Boundary Issues SD20
I am having a huge boundary issues with my SD20. She lives with me and my wife, her BM. She is in community college, only takes 3 courses per semester. She has no job. We are paying cash for school, plus pay for everything else. She never goes out and expects my wife and I to be her social co-ordinator. My wife has also told me that I must treat her like and Adult now. That means we get no quite time. I used to look forward to the time after she went to bed to have some "adult fun" with my wife. Now husband/wife time is limited to after 11pm at night and I have to go to work at 6 am in the morning. SD and my wife are constantly socializing with each other. we need to take her out with us every time we do adult activities or justify to her why we are not taking her someplace when we manage to get get out alone. SD gets very upset with us when we refuse to tell her what the plan for the weekend is going to be on Wednesday night, and demands to know every detail of the plan include what store we are doing grocery shopping at and what the grocery list is. We only go out now that she is an adult once every 3-4 months. Even if my wife stays home and I go to the gym or the store I am now told that I need to tell SD where I am going and that she now has equal say in our house. In addition to that she does not have a car and we have to drive her everywhere.
However evan though we need to treat her like and adult according to my wife. She still gets and allowance and we still do her laundry and we still pack her lunch.
This situation is driving me nuts and when I mentioned this to my wife the other day she said I understand that it is tough living in a house with 3 adults, but we need to make this new situation work and I should have known this was the trade off when we got married. SD was 7 when we got married and I assumed at some point we would be moving her in the direction of moving out.
Help me deal with this situation. What can I do to show my wife that I have legitimate complaints. Wife thinks that I am just jealous of SD. That is not fully the case. I fell uncomfortable when I get home. I have always been an introvert. I do not know what to do. Every time I try to talk about the situation with my wife she accuses me of either cheating on her or wanting a divorce. I want neither.
^^THIS^^ "Adult" presence in
^^THIS^^
"Adult" presence in a household has adult responsibilities. Your DW is emotionally crippling her daughter and insuring that she will NEVER launch.
If it's your house - kick
If it's your house - kick them out. No way should you put up with that crap. If it's their house - then pack your shi and leave. Find yourself your own place and the peace that'll come with it.
Your wife doesn't want a hubby - she wants someone for her and her daughter to mooch off.
You two, 2 NOT 3, need to get
You two, 2 NOT 3, need to get into counseling right now. This is headed toward resentment and a marriage without respect and intimacy. If you both truly want to stay married then talk to a non biased third party.
Ok not just no but HELL
Ok not just no but HELL NO!
She wants her daughter to have equal say? Then she needs to PAY UP! One third of rent, utilities and groceries. No adult would freeload off me EVER. My SS24 lives with us but he pays $300 a month in rent, pays his own car insurance and feeds himself, but there are still times I feel we are enabling him because he has no motivation to improve himself and actually move out on his own. Your wife needs to be told that she is not helping her daughter grow up to be a successful adult in any way. Does she want to be fully supporting a 30 year old? Because she is on her way.
By the way, I find it hilarious that your wife thinks it's tough living with "three adults." There aren't 3 adults, there are two and a 20 year old CHILD. Adults work and pay their own way, they don't mooch off others. The next time your wife says you need to treat your SD like an adult, hand her a bill for her rent and for Pete's sake stop giving her money for things! Your wife is delusional and quite obviously has no clue that being an adult is more than just turning a certain age. What a joke!
I second the counseling suggestion. STAT!
"Even if my wife stays home
"Even if my wife stays home and I go to the gym or the store I am now told that I need to tell SD where I am going and that she now has equal say in our house."
Holy batman Robin...what the hell did you say to that comment?
Shut this shit down ASAP or move out and make your WIFE realise she is putting her daughter first before her husband without even discussing things with you. How DARE SHE!! I would be LIVID!!
I second someone else's post..she is using her daughter as a shield to prohibit true intimacy. The relationship is doomed if you dont sort thus out ASAP.
A couple of things... First,
A couple of things...
First, she isn't looking at this from your perspective. I see myself being the same way when my kids are in college if they choose to live at home. But I'm not married. I don't have to worry about anyone else. She isn't doing anything wrong, except that she is making it uncomfortable for you, which is very wrong. She needs to understand that you don't look at your sd the way she looks at her "adult" child. It's a completely different relationship. I mean, it's like expecting a sparent to walk around naked in front of the skid just because the bio does, kwim?
