SD Birthday Plans has me LIVID
So my SD (7) was asked by me what she wants to do for her birthday. She replies with "I want to stay home, it is safer there, I don't need friends, only family". Neither of her bio parents did anything about this and neither planned her a party. I looked up so many ideas, venues, things to do and ran them all past my DH (common law), all ignored. I asked him to give me $$, I would plan something. Nothing. I tried for 3 weeks to get something planned and nothing I offered was acknowledged. I finally stopped talking about it, thinking if bio parents don't give a F, why should I? So the day of her bday, I walk into the kitchen to find a store bought cake on the counter (that dad let her see) He did not involve me, let me help, go with him, offer input. Went and got her gifts without me, made her birthday dinner plans (grilling out) didn't tell me any of these "birthday plans". I was in no way included. I cried, I was so hurt. So I left and left him a note telling him how I felt. Nothing. He text me late that night and invited me to sing happy birthday to her, like I was just some guest. Bitter, I declined. So, him, her and SS14, celebrated alone. How I felt was never acknowledged. My daughter14, was not included, like we were nothing.
I've thrown up my hands. I don't matter. I am not family. I am not included. My opinions do not matter.
Maybe I am just cold now, but I just don't want to try anymore. Keep in mind, that his kids and I, have no relationship, and he does nothing to help us bond, only to tear us apart.
Thoughts?
I think that would be a
I think that would be a breaking point for me. That was a message, and you got it LOUD AND CLEAR. You are not part of his family.
Why is this a problem? The
Why is this a problem? The kid didn't expect/demand the moon and stars. Instead of dumping this on the OP, the guy took care of it himself. I think both the kid and dad rock. Both are keepers.
How many SMs here are dealing with SKs that have a huge laundry list of wants? Or men who pretend they are clueless when it comes to doing parenting stuff.
I just don't understand being upset because someone did the responsible thing. He invited you to come over. So he wantednto include you in the fun part, not the busy, leg work. Surely, when he asked you to come over, that included your daughter as well. You made the choice not to go.
Probably because OP spent
Probably because OP spent three weeks trying to make plans for this little girl while being ignored and ultimately left out. Treated worse than a guest/friend IMO.
Sorry this happened to you OP, sounds hurtful.
He should have just said he
He should have just said he would take care of it. Other than thtat, what he did was fine.
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This seems to be a case of
This seems to be a case of "when someone shows you who you are, believe them" - love that advice by the way!! Not sure who put it up there..but this seems to be the message he's sending you.. "you are not a part of my family".
Deal breaker for me also - give him up up and focus on you.
One day the man who is meant to be the one for you will find you.. give him time.
Yes, we live together. Her
Yes, we live together. Her birthday was actually on Sunday, he did all this on Saturday. My daughter and I left for the day, went shopping and to the movies, not knowing what his plan was. He text me while I was in the movies, asking me if we wanted to come sing. How were we to know that he wasn't doing it on her actual birthday?
^^THIS^^ If you saw the cake
^^THIS^^
If you saw the cake on the counter, he obviously had SOMETHING planned for his daughter. But you and your daughter left... and he texted you while you were at the movies.
This doesn't make sense to me.
When he was originally asking
When he was originally asking BM to help plan a party for her (to show the kids they could get along for the sake of them), we were trying to plan it on Saturday as the Super bowl was on Sunday and he didn't want to miss it. Yet, he never made any super bowl plans (that I was aware of) , so I didn't know what was going on. Yes, I said on her bday, because venting on my story, and angry when typing, that is the day it ended up taking place. I am not looking for anyone to call him a dick, just for advice on maybe how to proceed. I can't help but to agree with the lady above who says maybe he doesn't want them to care about me...
No, I didn't use my own money because he lives with me and I pay the majority of the bills alone, and just didn't have it. Perhaps I am just trying too hard to be a part of something I am not, or something they are not ready to have me in. I will do just fine here, just need to get my bearings and grasp on things. Things are just really tense at home on the weekends that he has them because I only have a 2bedroom, not knowing he was going to move in. The weekends are rough because the kids have no place of their own and its just hard on everyone and there are no common bonds. I think I am just in over my head. I guess I just got too emotional over all of this. They are his kids, not mine, and yes, I suppose he did what he thought was best for her and his family.
