Carolyn Hax: Dislike his kids? Keep trying or think twice about relationship
Carolyn Hax, advice columnist, has this in a current column:
Hi, Carolyn: Is it okay not to like my partner’s kids? We are planning on getting married one day, but I assume we will do this after some of the kids have grown up and moved out. There are just too many kids between the both of us (prior marriages) for us to live together until some do move out.
Okay?
[Dear] Okay?: Of course it’s okay not to like them — you feel what you feel. But it’s not okay to show you don’t like them; it’s not okay to badmouth them or get between them and your partner; it’s not okay to make plans as if they’ll disappear once they grow up, because you never know what they might need and what you might need from them; it’s not okay to quit trying to like them as long as you’re with their parent; it’s not okay to see your partner as anything but a package deal with his kids.
It is okay, too, to decide your dislike for the kids makes you a less-than-ideal match for your partner. Imagine you’re together still as he nears the end of his life; can you do justice to his kids’ needs in that moment? Marry him and you will have some dealings with these kids as long as you’re together, with the likelihood of the heaviest exposure when your partner is most vulnerable. You’re seeing one easy path (kids all move out) when there’s a complex web of them ahead. Please think this through.
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Needless to say, reading through the multitudes of responses/comments most of them are blasting the the letter writer for not loving the skids the way they should. Boy ... perhaps some of us seasoned SMs can add our perspective!
Is Carolyn Hax a SM?
Is Carolyn Hax a SM?
Based on her response, I'd
Based on her response, I'd wager she is not.
One of the commenters
One of the commenters said:
"I personally have zero respect for anyone who gets involved with a partner with kids and is unable to embrace those kids."
Man oh man. That person needs to spend some time on Steptalk and get EDUCATED!
I don't know. I don't think
I don't know. I don't think her advice is that unreasonable. Actually I think it sounds a lot like what many of say on step talk to prospective stepmoms. If you don't like the kids now, it probably won't get better and you should re-think the relationship. Kids don't disappear when they turn 18!
Personally, I think if you
Personally, I think if you actively dislike the children, it probably would be better to find another mate. I am not saying you have to love everything about the kids, but there are just so many problems in your future if you can't have a civil relationship with your partner's family.
Or, if you do not like my
Or, if you do not like my kid, even though they are snotty brats, spoiled beyond reason, entitled and really hate you, I will end up divorcing you because you did not embrace them with opened arms as they punched you in the in the gut while I just stood there an watched because I do not want to interfere in your relationship with them.
I do agree that it is a big
I do agree that it is a big red flag if you dislike someone's kids. But the same can be said of their mother, father and siblings.
Would Hax give the same advice if it were someone's mother? Don't get married if there are things about her you don't like? Ha... doubt it! I'm sure she'd say work on a compromise, blah blah blah.
She said "it’s not okay to quit trying to like them as long as you’re with their parent;" This is ludicrous advice in general. Maybe it might work for newbies with minor skids and reasonable ex spouses.
But try telling that to step parents who have been dealing with this for DECADES and the skids are now angry, embittered adults raising angry stepgrandkids who are used as ransom. Or young skids who have been PASd/coached by BM/F to accuse SM/F of abuse. Or adult skids who have stolen money, physically abused people, in jail, etc.
Yep. Those are definitely situations where you should keep "trying to like them." (Sarcasm intended.)
I married just my husband,
I married just my husband, who had adult children I've only met once before the wedding. They didn't factor in at all in my decision to marry DH, since I wouldn't be raising them anyway and they had their own homes and spouses.
Adult stepchildren are on their best behavior in the beginning. The jealousy doesn't creep in until after the couple gets married and stepkids get to see how happy their father is. That's when they want to start trouble.
Especially a SD, who finds herself divorced while her father is having a wonderful life with his new wife. That's when the jealousy really kicked in.
Carolyn Hax seems to be saying it's impossible to disengage. I would agree with that.
My SD was fine until we got
My SD was fine until we got married. Then she turned into a whole different person. When she attended our wedding she wore black and acted like she was at a funeral - and I suppose she was because it was the end of all of her hopes and drams that DH and BM would get back together. It went downhill from there.
Wow. My SD didn't wear black
Wow. My SD didn't wear black but our invitations said "formal attire requested" and she wore some frumpy outfit I don't even remember. In our wedding pictures, my family all looked beautiful and classy and DH's kids looked frumpy. Except for DH's grandkids, only because I bought those, they were the flower girls and wore a beautiful white gown with pink sashes. The photographer captured a photo of SD reading our wedding program before the ceremony. She had a look of disapproval on her face. Everyone else was smiling.
Righr. And what if everything
Righr. And what if everything is fine for a DECADE and then your SKs begin a massive campaign to convince your DH to leave?
They don't disappear when
They don't disappear when they become adults. Guilty parenting often ensures that skids never fully launch into adulthood or become independent. If "Okay?" thinks there are too many kids now, just wait until they start spawning gskids who will have needs and wants as well.
I think Hax nailed it. All
I think Hax nailed it. All of the interfaces need to be within boudaries modeled under standards of reasonable behavior. I would not want a partner who could not comprehend and live with me under that structure.
No, that does not mean that either spouse has to love or even like the other's kids. But, no deviations from reasonable behavior should be tolerated from either spouse, any kids, or extended family.