Does SD live w/you? How long have you been married? If DH doesn't stick up for you, your marriage is indeed in trouble. He has to face and accept the issue that SD is causing conflict in your marriage. She's his daughter so he needs to step up and set her straight. Disengage from your SD asap, get your DH on some meds and make sure he sees his little girl for who she really is. . . . a trouble making twit whose sole purpose in life is to destroy your marriage. He needs to tell her to mind her own business, focus on her own life and future and stay out of yours.

I know how you feel and what you are going through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I made the mistake of moving in w/DH and SD when SD was 25 (3 years ago). It's been one issue after another. I did it against my better judgement but DH wanted us to bond. During a family meeting I found out that SD was going behind my back talking to DH about me. SD talked about me to DH and he defended me, and told me "he loves you." Geez, you don't say?.

It's been a long and tough road as we've dealt w/her being lazy, etc., and if I didn't love DH I would have left a long time ago, but he was in my corner and he realized the problem was SD and not me. He constantly had to talk to her about her behavior in our home and her actions toward me. Then she pumped the old "daddy Shannon doesn't like me" BS into his head and he would throw it at me everytime we had a fight. I reminded DH of all the stuff SD had pulled and asked him if I'd had a son who'd done that to him, how would he feel. He didn't open his mouth and hasn't mentioned it since. I told him to never every tell me anything else she has said and that his job was to shut down those type of negative comments.

Before we got married, our clergy told us that outsiders could try to destroy our marriage. I reminded him of that. At this point, things are better because for the most part I've disengaged. I'm cordial and may chit chat here and there, but that's about it.

Now the sad thing is that now SD is trying to make an effort to be a decent human being, but I don't care anymore. I've been hurt and will never give her that opportunity again. I forgive her, but I know who she is. SD will be moving soon . . hopefully and is getting married next year. I hope the karma bus is merciful.

Stay encouraged, and don't let her destroy your marriage.

I got from your bio details that you have been married 4 years - but I don't get a sense from your post of how good/bad the marriage is generally, and whether you really want to stay with DH or not.
One thing is definite - you cannot allow the fact that your DH has high blood pressure to stop you expressing your feelings - that would be completely mad, and the relationship would never survive. I don't want to sound harsh, but that is his doctor's problem, not yours. DH sounds as though he needs to be more assertive, but it is unlikely this is going to change, as with us older step parents, it is hard to learn new tricks.
If this girl lives with you, I would suggest you make her get her own place, quickly - she has no business living with her dad at her age, anyway. If not, then how come she gets to come over to your place and make trouble with her dad and you and get away with it? I would refuse to have her over until she is prepared to be more civil to you.
The therapist will be on your side, and hopefully help you to be more assertive about your own rights and feelings in this situation. Hang in there, don't give up on the marriage yet, unless you really feel you have had enough of DH, as well as his vile daughter.

Or....you could just disenaged from SD. Doesn't have to be forever....just long enough for her to catch on to it. That way she'll learned that she is no longer in control of you, your life, your marriage. If you just ignore her, she really WILL "go away"!

I disengaged 100% from SD25/baby maker/golden uterus just about a year ago. I also disengaged from SS26 about 99%. It's been wonderful! DH was not happy about it at first, but I stood my ground and stood up for MYSELF and he has calmed down. I no longer feel that I HAVE to do a damn thing with/for his kids. If there is a family function (not at MY house!), I decide if I feel like being there. If I go, I ignore SD25 completely. Saw her a few months ago and she was actually NICE to me, tried to have a conversation and everything. I still pretended she was a gnat in my ear, don't want her to think for one second that she's going to take advantage of me again.

At any rate, it sounds like SD is running the show at your place. This needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW.

I figured you still loved your DH and wanted to make things work.

Tell SD she's not welcome in your home unless she apologizes for her behavior on Mother's day. She knows she can come over, cause conflict, then leave and I'm sure she gets a big kick out of it. She thinks she's winning. And by many accounts, she is. You're so upset you're ready to end your marriage, and DH is so stressed out he's made himself sick to the point of endangering his health. All this could be avoided if he'd assert himself and give SD the reaming she deserves.

Take the power away from SD. Disengage until she starts acting like she has some sense and treats you and DH w/the dignity and respect that you both deserve. I would indeed cook and leave to avoid her foolish BS. And it would also send a strong message.

Your last comment is something I used to say all the time "this is just too much." Marriage is a big enough adjustment as is it, but when we also have to deal with pathetic adult SDs who can't let go of daddy, it changes the entire dynamic and becomes unbearable. If that weren't enough, we also have to deal with DH's who won't call them out on their bad behavior.

It's time to put your foot down and get ready to fight to save your marriage. So in addition to counseling, you're going to have to stand up to SD (if DH won't) and set her straight so she'll know she can no longer wreak havoc in your relationship. Hopefully she'll get a life.

