The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not deal with them.
Do not go.

Tell your DH that he will simply have to accept that you will NEVER be around her. When he starts saying that you are being unreasonable or that you have to be the adult stop him.
Tell him that maybe if he’d told SD that she was being unreasonable or that she should take the high road (whatever argument he’s using on you) the two of you wouldn’t be in this situation.
Then walk away.
Be prepared for him to be pissy and angry. Again, point out to him that if he’d dealt with SD he wouldn’t be angry right now.

You can not change other people, you can only change yourself. Start some self care.

Stand your ground. You have the right to stand up and protect yourself. Don't even explain why you won't go, he knows why. He just expects you to keep the peace, not rock the boat and be a doormat like he is.

If she truly is evil her children will end up harmed emotionally and do you want to engage with that?

Go do something fun for you instead. You deserve it. You deserve to be treated respectfully and have a drama free life.
I am in the exact same boat. My SD30 is due to have SGK #3 next month. I will be expected to go or I will look cold hearted and petty. I am not going to go and I am sure there will be Hell to pay. But I just can't do it anymore.

I told my DH, NO. He has never stood up for me, protected me from her toxic antics. She is not allowed in my house, and will not be allowed in the future. So yes I had to be the tough one, the one who said, NO MORE. He allowed her mistreatment of me, but I will allow it NO MORE. Stand up for yourself, your DH is not going to.

Moose I'm sorry you're going through this horrible situation. The power yielded by these narcissistic SDs can be seen as an awesome force- I know I have been through this with my OSD and have come out of the other side. I have not seen or spoken to her for six months. DH has not dealt with it very well- he will still not admit that she is at fault (when it is really his fault for not standing up to her), which at least your DH seems to have accepted, even if he just seems to be going along with it to placate you.
What they are clearly trying to do here is to suck you back in- because without you they have no audience except each other. Don't buy into this scam!
The question of how to raise your self-esteem is the only challenge for you- and this is absolutely vital for your mental health and self-confidence.
Let DH see how hard you are- say no, no and then no. Keep calm, don't be intimidated into getting angry.

'So a situation has come up that I would have to be around her. DH says I should and I would just have to say hello and be nice and see the grandkid. I am scared. I don't want to be around her. I don't want her to think that everything is OK and she can start coming around. I don't want her in my life and I don't want to be in hers. I don't want to be around someone who thinks they bullied me yet again and got a way with it.

If I say no they DH thinks I am being the hard one and defends SD. What do I do? How do I handle this and future situations?'

Don't go to this thing-find something much more important to do like seeing an old friend, going to a movie,getting your hair done whatever.

This is how you handle it, time and time over again refuse to engage with this woman-find the things that make you happy and do them, over and over again until you don't even think about her anymore. Do not allow her to control your thoughts- set her adrift on an imaginary boat and wave her good-bye every time she comes into your head.

I have become much harder, but also much happier- and if DH thinks I've become hard then just let him see how much harder I could get if I ever have to do anything again for OSD. Disengagement is your only way out of this, and plenty of people on here will help you through it!

You/we did not create these situations. Most of us wanted one big happy family, at least in the beginning. Quickly, in this dynamic, most of us realize there is nothing we can do to be included when the family goal is exclusion and the ddaddeee is doormat jello. Of course these adults act this way because they were raised this way, and a parent who has never corrected a child will most certainly never correct an adult, right or wrong. Thus, they pay for the consequences, all their lives. WE are just part of it, we may never know all of it.

Protect yourself, he is not on YOUR side, you must be and if that means not being on HIS side----he can blame himself for being a suck up woosie.

Just know, MANY of us are dealing with the same awful and sick situation, you are certainly not alone. My mother told me, and it is true, "your situation is hopeless." When I accepted that, I was better. Just stop trying to ride that dead horse....it is dead. If you stay away from bullies, you take their power away.

I understand your dilemma...if you give in to your husband's desires and play nice, it appears that you are giving in to her.

If you stand your ground, you become a bigger target to her and an annoyance to your DH for not playing along.

Everybody wants you to do something and the only person who does not get to do what they want is you. So you choose...stand strong like a tree and don't let the winds of ill will blow you down. Don't let them see you even flinch. Are you strong enough for that? The other choice is to give in to what they want...if you do that, AND you don't want to do that, then you are living a lie. I would much rather have them all hate me because I acted responsibly for my own needs then to do good by them and they still hate me no matter what but for no reason...

I agree with the others. The only way to combat this is to go full-on disengagement. No form of communication or contact, including "gifts". That card wasn't any type of gift to you, it was just another way for your SD to get a jab in. If your DH tries to hand you a card again, smile and either put it away and never open it, or simply toss it in the trash. Don't ever answer a phone call from her, or a text message, or an email. Your SD doesn't exist in your world.

