He is basically absolving himself of his guilt. I would tell him to get counseling to get closure rather than drag your financial future through the muck and mire. These poor adult children who couldn't possibly make it on their own, and BM can't function without him sacrificing himself to support them? Puhleeze.

Maybe he can give SS the house if he plans to buy out your half and also pay outright for his half of the next house. Otherwise, no, just no. My DH used to talk about how he wanted to give SSs money when they turned 30, I told him that was fine, but he better start saving. I don’t feel any need to financially support SSs and I too, have helped DH pay off his debt and repair his credit. It’s wont be my fault if SSs don’t know how to manage their money. DH didn’t get any money from his parents when he turned 30 and his parents were much more well off than he was, so not sure why he thinks he should give them money. He got an inheritance when SSs were small that he intended to use to pay for college and BM “needed” it to cover some debt for her business, so I figure she can pay for college, too.

If my DH told me he wanted to give his kids our house, I would laugh in his face and the if he acted like he was serious, I might speak to a lawyer about protecting my assets. I won’t be in debt in my old age because SSs can’t handle themselves. My parents have helped me when I absolutely needed help, but they were able to do that because they didn’t just hand out money like it was going out of style. DH’s mother is in her 70s and still has a mortgage, but part of the reason she does is because she pays for things she shouldn’t like student loans for SIL to get her fourth masters or to give BM $5000 after the divorce because she “needed it”. Of course when DH couldn’t afford a lawyer for his divorce and asked for help, MIL said no, so she does not feel the need to help out when help is really needed, but who’s counting.

If DH does try to give SSs money while he’s alive for silly reasons, I will ensure that all of our joint assets go to charity and that his kids get nothing when we’re both gone.

Still Learning, I really understand your frustration. Just when you think DH is on the right track of thinking he blurts out something outrageous. If I were in your shoes, I would visit a lawyer and see where you stand financially if you decide to split. Then I would calmly present DH with an itemized bill for your contributions to the home that you have placed as a lien on the house - which will have to be paid prior to handing the home to his son. Let him know that you have no choice but to protect your own financial interests as he seems to be disregarding them. My guess is that once he processes the potential consequences to his irresponsible actions he will have a 'change of heart'.

At what point do these guilty Dads think they'll be free of the guilt?
How much do they have to give away to make up for the fact that they are no longer married to their kids mother?

If they are living in abject poverty and working till they are over 80, will that be enough? When they are on their deathbeds, poor and alone will they finally say that's enough, I've given my kids and ex everything. I can die happy and free?

I don't understand it.

This post rings so many bells for me. When I met DH he had already had three wives (what was I thinking, really?) Apart from the first who he married very young his other two were paid off with a house each. His kids were grown up and (I thought) independent.

I was all too aware that although DH earns good money he had no savings and had bought a house that he couldn't sell when he met me. I did not want to live in the house he had bought with his third wife, and I had one to sell. So, although he lost a lot of money on his house we managed to buy a property with my money and we own it outright. We have it in common- which means we each own half because although I paid more for it, he has paid all the bills ever since and I feel it was a fair arrangement. I still earn a modest salary and have a small pension.

DH does subsidise his kids all the time, though. He helped OSD and MSD buy a house before I met him (hence his having no savings) and when MSD fell out with her partner we paid her mortgage until her finances were sorted out- as she didn't want to move house. We have also helped SS financially far more than was really justified.

I think the issue for us is that DH is coming up to retirement age but as OP said, I'm not sure that he will ever stop work as I feel his kids will just feel that need to keep milking him for all he has and right now I feel he too will drop dead before they stop their demands. I have tried so often to tell him that he is entitled to his own life and leisure but he doesn't see it. I no longer tell him what I think as he thinks I'm 'caustic.'

I carry on working because he does, I know his pension is not going to afford us luxuries and that's why he keeps working. But if he wasn't still supporting his kids so much we'd get by.

BTW I insisted we make wills to protect our separate kids entitlement. Both sets of kids get half the value of the house- I thought this was the only fair thing to do.

I think OP made a lot of mistakes in taking on this feckless, guilty man. I think people, including my own family, see my DH as a man with a lot of money but he has given most of it away and what do I get? These men seem haunted by their past mistakes and cannot see the reality of their impoverished lives.

I sometimes think I should leave him and insist he buy me a house like he did his previous wives, but I wouldn't see him sleeping on the street to achieve this. It would be a real wake-up call for the skids though!

I wouldn't stay married to a man who refused to safeguard our assets and retirement .

You need to go speak with a lawyer about protecting the money you spent on the home he owns, since he just wants to give it to his kid.

What is wrong with these skids? They have their best income producing years ahead of them. Taking money from your elderly parents is just wrong. They have the ability to earn and save just as we have. It's a life lesson they need to learn sooner rather than later.

Agree with Tx2step. For some reason these skids are viewed as victims and have lowered expectations to succeed in life. Plus it seems the BMs have trained their kids to think of their fathers as money givers.

Argh!! What a situation!!! Careful here Dad!! Kids might see you as the local bank and once you give you can not say No ever again!! Yes! I would advise seeing a counsellor and sorting this one out for sure!!! Good luck!!

Hey Still Learning, I don't know if this helps but my dh and I were going through similar. My dh & I did so much for his kids and they never appreciated anything. Then dh wanted to do more and more. Larger and larger.

I had my own home when I married and we sold my home & I moved into his home. He had gotten the family home in his divorce. I was treated like a house servant by skids (& somewhat by dh too) rather than any type of owner. Later we purchased a new home. The skids were totally jealous that dh & I would buy a nicer home. Recently we sold the old home that dh had when we married. My dh wanted to give osd30 10K. He said that his exwifes parents had given them 10k when they originally purchased the home. We had already done much for his kids and this was my last straw. We fought about it but then I simply told him I was not fighting about it any longer. I told him he could do what ever he wanted and I would not say a word but that I would do exactly the same thing for my bio kids. If he gives osd 10k I would immediately give my kids the same. Dh became angry and said "okay Jam, just give it all away!". He knew I meant it. I was sick and tried of feeling like my dh was really married to his kids. Anyway, this shut him down.

Good luck