I would have told DH to exit . .stage left. You should have called his bluff and told him to leave. How dare he make you the bad guy when SD has caused the conflict. How about her acting like an adult? It's typical of DH not to make SD accountable, but demand it from you. That's why she's acting like the brat that she is. I truly feel your DH is your bigger issue, not SD.

In my case, I told DH if things didn't get better, I was ending the marriage. First it went from SD being a witch and SD not asserting himself regarding her behavior, to watching DH's emotional attachment to SD grow stronger than ours. I felt like I was the outsider and told him so. It was a miserable situation. I then went to stay w/my sister for a few days. When I came back DH did a 360 and those problems are now in the past. My intention was to put fear in him and it worked. I was unhappy any way, so what did I have to lose. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.

Your DH has to be on your side. Hopefully the counselor can help him see the light. Once he's on your side, he will set SD straight. But if he doesn't, you will have to and then you should disengage.

I've found the best way is to be cordial at all times, play nice in front of others, but stay away from her. If SD and I are alone in the house, she's lucky to get 2 words out me. I retreat to the comfort of my bedroom, and read, watch tv, chat on the phone, or do anything to bring me peace and serenity and avoid her and her negative presence because she's done too much. Life is too short, and I would have never caused anyone the type of conflict she's caused us during the important first few years of marriage. And I'm sure she knows why I'm as cold as ice.

Many others have recommended the book "Step Monster." So you might want to check it out. I was going to purchase it, but at this point I don't feel I need it since SD is leaving soon and things are tolerable at this point. I only wish I would have known about it before I got married.

Excellent. Hopefully you'll gain some insight. Maybe I'll pick it up after all. Let me know what you think about it.

My SD was sugar and spice and every nice too . . before we got married. She also told one of my sister in laws, "I don't want to do anything to cause them any conflict." Which was a bunch of BS. The only issues/arguments my DH and I have had have been regarding SD.

If I were you, I'd cook tomorrow and then leave and go see a friend, etc. Tell DH to tell his folks you went to visit a friend in the hospital or something. Tell him you're not playing her game any more, and you're not going to be forced to sit and play happy family until SD apologizes. If he gets angry at you for, head for the door. It's about respect. When he puts SD's concerns/feelings over yours, his allegiance is to SD . . not you . .his wife. And that is unacceptable.

I'm often subjected to being at family functions that included SD (DH has a large family), and I've learned to tolerate her presence. . which is sad considering we live in the same house.

Excellent. Time to put something on DH's mind to show him you mean business.

Indeed. It's quite common. SD acts like a moron, and when DW has an issue with her behavior, SHE'S the one w/the problem. We're supposed to sit back, and keep quiet to keep the peace. When DH's won't stand up, they give SDs the green light for more foolishness. Over my dead body.

In once incident regarding my SD, when DH didn't do anything I got nasty and SD steered clear of me. She didn't want to see my full wrath. It's dangerous when you push people. You never know when they're going to snap.

Rancherswife, I didn't read all the replies but it is obvious from your original post that SD is causing tension. I think it was very kind of you to ask to talk to her about what was on her mind. Good thing is she actually talked to you rather than snubbing you. My oldest bio daughter has REAL serious issues with reality. ALOT of her issues with people is based on lies, lies she tells other people to get what she wants from them. Not sure this is what's going on but if it is the case you are up against a real struggle that is unlikely to change unless you change your approach with her. I am reading a book I would like to suggest. I have many of these people in my life and they will destroy you emotionally and your health will suffer. The book is, "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. I am in counseling and have been for a few months now, all because of these very manipulative people in my life. My eyes are wide open now.

My SD will play people off against each other, and it drives me mad!! When you confont her she does this bowed head, twisting her hands in her lap, silence and then does the big wide eyed scared and hurt look, I swear the only thing missing is the lower lip wobble!!! An Adult conversation with an ADULT would be nice !!
My disengagement really began when we moved countries.....I have not spoken or emailed or had any contact with her since then....DH signs my name in cards, but that is something I do for him, not her. It has given me the time and space to see I do not need such negativity in my marriage, I do not need to need to like her, and really if she was anyone else in my life and had behaved so I would have cut her off long ago. ( I have done this to some toxic friends before, so I'm not soo laid back and incapable!!)
I think she was playing DH and BM off against each other, way before I appeared, and saw me as just another puppet to be played, it took me awhile to realise this but now I am getting happier everyday, and when she visits soon, she will SEE it on my face everytime she openly lies to DH. I'm not interested in her games.

That is excellent news indeed. Many times I've found more often than not, that family members know exactly who is causing the problems.

I'm glad you were able to discuss the issues with DH and that you were able to enjoy the day.