confused and tired, is this the right time to seperate
I have not been on here for a while but I need some advise.
I have been married for close to three years. I have a 2 yr old and a 7 from a previous relationship. My DH has 2 kids from a previous relationship. Anyways over the last three years I have been really working at being a good wife. step mother, mother, and at being happy. I have seen a therapist for 2.5 years.
My DH and bio mom are in a visitation dispute. Any ways , last week they went to court. She wanted him to drop the case but he said no. The medator also said the court wouldn't either because nothing had been resolved.
The next day in the mail DH gets paper working saying the mother requested that a guarden at litem be assined to interview the skids about guess what ME because they both say they dont want to come over because of me. I have yelled while they are there and they are now afriad.
I did yell the last time my sd was there but my ss was not, I did not yell at her just in front of her. I did a year ago yell at my ss. Long story i have applogized, i feel terrible about it.
My DH is seeing a therapist who will eventully be doing co parenting counceling with another therapist and bio mom and dh and possible skids. He told DH not to worry we have a great home, structure , ext. He said i was human and yelling although it may not be great is part of being human.He said as long as i wasnt hitting them or something everything will be fine.
The thing is im tired, I have done more parnting work in the last three years than i think she ever has. Anyways i feel like i am done in the relationship. I dont see the drama ever changing and I know it is effecting my mental and physical health.
I dont think i can handle seeing my skids anymore and i dont want to take dh away from them, He wants to work things out with us but i need a brake.
I asked for a seperation before the paper work about the Gaurdin at litem came. My concern now is that i might be skrewing my dh over more because he will look unstable and will be forced to live in a motel or rent a room in someones house.
i love my husband but i am not sure that i am in love with him, i care about his kids and want what is truley best for them. I feel like i am at my breacking point but i also feel with the gaurdian at litem thing it might not be the time to take a break.
p.s. My husband has anxiety attacks everytime hehas to pick them up or deal with biomom. He ended up in the hospital this week he thought it was his heart but it was anxiety.
thoughtful and sensitive advise please
Well, I'm guessing this is
Well, I'm guessing this is the "worse" in "for better or worse."
Good luck.
In my humble opinion your
In my humble opinion your therapist is taking you guys for a financial screwing. Methods of dealing with outside of your head problems can be taught in two or three months. At most a check-up every 6 months - maybe two of them.
What gains have you seen in 2 1/2 years? Don't think of your therapist as a friend - they're nothing more than your gardner - just an employee. Don't be embarassed to move on and expect resistance.
Courts are used to whiney kids who hate their step-mothers for no good reason. With your experience at this site you are aware of the term "disengaging" aren't you? If not search this site and read the posts until you get the idea. I'll add my experience below. Wash these kids right out of your hair. You can be disassociated from these kids as much as if they lived next door.
Is there an expense for a GAL? Ask that the mother pay for it. Since you truly love this guy you can work this out when you get his kids out of your life.
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine
I've been in therapy almost 5
I've been in therapy almost 5 years but not because of husband he has a good heart. SD is reason forme now she has her own apt. all he does is mope around. I told him I feel he blames me for her moving out but in reality this girl wanted no bounderies and exhibited extremely bad sexual problems. I am so happy she's gone(doing the feel good dance)Now we just have to work on repairing the damage. She's evil I tell u pure evil
I have been married for a
I have been married for a little over a year - but living with him for 2.5. I am in a similar situation. SS12 lives with us FT with visitation to BM. SS12 now says that he thinks I show favoritism to my kids, and am mean to him, and scream at him for no reason. (trust me this kid is a piece of work!) SS12 and BM have said that he should just go live with her. BM says shes taking us back to court, blah blah blah
Anyway, I am in between a disengage and a depression mode. I am ready to walk, but my job is not stable right now and I am trying to figure it all out...but I am about to tell DH to go jump with SS12
I threaten divorce at least
I threaten divorce at least once every 2 weeks. He begs and pleads. I think he just does'nt want to have to work again. If I leave his pension would never cover his bills. I've been in therapy almost 5 years. Like the song Chicago sings" Feeling stronger every day"
I told my husband he used to
I told my husband he used to make me feel like a princess. It all changed once i moved into this house. I told him the other day now SD gets princess treament and all I get is crap" tell u what I'll let u know when I feel like your princess again". I don't need this crap he either makes an effort with marriage councilor or i move on point blank.
Wow that sounds so familiar
Wow that sounds so familiar lol, how can it be that bf believes Sd6 over me, he won't call me a lier though, she can do no wrong, talk about rose coloured glasses, we split up yesterday, I have no idea what is going to happen, I just know that Im sick of the whole situation, good for you for sticking up for yourself, I can't remember the last time I felt like his Princess.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. We did go to therapy together for the first time in over a year. It was his therapist or counsler for him and his ex to work on co parneting. After listening for a long time he told us a strong marriage could take all the B.S. from the ex or from difient kids or any thing else the world throws at us.
After thinking and crying i just dont think i am strong enough, I always thought of his kids as my kids, my family now i just dont feel that way. I just dont want to be hurt anymore. Orange County I like what you have to say your last line is really important and i wish i hadthought that way early.
Browneyed girl i feel like we are in the same boat, good luck to you.
Last night my DH told me he found a place near his work to move into. Part of me doesnt want him to leave but most of knows its the best thing for now. i am to emotionaly drained to even here from the kids how they are being neglected by BM and dont even realize it.
Good luck to all the step out there. It's so much harder than people think and i will never think of the eveil step mother the same way again.