That I am a horrible person
That I am a horrible person and that I need to walk away from them, they need someone better than me and that I am trying to be someone that I am not (step mom role), that 1.5 years is not enough for me to have input, that I must be 22 years old, they feel sorry for me because of how awful I am. All I got was a lot of women trashing me with their holier than thou complex (babycenter). Hell I am not perfect, hence why I am here looking for help!
He and I have been working for months on our communication and trying to make things work with the kids. Just felt like a slap in the face.
I'll cop to being confused
I'll cop to being confused here.... You asked your SD what she wanted to do for her birthday. She said, "I want to stay home with just family." So you.... decided to try to plan an elaborate party out somewhere for her? And expected her dad to help you do exactly what she said she DIDN'T want? Honestly, it kind of sounds like you were trying to be nasty to her, like "Well I'll do the opposite of what she wants and make her Dad pay for it so I WIN MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm guessing that's not what was going through your mind though.
Which is why I'm confused?
Well, first, DH tried to get
Well, first, DH tried to get BM to plan a party with him, help get the invitations out and them split the costs. She said no. I even tried to plan a family dinner, asked DH to invite his parents, which was never done. Our concern when she said that was because she is so used to be isolated at home at BM house, we found it odd she did not find it safe to go anywhere, along with the fact that she doesn't *need* friends....only to find out she doesn't have any. I asked for us all to go to the Marvel Experience since they are both into superhero's, knowing she would enjoy that and nothing, I even offered to pay half on this. We could have easily planned a family night in, WII party, pin the tail on the donkey...but I wasn't getting any help or feedback. I could have just paid and planned it without his help, but that WOULD be putting it about what I wanted to do, not her.
Just my take, you said she
Just my take, you said she didn't have friends. In my experience, a party is not going to fix what is lacking. If she doesn't have friends, the reason is deeper-no social skills, an unpleasant personality, extreme shyness, bossy and mean......something.
My kids have been to one such party, years and years ago,out of pity. The family lived on the next block, but knew of us. The mother told us she had put $300 deposit as that was the minimum and it was non refundable. And that so far she only had some very low number say yes, like 2 kids, she invited us before in advance, we declined. Then the day before the party, she came to our house,,with the sob story of how only two kids were comin.,could my kids come, and they could even invite friends if it would help them enjoy the party better. So they invited 2 friends, so it was my 2, plus their 2 friends, plus about 2 others. I wasn't at the party, needless to say, it made no difference to her social situation.
Nice of you to try to help, but parties certainly don't have that much influence. And neither do SM in most cases.
Ah, OK, I get it! So your SD
Ah, OK, I get it! So your SD is having a tough time socially, and you wanted to make her birthday special somehow. Your DH didn't support you, so nothing happened.
So here's my take -
Your DH is perfectly aware that his SD is an awkward duckling, and he's playing ostrich and burying his head in the sand hoping it all just goes away. You tried to make him DO something, and in true denial fashion he just ignored it. This is "girl stuff". Emotion. Drama. Your DH likely feels totally out of his depth and clueless, doesn't like feeling that way, so he pretends there's nothing going on at all. You cannot force him to deal with this. And it's really not worth getting pissed over either - it isn't about you at all.
You CAN help the girl though, if you want and if she's open to it. Find something she likes and do that thing with her. Get her out of the house and enjoying SOMETHING. Once she does, you can start small with asking a friend who happens to have a kid the same age join you. The key to socializing is really to already be doing something you enjoy - and then you find sharing that with other people who enjoy the same stuff means you're actually making friends without trying. She's not going to find any friends hiding in her house, and you can't just throw her into a social situation (like a party) and expect that to work. But if you're willing to put forth the effort (and this is NOT on you as her smom, but it sounds like you do care for her) you can help her explore the activities she likes, and better social skills will come naturally from there.
Thanks guys! I really
Thanks guys! I really appreciate your feedback