Thanks, everyone, I can't say how good it felt to get it all out, and then ten--a hundred--times better to hear your support! I'm fine as long as I'm distracted, I read one book and then finished another last night. As soon as I laid down to go to sleep, though, the quiet crept up on me and I got angrier and angrier. Mostly, at that moment, about the fact that the conversation lasted sooo long. There is no reason for her to go on and on like she does. Expressing and discussing concern is fine, but COME ON. DH won't control her right now b/c of the custody/parenting plan power play. And I can't be mad *at* him, b/c he's doing what is necessary to make things work and he's being fully inclusive with me while doing it.

So I didn't say anything to him, although I am ashamed to say I cried to myself until I fell asleep. Fearless is exactly right, it's about loss of control over my own life, and it freaks me out. You are all exactly right about this being for a long term good thing, it's the right way to think about it. I just get so tired of being the one to square my shoulders and do the right thing. I'm 36 and I've spent my whole life doing that, and I really did hope that when I got married someone would arrange things so that it would be peaceful for me, and not the other way around. I have always had to play the grown-up to everyone around me, even the grown-ups, ever since I was about 7 years old. Frankly, I am just tired.

Now I will go distract myself with work all day, probably for a couple of days, until the feeling of unhappiness fades into the mild, removed distaste that I have learned to live with. That sounds pessimistic and sad. I will try again: I will try to be happy that it isn't worse, that I am not the only one, that my DH loves me and supports me, that my skids love me, that we are healthy, and that it's daylight savings time and pretty soon I can jump in my kayak after work if I want to.

Fearless is right. I don't have a problem with her being concerned about their safety. The problem is that she keeps my DH on the phone for an hour talking about it, when she is not really talking about the kids or their safety, she is talking about her own feelings of insecurity. She is asking my DH to engage in emotional hand holding and validate her. I think that is wrong, just plain wrong.

The truth is that BM is imposing her own fears on my SD, who is a rough and tumble roxygirl when she can get out from under her mom's overprotectiveness. She is much more like her dad than her mom. That, really, is none of my business and so I express it only, on occasion, to DH (and you folks).

What is my business is that I don't like that BM gets to insist that so-called co-parenting "communication" be on her terms, where she takes up my DH's time and energy--and violates my boundaries--rolling around in her own fears and her own need for validation for hours at a time. It is emotional blackmail, and emotional hi-jacking. Bouncing off my DH in that way is a stick in the bundle that belongs to me, not to an ex wife. I am lucky that my DH recognizes and appreciates that, and agrees with me that she is over the top and out of line. It is just that there is nothing we can do about it because she has the power.

I want to clarify that this issue isn't about whether *I* want the kids to be involved in this activity. It's DH's choice, his values. He is their daddy and his values are important in their upbringing. DH also supports their involvement in acting class, music, "mad science" programs. He also supports free play and play dates with other kids. The thing is, BM doesn't want to do anything that requires her to tell her children that they have to do something they don't want to do. She is anti-involvement in anything that requires energy. Every year we have a battle over the kids playing soccer, which they love. She complains all the time that my SD's first grade program is too difficult and requires too much homework, and she is tired of being the "homework enforcer." BM says that she just wants the kids to "self-actualize". At 7 and 9. DH says well, I agree their preferences matter, and I want to encourage them in things they are interested in, but I am not going to allow them to "self-actualize" themselves into being lumps on a couch. (DH's words, not mine) It just happens that I agree with him. We have the same child-rearing principles. We try to balance activities with free play time, and to not put too many expectations on the kids. We try to keep it fun. But b/c of BM's hesitation to commit to anything, they spent all last summer playing checkers in a daycare program that they hated. HATED. Complained about being bored all summer. It made DH cry.

The truth is, SD *loves* this stuff. She *loves* swimming and boating. When she is at our house she sings little happy songs about going to swim lessons, and we high-five about her accomplishments and she is so proud of herself. Then she goes off for a week and comes back negative, shy, scared, and reluctant, because she is punting off of her mom's negative energy.

Again, most of this stuff--SD copying her mom, e.g--is out of my realm of control and probably should be. While that's still hard for someone in my position, I can deal with that--that is the challenge I took on when I became a SM. I am not their mom. But what does matter to me, and I think legitimately, is that if BM isn't kept within boundaries, she will keep my DH on the phone for an hour a day every day going on about this that and the other thing, disguising her own feelings and needs as "kid issues." A month ago, she kept DH on the phone for 30 minutes going on and on about how SD was upset by her teacher's corrections on her homework papers, and what were we all going to do about it; she would have gone on longer if he hadn't cut her off. I am sorry, but that is just the height of ridiculousness to me. And if BM needs to blather on to someone about her own feelings of insecurity and need for validation, it should be her husband, not mine. If she wants to talk about her legitimate concerns for the kids and learn about the specifics of the program, that is a different conversation entirely. And one I would support 100%.