You can't reason with a narc because in their minds, they're perfect and you're always wrong. Just cut the cord.

And I agree with counseling. You should insist that your DH join you.

Every time my DH goes to visit SD I now go to Hobby Lobby. I love Hobby Lobby. It is my happy place and much more fun then driving 5 hours to be ignored and belittled.

Just stop discussing your SD with your DH. There is no reason that he needs you to go see her. You don't want to go, and she doesn't want you there. IGNORE THE WHORE. Who cares what she "got away with" as long as you do not have to see her or talk to her.

I do not expect my DH to lecture SS, to tell him to act better, or to somehow punish SS for his actions. All I ask of DH is that HE KEEP SS AND HIS GF AWAY FROM ME. Permanently.

There's no apology or actions that SS and the GF can give me that will ever make me want to let them back in my home. They can add nothing positive to my life.

DH of course is free to see his son when he wants. I realize the GF is being a b*tch and saying that she doesn't want to be around DH because he won't make me "behave". Translation - she can no longer visit at my lake home or my vacation condo. Not my problem.

The b*tch should be glad that I refuse to be near her. I can verbally rip someone to shreds without even raising my voice or using curse words.

Here's what I did, Moose, and I bet it would work for you too. You just tell your husband, with as much sweetness and sincerity as you can muster: "This is such a special time for you and grandkid. You'll enjoy it so much more if I'm not there causing all that tension with SD. You just go alone and tell them I said, 'Hi' and have fun!"
Now your first reaction may be that you're not a good enough liar to pull off saying that to your husband with even a sliver of sincerity. But really, it IS true - what encounter isn't improved without tension? But more importantly, this statement works so well because he can't argue with something so reasonable and true, not to mention...selfless of you (tear in my eye!) If he comes back at you insisting you go, you just say it all again, tell him how much sense it makes, maybe throw in, "Doesn't it make sense, hon?" so you get him verbally on board before he entirely realizes what he agreeing to and, if you must...make it clear in all that sweetness that the subject is closed and not negotiable.
I'm telling you, I only had to say this twice to my husband before he realized I was done with the BS visits to be the audience for his kid's stream-of-consciousness monologue. All of a sudden he knew he'd now be an audience of one for those performances.
You will love the freedom from this BS drama with him and his kid. No longer will you pull into your driveway after a visit with his kids and think, "Shit, there's 10.5 hours I'll never get back." Disengagement will make you feel like the kid sitting at home in front of the TV while everyone else suffers calculus class. You will feel younger, thinner, smarter and maybe even a little more loving to your spouse now that YOU are controlling your own destiny in regard to the skids!
I am telling you, true disengagement is the gift to yourself that keeps on giving! Do it today to mark the New Year!

I agree with the others. I have not spoken to oldest SD since spring of 2017. Initially it was really difficult and hurt sometimes to have DH go off and meet with them. But as everyone on here told me it gets easier with time. Christmas was great. I only worried about my children and grandchildren. DH could not believe that I did not go out Christmas shopping for his children and grandchildren and he tried to guilt me into it. I was proud of myself for not doing it. No special, thoughtful gifts for any of them this year. Their father gave them all gift cards. I have a lot less stress and I am saving lots of $ with them out of my life. Now if I could just get them out of my head. I am working on that. LOL

I have read some very good responses here. Personally, I would not feign illness - I would be straight about it and just say you are not going, now or at any time.

I spent too many years of my life, giving in and going along with things that insulted my soul. Making myself very uncomfortable so that other people would not have to feel uncomfortable. I do not intend to ever do that again, I will be true to myself, even though sometimes it may cost me more than I want to pay at the time - eventually the investment will pay off.

So, not only should you put up with your bullying SD, but your husband wants to bully you into being around her? Apple didn't fall far from that tree!

That absolutely would not work for me. And I wouldn't pretend to be sick, nor would I pretend that I'm bowing out for the greater good. I am at the point where I feel that I don't have to be around people that I don't care to be around, who don't add anything (except grief) to my life. And I don't have to make excuses for it.

Stand your ground and stand up for yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you, apparently, not even your husband.

There's this thing called going "grey rock" on a narcissist. I'd look it up.

How happy are you being in a marriage where you are EXPECTED by your DH to accept bullying behavior by his child so he can have his own selfish needs met?

To me that is no marriage. His child is an adult. You and she do not need to have a relationship.

I would tell him you are withdrawing; you are no one's scapegoat; if he doesn't like it he can lump it.

I would recommend counseling for both of you again. If he refuses to go, then you should go alone to see if you want to stay in a marriage like this.

