as it pertains to any rights you may have after his death as I assure you his daugher will make that transition as difficult as possible. I.e. she will do her best to see you on the street with only the clothes on your back as your share of the inheritance.
Thank you for your input.
Thank you for your input. This past weekend husband and I had a long talk about SD. He has come to realize that she is lazy, spoiled, and manipulative (I had him read some of the posts on this site-it REALLY woke him up!) So, as of now, we have written a new will, affairs are in order to make sure there is no fighting, bickering, etc. We'll see how it goes. As for you saying "there are 2 sides to every story", you are very correct! That is my favorite saying! But, in this story, it's all very true-the reason husband wouldn't talk was because he thought I was being to harsh by not wanting a party at the house. When he found out from the neighbors what I had already told him, it hit home. Thank you to everyone on this site-you have made me realize that I am not crazy, and you have allowed me to vent a little.
THANK YOU!!
The only thing that concerns
The only thing that concerns me about your posts is that your husband doesn't accept anything until he gets a second opinion. Didn't believe you until he read some of the posts on this website; then didn't believe you about the party until some of the neighbors confirmed it. Sounds like he has a trust issue with you for some reason. Maybe it is just hard for him see this jealous side of his own daughter. and it may take time.
Rancherswife, Keep up the
Rancherswife, Keep up the good work! I agree with 'ricki' - DH needs to trust what you are saying to him and it seems he is not setting limits on SD. If he was present when the party ended at 3am it should have been a BIG red flag to him. When she stormed into your house and made a scene in front of family and friends she should have been banned from your house OR the guest house. She is acting like a 6 year old. She needs to grow up - and Dady should be setting more limits with her. It is very typical for a DH to shift the blame to the SM because he doesn't have the courage to do the right thing. How would he react if your son was acting like out that? Don't allow it. It isn't you.
Thanks-DH does have issues
Thanks-DH does have issues beleiving people; it's because sd has lied soooo many times!(so did his ex). As of this past week, SD has only returned one call to DH, and when she did, it was to tell him she was depressed because she can't find a job. (This being because she lied to DH about going to college-we paid her rent, spending money, etc for 1 1/2 yrs while she was "getting a degree in dental hygine...) GO FIGURE! DH and I have had a long talk about him babying her. It isn't going to make her a better, productive person in society to keep bailing her out! As for my son, if he ever did anything like what she did, DH would have been upset, and the consiquences would have been harsher because he is male. By the way, SD has not given either of us an apology (no big suprise there) but I made it clear to DH-she is not welcome in our home until one is given not only to us, but the family as well. Here's hoping thing get better-
SD 36 screamed and yelled at
SD 36 screamed and yelled at me before Christmas, being downright nasty (nothing unusual) and accusing me of making her uncomfortable, etc., etc. With the help of the people on this site I found the courage to say to DH "Enough is enough. She's not welcome here unless I get an apology." She was so mad she didn't give DH a card or even call for his birthday. I have a feeling I will never get that apology but hey! It means I don't have to put up with her hateful bull anymore. YEAH! Stick to your guns. You deserve to be respected as your husband's wife. Good luck
okay sandye21, now I have a
okay sandye21, now I have a new prob-DH is feeling sorry for SD! We were relaxing after a very hard day working and he said,"I think i've been to hard on SD..." WTH!!!! after so much progress, what can I say?! I think I need a little help here...What can I do? I am a little afraid to bring up the past, and bring on a new fight, but, on the other hand, I AM SO TIRED!!!! I can leave, and am almost to that point. DH is a great guy-just can't see what a loser his daughter is! (she is a moocher, like BM)
You don't need to fight, just
You don't need to fight, just be firm. The less said the better but you need to stand your ground. When I wrote to this group after my Christmas fiasco, Rags wrote a wonder post about how the marriage should be the primary focus. He can feel sorry for SD all he wants but you have the right to be treated with respect in your own home. Rags found and posted the following 'Step Parents Bill of Rights' a couple of years ago:
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
If I were you, before giving
If I were you, before giving up on my marriage, consider counseling and from it, make the changes in yourself that would effect change in others. Your husband is an enabler for his daughter and if there is a way for you to have him discover that, the counselor will help you find it. People treat you the way you let them and that goes for your husband in his relationship with his daughter. Maybe you need to disengage and just look out for your son; then let hubby worry about his daughter and don't let yourself get pulled into it.
Thanks-I will do that. Had a
Thanks-I will do that. Had a good talk with DH; no yelling or screamin, just stated facts and told him how I felt. We'll see how it goes...