I think the boating program is going to end up happening for at least a couple of weeks out of the summer, mostly b/c BM's husband is a sailor from way back, and supports this too. That leaves me needing to get over my resentment at BM. Which I will do, as I always do, for the sake of the kids. I won't get involved, and I won't say a word to her. My DH hugged me this morning and told me how great I am. And he is so happy that the kids have a shot at doing this. And that makes me happy.

I will also add that I am PARANOID about the kids' safety, and BM is well aware of this. The kids call me "worry wart". Sometimes DH and I even clash over it. I tell him I am mothering them, after all, even though I am not their mother, and I feel protective. Plus I've lost people through accidents before, so I have probably over the top anxiety attacks. The issue is not BM's fear for their safety. I don't even think that's what's driving her resistance. It's more complex. It's her fear that SD will feel put "on the spot" by being around the other kids and asked to "perform," and shy away. BM has always been allowed to avoid these "scary" things her whole life (I have to spend a lot of time with her parents, so I see this. Her mother never even learned to drive in the City because it was too scary. This is just a whole different world for me.). BM was allowed to quit anything that she grew tired of or was afraid of. She allows her kids to do the same. BM is also afraid that she will have to expend energy bolstering SD's confidence, and "she's just so tired after all the homework struggles." (DH DID NOT remind her that we are more than happy to take on more of that day to day work, but she is resisting. It's true, but it wouldn't have gone over productively.)

She uses the example "it's like putting SD on top of a mountain and making her ski down when she doesn't want to." No. In fact, let me explain what happens in real life. DH is a skier--was on the ski team as a child. He taught his kids to ski early. They were excited about learning to ski. We put them in private lessons, and spent many, many trips taking them down short runs and teaching them control, and turns, and safety. They were taught how to stretch their boundaries in baby steps, until they became capable, confident, and pleased with their accomplishments. They are looked up to by other kids 'cause they can ski. We didn't put SD at the top of the mountain and make her ski down, with her crying the whole way. We gave her the opportunity, the skills, the experience, the support to allow her to learn to ski down, so that she can choose to ski down the damned mountain if she wants to (or has to). And she loves it and now outskis me. From my perspective, if she chooses never to ski again, at least she knows she can.

It's the same thing with boating. BM's approach is, since SD will feel nervous, let's just avoid the whole thing to begin with. But because DH is insisting, the approach is, let's all fret about the emotional side of it for HOURS on end, avoiding any truly productive information like how does the program work, what are the guidelines, who's teaching it, what will they be asked to do? That I can deal with. The emotional handwringing to my DH is what bugs me. And the fact that I cannot do anything about it without creating adverse side effects for my skids.

Yes, I know it's ironic b/c I am emotionally obsessing about her tendency toward emotional obsession. I am fully aware of the ridiculousness of that. LOL. Spilling this all out in long essays help me get the frustration out, though. So I can hopefully greet DH at home tonight with a lighter heart. Thanks for listening.

Little Jo, I am so thankful for your support and appreciate any and all comments you have. I know I don't say that directly enough. The safety point is an important one to me and I really do respect BM's right to discuss and care about that issue. I really, really do.

I tend to respond point by point to comments because, well, it's prob. my lawyer training and I know it comes across as too aggressive and antagonistic at times. I get so tired of holding it all in and playing nice softy with BM, that it just spills out here. Thanks for bearing with me and continuing to give me insights!!!!

You are the greatest. You all are. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I firmly believe in the wrongness of the emotional dependency between an ex wife and a man who is now married to someone else. It is wrong, wrong, wrong. Your drama is worse than mine, but I am afraid that it won't be long before we get to big time stuff. My SS is nearing his teens and blam! watchout. I can just imagine how long the slobbering phone calls will go on then (oh, right, no projecting, no projecting). I'm right there with you, Bonus Wife.
I don't think BM is evil at all. She's a ninny (gasp. I am so mean.) who wants everyone around her to comfort her and make her feel loved. Fine. She can get down with her bad self. But not with my husband. Good co-parenting does not require emotional hand-holding, and in fact I think the demands she makes are *counterproductive* to good co-parenting, at least in THIS reality where her DH is remarried--if DH was single, well then bully she'd just have TWO guys to play husband with, I guess, and co-parenting on her terms would go smashingly. But I am here, and our marriage matters.