In the meantime, tell your DH you don't accept bullying behavior from anyone, and that includes his Special Princess. If it's important to see his grandkid, he's going to have to figure it out, especially since he didn't seem to put a lot of effort into parenting her.

Twisted dynamic going on between Husband and his adult kids.

It is very unhealthy.

My best guess is this went on with DH and his parents OR Grandparents. Usually is type of behavior is generational.

To answer your questions "How do you handle Narcissistic Bullying Adult Stepchildren", my answer is I don't. I don't allow this junk in my life, nor does my dh. We don't. We just don't.

Here is one: Paraphrasing Dr. Phil. 'You can call me a son of a bitch all you want but your gonna do it from a distance".

Are you asking us under the radar IF wives are expected to deal with this stuff? Are you asking IF our husbands expect us to suck this junk UP? Are you asking if any of us have husbands like yours?

Are you asking if it is ok to get a divorce and live the rest of your years in peace and harmony?

From Psychology today(pretty much advocates disengaging):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201711/the-catch...

So here again is the catch-22: It’s “damned if you do; damned if you don’t.” Assertively defending yourself or standing up to them in the face of their verbal aggression is a losing battle. But so is allowing them to walk all over you. For here, failing to honor your very person hood, you risk losing yourself. And that’s why therapists agree that getting out of such a relationship is your best choice.

Good thread with lots of good advice.

You seem to be in a step dynamic where there's a lot of cognitive dissonance. That's a fancy way of saying you're feeling conflicted because what you're experiencing and observing is completely different from the version of reality spun by your H.

You are NOT crazy. You are NOT mistaken. Your husband's daughter does indeed dislike you. And your H is desperate to keep you from upsetting the applecart.

It's like that catchphrase from Game of Thrones - You know things.

It sounds as if you've already begun to disengage from your SD since you don't accompany your H on visits. I would continue to remove myself from all things SD related. No announcements, accusations, or arguments, just a breezy certitude that you know what's best for you. Sure, your H will try to manipulate you. He'll likely run through several phases before accepting that you have permanently taken yourself out of the equation. Continue to care for youself, and let him continue his sick dance with his daughter.

i married dh while the skids were all quite young. bm had custody of them and dh only had sporadic visitation. as they grew into their teens and into adults they emerged as the narcissistic adults they are now.

i eventually disengaged. i did not know it was called that. i read "stepmonster" and that validated a lot of what i already knew.

couples therapy is not effective in remarriage situations as most counselors dont know a thing about step life.

sd too promiscious? its not my problem. she got canned from her job for sleeping with the boss? yawn. ss and sd on drugs? not my problem either.

disengage and youll feel much better. narcissist people can suck the life out of you. they know exactly what they are doing.

this is a great article on step mothers in a nutshell:

http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2009/11/stepmonster-8-rea...

Moose, Looks like you received a ton of good advice.

After reading through the posts, I learned something also. If part of being a narcissist is to try and make others think that you are a perfectly decent person and have treated your SM nicely, then this describes my OSD and SS's. They have always tried to brainwash anyone who will listen that I am the evil SM and they are perfect, and that it is all my fault that DH does not want to be the gskids babysitter and attend any events where they can display their toxic behavior toward us.

If what I have done helps you out any, is to try and not put myself in a position where the adult skids can play their mean games. That means I don't invite them to our home and I avoid events where they may be at. No more stress and it is a great feeling.

Not sure if your Dh took it upon himself to tell your SD you liked the card, without consulting with you first. I would not like it if my DH did that to me. That is terrible what she did on Xmas. Just keep ignoring her and your life will get better. It has worked for me.

NO ADULT SKIDS PRESENT = NO STRESS

I don't tolerate inappropriate behaviors from anyone including Skids regardless of their age.

Bullying.... Ha! Bring it on! }:) I destroy that crap with every resource at my disposal in an as humiliating and public way as possible.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

DISENGAGE that's all I can say, it's working for me at the moment and I feel so much more relaxed and couldn't give a stuff what the childish adult SD's are doing or how SO is handling it because he has to clean up their mess behind them if he isn't going to make them do it he has to, he will soon tire of that (I hope) (I just want them to grow up and move out)

I don't even entertain my partner's two children in the UK. They hate me and I hate them. The daughter is apparently working longer hours. She does not want me at their events but wants to dump her
mannerless BRAT in my home TILL 8.30 TILL 9PM MON TO THURS. .....

I don't even entertain my partner's two children in the UK. They hate me and I hate them. The daughter is apparently working longer hours. She does not want me at her events but wants to dump her
mannerless BRAT in my home TILL 8.30-9PM MON TO THURS. .....she is going to have a big problem if my partner is out and I am in the office...she is NOT getting a key to my home EVER.......

If you had toothache could you go to a gym
in the evening?

I think she is lying to her father. I am binding my time.....