Second, stories like this are EXACTLY why I dumped my bf of 2 years, and I appreciate when people share them. When they are 7 and cute, you just sort of assume that you have 11 years or so to go before they are on their own. But in some cases, they never are. Even if they move out, they are ALWAYS.THERE. ALWAYS. But this is not necessarily the child's fault. She either hasn't been prepared for this life stage, or she has a disorder that prevents her from moving on (I've seen it, and it's legit; possibly aspberger's or social disorders). The question you need to ask is why is MOM holding on? If you watched the movie Failure to Launch, you saw that the mom was afraid that once the son was gone, she wouldn't like her husband anymore. When everything's always about the kid, what's left when the kid is gone? The fact that she is defensive and accusatory shows that she has some anxiety about the dynamics changing. A counselor might be in order. Good luck!
This is my nightmare! If it
This is my nightmare!
If it were me, until we got into counseling, I'd put everyone and everything on ignore. Your wife says you have to do all this stuff, but you know you don't ACTUALLY have to do all that, right? Stop telling this child anything about anything. Leave the house and don't think you owe her a word of explanation about any of it. Don't pack her lunch. Don't hand her a single dollar bill when she asks for her allowance. Keep your cool with your wife and when she brings all this up, calmly insist that you're willing to discuss it with her in counseling. Let that be the only thing you say about the matter.
First of all thanks for all
First of all thanks for all of your comments. I find the reaction here fascinating. I posted the same comment on a more main stream parenting board and the respond I got was BM has all the rights and needs to be allowed to raise her kid as she feels fit and as the stepdad I have no rights. Also, I should have mentioned I have no bio kids and never intend to have any bio kids. Also SD stopped talking to her bio dad when bio dad offered to pay for a 4 yr college however he put conditions on paying for the schooling (go full time, maintain a certain GPA) . The conditions between SD and her mom was that bio dad was being unfair by putting any stipulations on getting an education.
I have tried some of the suggestions you guys have posted. When going out (after telling wife what I am doing), I have tried not telling SD and wife tells me that I need to tell her what I am doing because she loves you and wants to be a part of your life.
I have tried to enable her to get a job, but wife and SD both say that SD is not "ready" to work. Also 3 yrs ago we bought a new car and kept old car for SD. Wife and SD gang up whenever I mention this and say that learning to drive will take away too much time from her studies.
SD and my wife are constantly
SD and my wife are constantly socializing with each other.we need to take her out with us every time we do adult activities or justify to her why we are not taking her someplace
This is just weird and they sound like co-dependents.
You are supposed to treat your SD like an adult, yet your wife is treating her like a child and keeping her daughter dependent on her.
I am now told that I need to tell SD where I am going and that she now has equal say in our house.
Your wife has some serious issues.
I think co-dependency is very
I think co-dependency is very valid.
Wife bother (age 35) and wife's sister (age 38) are co-dependent on wife's parents, even though they both of families of there own. Wife's brother built a suite in his house for their parents to move into, so far they have refused, because they want to live equi-distant (to be fair) between the 2 other siblings (about 30 min). We live about 5 hrs from wife's parents and she is not happy about they. Wife's dad works from home and is in his mid 60's he is allowed to live anywhere in the world as long as it is near an airport.
Well, there you have it. And
Well, there you have it. And your wife doesn't seem the least bit interested in changing the pattern (would probably take some good counseling). She is really doing a disservice to her daughter, though (not to mention what it's doing to your marriage).
Sounds like you have a tough decision to make.
I have made it CRYSTAL clear
I have made it CRYSTAL clear to my SO that no adults will be living in my home other than my partner.
SD16 may go to community college her first year, work, and live at home to save money. No problem there.
She will come home for summer break and work. No problem.
I have no issue with kids living with us after high school for a BRIEF period of time to get started on their secondary educations, but then O.U.T the door you go!
No way would I be in this situation. I would have ZERO respect for my partner.
Sounds like the co-dependence runs deep with this family and it is NOT going to change. I personally would leave. Maybe you can live with the situation as is?
SD16 tried telling her Dad that when she was an adult, he couldn't tell her what to do anymore....blah, blah, blah....he started laughing and totally shut her down, "I don't care how old you are. I will not consider you an adult until you are living on your own and 100% supporting yourself with NO assistance from me."
That shut her up fast. And my partner got some extra special attention that night!
I find it very sexy when my partner goes all parental on his kids.
I know this is pervert but if
I know this is pervert but if you gotta treat an adult female like an adult, feed her, pay her ways, and answer to the bitch too then you should be getting Atleast a blow job. Bahahahahahaha!!!!
*from both bitches!!